This blog was created for Mrs. Gilson's Creative Writing courses. Students are encouraged to write compliments and suggestions when evaluating students' writing pieces. Please respect everyone's privacy and provide positive remarks.
"A Silent Treatment" is pretty bad in the grammar department. The grammar mistakes make it hard for me to understand the story. It seems like it is a rough draft. The sentences don't flow very well. A few sentences could be brought together to make it flow better. Overall need A LOT of work in grammar.
"Last Wiches" is a touching story. The sentences flow very well with the story. I felt like that will be me in real life. I think the grammar was good overall.
"One Shot, Last Chance" I really enjoyed this story. The detail was there we needed and I could picture what was happening. A few little, grammar mistakes. It was a really good ending to the story to.
4th hour The Special Firefighter I really liked the idea of the story. It was cute. There were some grammatic errors, but those can be improved with practice. I loved the ending and I'm very happy that he felt whole again.
Out in the cold was a good story of survival. Well written and flowed smoothly, it was easy to follow and understand. It could’ve used more suspense; it wasn’t very exciting when he got lost. And the character was pretty well described. Overall, it was a good story, I liked the theme.
“A Silent Treatment” - In this story the grammar needs to be looked at again. There were many tiny mistakes that could be fixed easily. The outline of the story was also hard to follow, wasn’t sure where you were going with the story. You could add more detail into the story and I think it would make more sense to people that are reading it. Also I think that you could join some sentences together; many of the sentences were to short and would sound better if joined.
Group 2 "The Voice Inside" is really confusing, on page 4 first Amiee was calling Audrey but it said she was talking to Carla so i don't know who she was really talking to. so if you could put the right name of who she's talking to when she needs a place to stay it would be a lot less confusing in that part. How does Amiee go from the bar to seeing her shrink? maybe put it like The next day Amiee went and saw Dr. Juniper to find out what was wrong with her. you had a couple of grammar mistakes but nothing to bad. The story was really good and I love how it ends. Kind of leaving you to figure out if she gets better or not. You displayed schizophrenia very well in knowing the symptoms and that there is medication for it.
"The Special Firefighter" I thought the story was good, but there were afew grammer mistakes that could be fixed. I was a little thrown off, because it went from the time he was 17 to when he was an adult and he had a full time job. Other than that i thought overall the story was good.
“Now What” I thought was a good story about teenage pregnancy. It tells about how young love is and how one little gesture could cause lead to pregnancy. I did like how the writer had her boyfriend stay with her through this time. I was kind of surprised how the writer had the parents react to their daughter pregnancy. I kind of thought that they would be mad but that was a good way to show how families can be in hard times. I think that the writer did an excellent job with the descriptions and wrote a good story.
"Broken" i enjoyed reading this story a lot. It was very fluent and easy to follow. The discription was good and i could picture the setting. There could have been more suspense leading up to the climax.A couple of grammar mistakes but a good story overall.
"Blank Eyes" Very good story, I could tell that you were really into the story. However, I got very confused when you started talking about the characters. I felt like many of them were all the same. You were very good with the storyline however.
Group 3 “Last Wishes” is a good story over all. I liked how it didn’t give everything away in the beginning and it made you wonder what was going to happen. There was also very good description words used to describe the setting. I liked how you could tell what the characters were like and you could picture them. The ending was really sudden and I thought it could’ve described the Paris trip a little more and how Gracie just died one morning. There were a couple typos but nothing too bad.
“Broken” – I really liked the theme of this story. The detail in the story was really good. I could picture everything in my head. There were a couple grammar errors but nothing serious. End of the story I thought was really good to.
"One by One" I thought was a very well written story. I loved the ending, I never saw it coming. I think that instead of saying Genna, you could use her or she. There were a few sentances that I thought were confussing. I think that the story had a great plot and I really like how you built up to the resolution.
"The Dream" Jumped around in subject quite a bit and made it confuseing. Some things dont make sence when you are talking about his plans for the house to trap the guy who shot him. Charaters jump around a lot and its hard to keep them all striaght. A very good story if there were some minor changes and if it would flow a little better.
"Broken" I really like how the person in the story becomes a better person becaused of what happened. I could picture the story in my mind. It flows together great. Maybe could have explained what the character did between the break-up and October.
4th hour Life to Death I really liked the ending. There were some errors with grammar. I really thought that this was a good story idea. I think that the beginning could have started out better. It just sort of jumped right in. There was no introduction and I was a little confused at first but then I understood.
4th hour Life to Death I really liked the ending. There were some errors with grammar. I really thought that this was a good story idea. I think that the beginning could have started out better. It just sort of jumped right in. There was no introduction and I was a little confused at first but then I understood.
"Hitman" is a story that has a good plot. The plot had some good ideas. It is tough to read at some points. The ending was real good. Overall the story was allright but could have been revided better.
Group 2: “Starving to be Thin” I thought it had a nice story line, but was rather confusing and hard to follow. There were quite a few grammatical errors throughout the entire story, so I would suggest better proofreading. There was too much going on in the introduction. I think it would be better to just introduce Kristen and gradually through the story add in her boyfriend and her social life and her struggles to attempt to be the perfect girlfriend. I was also kind of confused as to why she stopped her bulimia for a while so I would add in more about that. The story consisted of great descriptions; I could picture the characters easily. The idea of her fainting during practice was a great way to express how bulimia was destroying her health as well. Over all this story was pretty good, just a few touchups would make it better.
“Now What” The story was good, I think the theme of sexual pressure was a good choice because it’s something a lot of people our age can relate to. I was a little confused at the very beginning the immediate conversation after the introduction didn’t seem to fit. I would say that the story would be better if you took some things out in the beginning and added some things about their life after the baby was born. I liked the idea of putting the Next day, Three months later, etc sections into the story, it made it a little easier to follow. I think the story was a little bit too predictable but good overall.
“The Great Leonidas”. I thought that the description of the scenery and the events in the story, like the snow and the fight with the bear were really good and it made me be able to picture in my mind what you were talking about. It would be even better if there would be different sentence beginnings, because it seems as though every sentence begins with Leonidas. I liked how you tied up all of the loose ends in the story, and I enjoyed the humor at the end. I think that this story is great and would be even better if the author would go through and fix the grammatical errors in this piece, because at some points the reader may become confused.
“Blank Eyes” I loved how the main character Sharleah seemed so innocent and the victim in the beginning, but then took a sharp turn to a horrible wife who was addicted to caffeine pills and who cheated on her husband with multiple men. There were very few grammatical errors in this piece, which made it easy to read and flow very nicely. The story started out great, but then it kind of abruptly ended. I think that the author should add more details about Sharleah’s life with her husband and what led to her divorce. Also make sure that you stick to one story, because when you added her husband’s problems and addictions it seemed like you were going off on a tangent, but overall I really enjoyed the piece.
"Too Much To Handle" The punctuation and grammar were bad at some parts in this story. However, I liked the mixture of romance and sports that you had. You had a very good storyline and a good buildup at the end when Kyle was the one that knocked Nick off of his sled.
"The Dream" I liked the idea and theme of the story. One part was kind of confusing with saying who said what, Steve said something then I think Jason was supposed to say something. I think it was just a typo. It kind of jumped from one thing to another but it was still pretty good.
"Starving to Be Thin" was an amazingly written story. I loved the theme. I like the twist of having her recover and then end up dying. It just shows how fragile the human body is.
"Becoming a Sniper" This was a very well thought over written story. The grammar was a little off at some parts and was very predictable at the end. The theme of this story relates very well to now-a-days.
Group4 "a breif loos of dignity" it has a few errors. overall it is a great story. I got confussed on the setting. Out of the story that i have read, I think this one is the best.
"The Great Leonidas" The good scenery descriptions and the detail of the crash really made me feel like I was at the scene. Grammatical errors within the story and at times I got confused by somethings you said. The ending was excellent!
"Life to Death" the introduction is kind of confusing might want to check your grammer. Also try not to end an introdution with "the story I have to tell or the story I'm going to tell." Try some sentence length variety instead of trying to make them all long. Its okay to have choppy sentences sometimes. It's a good story line. Abuse is common and I'm glad you shed light on it.
Group 5 "Out In the Cold" I liked the idea of the story. There were very few grammer mistakes. Although I found myself not interested in the middle. Maybe you could add some sort of unexpexted event in the middle. Otherwise I like it.
group 2 " a silent treatment" first off when you're describing the setting don't say the setting takes place... the setting could be described a little better instead of keeping putting she lives by this and she lives by that try to find a new way to put it instead of repeating the same thing over and over. the grammar could be improved. I’m really confused reading this story and I’m only on the first page. the story doesn't seem to flow very well together. its got a good plot but hard to follow. It’s hard to follow who's talking when because the people talking isn't in a new paragraph. Sorry to whomever wrote this but I have no idea what is even going on anymore. Maybe if you separate the paragraphs where people are talking and explain more about what people were saying about the girl’s boyfriend that made him go on a killing spree. Also it would be nice to know what she did in between the time she left the house and when her boyfriend got out of jail. like i said before its a good plot and theme but it jumps around a little too much
Group 4 I thought “Blank Eyes” was overall pretty good, but I think it was really jumpy. It went really good until the story started drifting off into what happened with her husband and her remarriage. It should have stayed from Sharleah’s point of view. Very good grammar and word choice, though. I liked it.
Group 4 “Becoming a Sniper” was a very good story. There were some convention errors and sometimes there could have been better word choice. I really liked the way you kept to the story line and you made a great character picture in my mind. You also had a good storyline. Possibly could have had a greater lead into the climax. Very good though!
Group 4 “A Date with Mary Kate” I thought this story was pretty good. Some words or phrases were repeated a few too many times. There were a couple of spelling errors, but that’s human. I also thought the character seemed a little too over-created, in being that she was way to dramatic and it seemed almost impossible to have a real person like that. Good word choice and descriptions of places. Overall, good story.
Group 4 “The Great Leonidas” Watch out for the past-present relationships. I noticed you switched back in forth a lot so it made it a little confusing. Also, cut up the paragraphs more. You shouldn’t have made the first three pages into pretty much one paragraph. You had very good descriptions and not too many grammar errors. Good story!
Very good story. I can really relate the Niki with my own experiences. A few sentences didn’t flow very well but otherwise very good. I could really picture myself in the setting but your rising action was a little bit weak and could have used a little more power and suspense but other than the few things it was a very good story.
Group 2 – “The Dream” – Was a little confusing to follow the story line. Was not sure where the story was going and the characters were hard to follow. There were some grammar errors but can be fixed easily. Thought that the ending just came on, should include more detail. Overall liked the idea of the story and the details were well explained.
One by one was a good story with a great ending. I liked the end when the boyfriend killed all of her friends. I laughed and went “OWNED!!!” But anyways, I found one or two grammar errors but other than that it was a good story.
Group 5 One by One I liked the story except that it was very predictable. There weren’t many errors which is good. In the beginning it just jumped in. I thought that there should have been more explaining. Some of the tense of the verbs didn’t match, so that is something you can work on as well. Otherwise the story was good.
Group 5 "The Great Leonidas" was a fairly entertaining story. It was action packed and also emotional. There were some grammatical errors along the way but that happens. One paragraph was 3 pages long, but I guess that also happens sometimes. There could have been more dialogue in the middle of the story to develop the main character more. Nice job!
Jumped around in subject quite a bit and made it confusing. Some things don’t make sense when you are talking about his plans for the house to trap the guy who shot him. Characters jump around a lot and its hard to keep them all straight. A very good story if there were some minor changes and if it would flow a little better.
“Now What”, I thought the story was a good real life scenario. It really taught the reader a lesson on how one night can change everything. I was surprised that neither Chad nor her family was upset about the situation. It was kind of hard to believe in that aspect. All in all I thought the story was well written and kept the reader interested in what would happen next. Nice Job!
Very good story. I could really put myself in the picture and see what was happening. There were a few little mistakes in your grammar but otherwise the flow of the story was pretty good. Good story!
Group 3 “Revenge Isn’t So Sweet” I thought the story was good. I could picture everything that was happening and I liked the characters. It kind of jumped around in the beginning and it could have been a little smoother but it was still understandable. A couple of grammar mistakes but nothing major. I thought there was good dialogue and the interaction between the characters was interesting. I also liked how the ending told what happened a week later.
Group 2 "The Silent Treatment" First off I have to agree with pandabear and shoppingstar on the grammar. I don’t know if it was just overlooked or not looked over at all but it needed some work. While I was reading this story the plot didn't make much sense to me. Also the sentences didn't tie the story together. I believe if this story would have been looked over better and if the grammar would have been improved it would be a great story. I liked the plot and the mystery of the story.
Group 1 "Out In the Cold" I was kind of confused in the beginning because you say he's living in Alaska and then in California. I like that you had a different story line, dog sledding. The creativity was there. Also a little confusing because if he called Dan before, why couldn't he call him for help? Maybe add a little more detail there. The ending was great.
"A Silent Treatment" Well I agree with pandabear that the grammar was very poor. It did indeed make reading the story much more difficult than it needed to be. That's not all though. The story itself was very confusing. There was no rising action leading to the climax of the story when the deaths happened. They just seemed to happen and the main character showed close to no emotion about the deaths of her friends. I didn't get into the story at all and couldn't tell what was going on most of the time. I did like the idea of the story though so I would suggest starting from scratch but using the same plot.
Group 5 "Lessons Learned" I really liked the story, but I thought that instead of using Cally so much, try saying she or her. I also really enjoyed the flash backs. I could easily tell when they statrted and ended. One thing that I did not like was how you went from talking about her dad to her aunt to the characters own problems. I can understand that throughout her high school years, she had some really rough times, but pick one subject that really affected her. I don't she anyother point in her aunts story or fathers story. They are seperate story's. I think you should have stuck with Marcus and Cally's story.
Group 2 – “One Shot, Last Chance” – I really liked the theme of this story and the detail throughout the story was amazing. I could picture everything that was happening. I liked how it was in present day and then went back 9 months and then went back to present day. The first paragraph I wasn’t really sure what was going on but as I read more into it, I understood everything. In the first paragraph just add more detail to it. Few grammar errors but can be fixed.
"The Voice Inside" this sotry was confusing at points like the phone call amiee makes there were two different people she was talking to. Also she went from being in the bar to being at her psychiatrist, maybe break it up into two paragraphs and different days, and it could be less confusing. i really liked the ending it left thought on how she gets better or not.
Group 2 "The Dream" very good story it keeps you in suspense wondering weather or not steve is going to finsih what he started. one minor mistake i noticed was on page 4 when it had Jason and Steve talking but you put Steve's name where Jason's should be. well the ending was kind of drab compaired to the rest of the story. you could maybe explain a little more what they did when they got home or what Jason felt like to finally be able to relax and forget about the shooting instead of obsessing over it. great story but the ending could use a little work.
Group 4 "Revenge isn't so sweet" is a good story. there is a few errors. Revenge isn't so sweet. This story reflects that revenge can be hurtfull but tell the truth is better.
Group 4 Becoming a Sniper The concept of the story is good but it needs more detail. The major thing that kept standing out to me was the inconsistencies in tenses and point of views. It was very confusing to try and switch back and forth between past and presents tenses and the 1st and 3rd person. Changing the story to all one tense and making the point of view consistent will make the story more legible and more enjoyable. I did enjoy the fact that you went through the stages of his life and what influenced his decision to become a sniper.
Group 3 “A Brief Loss of Dignity” I thought the overall idea of the story was good. Sometimes it felt like it was dragging on though. I liked how you described the characters because it was really easy to picture them. It was interesting because the characters contrasted each other so much. The setting was also described really well. There were a few grammar mistakes but not bad.
Group 4 The Great Leonidas I enjoyed the story but was a little confused when you switched between past and present tenses. I did think that the story’s plot was good but I don’t think it is realistic in the way that Leonidas got by very easily and he wasn’t afraid dieing in the wilderness. I think even a calm collected person would be a little afraid of dying. I also thought that Leonidas would feel more grief when Henry died because he was a friend of the family. I think you should also go into more detail about Leonidas’ family situation and his relationship with his father.
Group 1 “Deadeye” I thought that this was a pretty good story. To start off with I liked all of the action in this story and the gore. The descriptions in this story were also excellent. I thought that you described the scene at the camp well and also how he lined up the shot to kill the one enemy. One suggestion would be to add a little more about his training. Another one would be to write a little more about his scout, Jon. All in all thought this was a very good story and I like it.
Group 3 "Presumed Guilty until Proven Innocent" was a good story. I like the plot. I also like how the end was summed up. I thought the story good have veen a little more clear though. The sory also could use a little more suspense.
This was a very well written story. The grammar was a little off at. And was very predictable at the end. The theme of this story relates to the story really good
Group 2 "The Dream" I enjoyed reading this story. I think the dialouge was well written and there were good word choices in the sentences. I felt that the story was jumping around too much. I had a hard time following the setting. Overall a good story!
Group 5 Remembering to Love Alzheimer’s disease is very unlikely at 25 years old. After reading just that sentence, the story is very unbelievable at first. I did like the story line and the dialogue was written very well. I thought the names were a little plain, there could have been a little more creative.
“A Date with Mary Kate” I thought this story was pretty good. Some words were repeated a few too many times. There were a couple of spelling errors.Good word choice.
Group 3 “Hitman” There were quite a few grammar mistakes in this story but it was ok. Some of it was hard to follow because in a couple spots it switched from first person to third person. There were a lot of mistakes with quotes and when people were talking. The setting was described very well and it felt like I was there. The concept of the story was pretty good but the ending was a little confusing.
Group 5 "Too Much to Handle" was descent. Some sentences were run-ons or just not worded correctly. The dialogue was written quite poorly. For example-“did you hear Kaylee hooked you with Kyle this weakened I guess they have been talking and hanging out secretly like the last 2 weeks.” Is that a joke? Also, you described what the girl's hair looked like about a dozen times. Unless this was some form of symbolism, I don't see the point. I was confused as to what was going on at times. I liked the name Debbie. The chain of events was okay, but more could have happened. The story wasn't even 3 pages long. Better luck next time.
Group 4 Blank Eyes I enjoyed the story because of the many different conflicts that Sharleah has to go through but I also think that having that many conflicts can get confusing if you don’t transition better. I also think you should go into more detail about here caffeine “addiction” and add more insight to why she feels the need to be with other men. This will shed more light on her feelings and her situation. I also feel that her second husband and the divorce between Sharleah and her second husband were tacked on to the story.
Group 2“The Accident” There was a lot going on in this story, making it kind of hard to follow. Some things in the story just didn’t seem to make sense to me like the line on page two, “I haven’t seen very many people but the ones that came to see me in the hospital.” She was in a coma so I don’t think she would be able to see anyone… Nice job on describing Riley’s feelings and the events she was going through, it was easy to picture things, especially the part where Ben first takes her to the cabin. However, this part was also confusing to me because I didn’t understand how she fell in love with him so fast and how their relationship started right away. I think the ending needs a lot of work; it was nice to try to create in open ending so the reader can interpret what they think will happen, but it was a little too open. You should have at least explained Ben’s reaction. The ideas in the story were great but I would focus more on one specific story, like her and Ben meeting and building their relationship, her pregnancy, and how it changed things. If this was the focus you wanted you shouldn’t have so much about the accident.
“Deadeye” This was a really great story. The descriptions were excellent and it had just the right amount of action. You described the setting and the characters very well, it was easy to get an idea of who they were and where they were. I would just suggest adding in why they are in Venezuela. I didn’t really understand why they were after these people. I really really liked how you didn’t say who the narrator was until the very last sentence, that was interesting.
Group 4 “A Date with Mary Kate” The beginning of the story was great! I loved how you developed Mary Kate, the reader can really picture her and her actions in real life. Some of the word placement in the story should be revised, for example: It was hot out and if she ran she would go running. I’m not really sure what you what you were getting at here, if you miss typed the sentence or something like that. The quotations were great and I especially like the tags you used, it made your quotes believable to what the character might say. What happened to the rest of the story I was disappointed when it ended so abruptly on page four. To make it better I think that you should add the date that she was going on, and then progress to her parents taking her to rehab.
Group 4 “Too Much to Handle” I liked how this story ended, but I was a little confused towards the end when you said: The next few weeks went past with the same story me racing when I could and Kaylee spending a lot of her time with Nick; wasn’t Kaylee and Kyle dating? Over all the story was interesting and I liked it because I thought that it was all going to be about racing and guy stuff, but it was actually about a boy having a crush on this girl. The story plot is good, but you need a lot more revising, because there are quite a few grammatical errors.
"Out in the Cold" I didnt think this story was very exciting when he got lost. But it is a good about survival and what you need to do. The story was also easy to follow and was written fairly well.
Group 4 “Becoming a Sniper” The author did a pretty good job editing this piece because there were a few errors, and it was the best in the grammar department I have seen so far. There were a few repetitious phrases that were used, like when you talk about that he could have done other things but go into the army, but he wanted to do it because he thought it was the best thing for him right now was mentioned too many times throughout the piece. The story line was good, but I would have liked to know more about Iraq, and some of his first missions, and you should describe more what it was like in there.
Group 4 “Broken” The ending was great, and I loved how you tied up all of the loose ends and kind of ended with parts in the beginning hoping that they could be in love again. The sentences had a nice flow to them when read, and there was maybe one grammatical error. I was kind of confused in the middle when it seemed like she wanted to break up with him and that she really didn’t love him anymore, but then she was so broken up by him cheating. Overall the story was very good and I really enjoyed reading it.
The story is very hard to follow. The grammar mistakes make the sentences hard to follow and make them not flow together very well. I understand the point of the story to a point but it kind of jumps around a lot leaving the reader very confused as to what is really going on. Some of the sentences could have been combined to help it flow smoother and to help the reader to be able to understand it better.
Group 5 "A Date with Mary Kate" Okay, first of all, I just want to say that anyone who thinks the main character in this story isn't believable is probably the most boring person alive and needs to get a future. I totally could imagine this person in my mind and she probably would be hilarious. The dialogue was outstanding. This is my fave in the group I am reading. It might have ended a little too soon, but it was cliffhangerish and I kind of liked it actually.
“Lessons Learned” This story actually contains like 4 stories and I didn’t like it. This is supposed to be a short story not 4 stories in one. They were all good ideas but maybe if you would have stuck with one idea the story would have been good. There were a couple grammar errors. The red lines under the words usually mean they are spelled wrong, with the exception of some proper nouns.
Group 1 “Starving to be Thin” I thought was a good life story and a good lesson to be learned. People with eating disorders should read this story. I like the way that you described her problems and how she handled them. I think you did a good job at showing how bulimia could affect a person. One of my suggestions would be to maybe organize it a little better because I get a little confused at one point. One more would maybe to go into a little more detail about her childhood if that would have cause he bulimia. But this was a very good story.
Group 4 Too Much To Handle I felt that the story was good but the plot seem forced. The sentences didn’t flow well and your grammar needs work. The concept was good but what was the point of it. I think you may have tried the “be your self and don’t try to change” theme but it seems tacked on. I also want to point out that I think you misplace Kyle’s name with Nick’s in this sentence: “The next few weeks went past with the same story me racing when I could and Kaylee spending a lot of her time with Nick.”
Group 2 "My Hero Hilbert" This story was excellent. I was in suspense the whole time. It had good action and plot. I felt that it could have been looked over alittle better sicne there were a few errors in grammar and typing. There was also alot of good dialogue in the story. Overall an excellent story!!
Group 2: “Presumed Guilty Until Proven Innocent” This is a really great story! Great job and describing the characters’ personalities and characteristics. The idea of the story was creative and interesting, I really like it. I think the title fit the story greatly. The ending was my favorite part; I really liked the idea of the letter they found. When I started reading the story I was expecting Terry to be the criminal from the start so it was a nice surprise finding out he wasn’t. I would just suggest adding more tags in parts; it got a little bit confusing because I didn’t know who was talking when. I also was a little confused because I didn’t understand why Terry wanted to leave the town so bad.
Group 2 “Broken” the story is good. I love how it explains how a perfect relationship can turn sour so fast. The only thing I can think of changing is maybe the whole story that he tells when she finds out he’s cheating. I mean I don’t know what you’re terms of cheating are but I don’t really consider just kissing cheating. So if maybe you could expand a little more on that. That’s about all I can think of. It’s a really good story
group 3 "Suddenly i see" was a pretty good story. I liked the plot and the way the story progressed. I thought the story could have been a little more clear at the end. I also think the ending could have been developed more. I think the dialogue was very good.
This was a very well written story. The grammar was a little off at. And was very predictable at the end. The theme of this story relates to the story really good
Group 2 "A Silent Treatment" There are a lot of grammar mistakes and needs revision.Which made it harder to read. there was no real rising action and no suspence. i do like the story line, but the character showed little emotion to what was happening in the story. i think this could be a good story if mistakes were corrected and a rising action was put in.
Group 5 "Becoming a Sniper" was quite well written actually, though there were some grammatical errors. Learn the difference between there and the possessive their. Also, there wasn't really much of a story, it was more like a little snippet of a biography of his life. When a story has the word sniper in the title it should have a little more action. Not much really happened overall. It was fairly well written so props on that.
“Remember To Love” The Story was not that bad it seemed to be interesting most of the time but it was really long 7+ pages. I think you should have had the boy and his grandma get in some more in depth conversations. It would have also been a little more interesting if you would have had the boy have some of his friends help him through the hard times. Overall the story was good he should have talked to his mom one last time in his life
“The Dream” I like where you’re going with the story. It was a good plot. I didn’t really like how everything happened so quickly but I guess it is a short story. I think if it could be extended it would be very good. I would suggest explaining how the police found out the shooter was Steve. I also think it would have been better to have all this happen in a less crowded area, but it still worked pretty well. Overall I think the actual story needs some work but the idea of it is great.
Group 1 “The Accident”, I thought this story was very creative. It shows that you shouldn’t trust people who you don’t know. Drinking and Driving is never a good thing and can lead to you either losing your life or someone else. In this case the girl was lucky, but it doesn’t always work out that way. One suggestion, I think it got a little confusing for the reader when you were talking about the mystery guy and how no one knew his name. It seemed to be a little weird. All in all I thought this story was good and taught the reader valuable lessons.
Very good use of describing words. They really make the story more interesting and better to read instead of just using the normal words everyone uses. The characters got mixed up or confused with each other and made the story hard to understand when Aimee was calling Audrey and then ended up talking to Carla. Not sure if that was just a mix up or what that was. I love the ending and how its kind of left for the reader to interpret if Emily gets any better and if she ever realizes who people in her life are and remembering them. Very good.
group 3 "Last Wishes" was a good story. The story kinda of ended abruptly which I didn't relly like.I did liked how it didn’t give everything away in the beginning and it made you wonder what was going to happen.I also think that the skydiving trip could have been in more detail.
“Now What” During the date, the main character said that she didn’t remember what all happened during sex. I find that hard to believe and it sounds a little like date rape. They when she told Chad that she was pregnant, he was really calm. That is very unrealistic as well. I don’t think any teenage parent would be calm when finding out they are expecting. The parents were also too calm. The story needs a little drama in it to help it along. I was bored and was waiting for something major to happen. I also think that if you are going to describe labor, you should know what it involves. Mrs. Schoenborn would be disappointed.
I thought this story was very good. The suspense was amazing and made the reader want to keep going and read more to see what was going to happen next. There were some grammar mistakes that if read over again could have been easily taken care of to make a few of the sentences flow a little better. All and all very good story.
Group 2 “Revenge isn’t so sweet” I really liked the story plot. But it followed the movie John Tucker Must Die. it’s a really good movie and all, but there are so many ways that you could have changed it so it wasn’t pretty much exactly the same. You made the theme really obvious but that’s not always a good thing. Your theme is so true but I think it should be more open to interpretation.
Group 1 “The Accident” One suggestion would be to have stop sign be a tree because more accidents like that happen when a tree is struck. Another suggestion is to check some of the grammar and take a look at some of the dialog. I did like most of the descriptions like with the F-350. I also liked the mystery aspect of this story.
Group 2: “One by One’” Whoa! The ending really surprised me, nice job on that! The story was pretty good, I just think it went on and on too much. The wondering and search for Chelsea dragged on too much. I also think that in the introduction you were trying to hard to describe the character, it seems like random sentences were just added on so it didn’t flow too well. The idea of the story was good. It was great that you described Shane’s anger and jealousy so well, that made the ending make perfect sense.
group 4 "suddenly i see" that was a great story. At first i really didn't get it. Until it was a dream. There are a few errors in the story. Overall it was great.
Group 1 “Misled Justice” First thing I have to say is wow! This is a very excellent story and I liked it a lot. I like all of the descriptions and how the writer used similes and metaphors. I especially like the plot of this story. The only suggestion is with the dialog grammar and where to put it. But two thumbs up on this story!
Group 1 “Out in the Cold” I liked this story and it shows that dog is really man’s best friend. I did like the story line to this story and it was written pretty well. Though there are some grammar mistakes. The story also gets a little confusing at some points but I think I followed along good.
Group 1 “The Great Leonidas” I found this to be a very good story. The one thing that I really liked was all of the action and hunting that went on in this story. Leonidas was also an excellent character and you gave good descriptions on him. The way you ended the story is another thing I like because now they were a family again. Some things got a little confusing but it wasn’t too bad. There are also a few errors but overall it is a very good story.
Group 1 “Too Much Too Handle” I did like the story line to this story but some of the writing got confusing. The writer wrote that Kaylee liked Kyle but then it said that she spent time with Nick and that seemed to get confusing. The writer also didn’t really use to much dialog and the some that was used didn’t seem to be done correctly. I think with these changes this would be a very good story.
“A Special Firefighter” It seemed like the story was interesting all the way through, but it never had a climax there was rising action but I never felt like it was that big thing. I like how you showed the little girl that was like his sister it made the story mean a little more to me. The part about the therapist was a little confusing try to change that or cut it out. What also happened in the rest of his life did he stay a firefighter or was he paralyzed?
Group 2 "Becoming a Sniper" This was an excellent story. I felt that the dialogue could have been better and it could have been looked over better. The story had a good plot and I thought you described the life of a rookie sniper with great detail. There were the least amount of mistakes in this story than any other story I have read so far. Overall a very good story!
“A special Firefighter” This was an interesting story, although there wasn’t a lot of rising action on falling action to help describe the theme of this story. There were some parts in the story that were hard to understand, like the part with the therapist and about the little sister. I assume that Ben was paralyzed for the rest of his life then??? That part was a little unclear. Overall it wasn’t to bad of a story.
"The Voice Inside" I really liked this story. The whole idea of it was fantastic and I really got into it. As of now it's the best I've read so far. The dialogue was good and the characters showed good emotion. It could almost be a movie. I really like the ending as well, it leaves a bit of mystery and it's very creative. Bravo!
“Presumed Guilty Until Proven Innocent” This story was overall well written. I thought the way the murderer came back many years later made it interesting and the letter at the end topped off the story. The only thing i can think of to improve the story would be that I could predict who the killer was.
Group 2: “The Voice Inside” I liked the story line for the most part. I was a little confused though, I think Aimee needed to be schizophrenic the whole time, it came up really abruptly and I don’t really understand why. I would also suggest revealing what coworker saw Aimee with her boss and how her husband found out about it. The characters were explained and described nicely. I could easily picture the characters and the settings that they were in.
“Lessons Learned” Good use of Dialogue it seems to make the story seem like it is more realistic and believable. It seems that you are always talking about how Cally is meeting all these friends that are so perfect together but most of them don’t work out make her seem a little more uneasy about some of them. I like how you showed Cally having her personality change throughout the story.
“One Shot, Last Chance” I loved this story. I really got into it and I could feel what was happening the entire time. The plot was great. It got pretty intense. The dialogue was very well done also. I liked the details about the shot and how everything affected it. I thought I could have continued a little more and not have such a sudden ending but overall I really enjoyed it.
Group 2 "Misled Justice" There is only one thing I can say about this story, and that is wow! I was in suspense this whole story. I felt as if the writer kept me on the edge of my seat the whole time! There isn't much i can say about this story that is bad. The only thing is that there wasn't barely any dialogue. Although the plot and the way you wrote the story made up for it. Great Story!!
“Life to Death” This is a very good story it kept me interested in it the whole time I was reading it. I always wanted to keep reading to see what was going to happen next. You used good detail and did I very nice job describing everything that happened during the story. There were a few grammar mistakes here and there but overall I think this was a pretty good story. I enjoyed reading this.
“A brief Loss of Dignity” I loved this story. I like that the characters are based off of real life people. I also love cat-fights. The dialogue was really good and it had really good word choice. It was an overall good story.
Group 1 “Starving to Be Thin”, this story kept the reader constantly guessing and kept me interested. This story taught the reader a valuable lesson in that you shouldn’t change who you are as a person to fit in with a group. Being yourself is much greater than changing who you are. I can tell you really thought this story out and you went into some good detail. One suggestion is, I think her family would have caught onto her, I mean her best friend even knew about. How did the parents not know? Other than that it was a very well written story. Nice Job!
Group 2 "The Dream" This story was overall pretty good, it had a couple of errors but if corrected it would make the story better. The characters did jump around a little bit which made it confusing. I liked the story line and the theme. But the dialog had minor errors.
Group 4 “Remembering to Love” I absolutely loved the ending of this story, and how the author tied in the title of the story so well. There were few if any grammatical errors and the piece flowed nicely and was very easy to follow and understand. The description words that were used were really great, and I could just picture the story in my mind. One thing that you could maybe add would be a little interaction between the husband and wife, but it is nothing serious; mostly a preference thing.
Group 4 “The Voice Inside” I love the twists and turns, and I especially love the ending and how you kind of left it open for the reader to imagine what happened next. I would have liked it more if you would have hinted in the beginning of the story about the split personality, because it seemed to just come out of the blue. The mystery in it was great; I thought it was just going to be another story about a couple in love breaking up. You may want to revise some more, because there were quite a few grammatical errors, but the good thing was that it didn’t take anything away from your story, except in one part when Aimee was calling her sister, and you said her name was Carla, then Audrey and Aubrey. I’m really not sure what was going on there, but overall good job.
"Hitman" This story has a lot of potential but was set back by the grammer and puncuation. The story line was good and the description made me feel as if I was present. Overall a little revision would have made it a prime story.
“Out In the Cold” The start of the story is interesting with the flashback to last year. Try and get a little more into setting it seems weak, like not detailed enough. Let us as readers know more about the race itself dates it goes, people in it, things like that. What happened with the rest of the race we know he did not win it but who did and what else happened in it.
Group 2: “Suddenly I See” Excellent, Excellent job and Describing your character Charli. I really understood her attitude and her strong focus on work. I got to understand that she was finally letting go of her hard work and having some fun in her life. I liked the relationship with her and Rob. It was fun and somewhat edgy and exciting, it was fun to read about. I thought the story line was really creative. I like how you made Rob talk with non perfect grammar, it made it easier to picture him. I would just suggest rechecking some minor grammatical errors in other places and make sure all of your sentences flow. Great story.
Group 4 "Presumed Guilty Until Proven Innocent" The beginning is kind of confusing. If no one moves into Gebary and no one moves out the how is there anyone there? The beginning though does make me want to read more. I see a few minor errors. But it was a pretty good story :).
Group 4 "Revenge isn't so Sweet" was one of the best stories I've read so far. I have absolutely no criticisms for it. It was amazing and its writer dominates life. If you saying anything bad about it, you're just jealous. My favorite part was the "Are you a lesbian?" line. Keep up the good work and stick with the teen comedy genre.
Group 2 "The Voice Inside" This was an excellent story. It was well written with very little mistakes. I liked how the plot was so twisted and all the problems with Aimee. This story also had an amazing ending. I thought it was amazing!
Group 3 "Revenge isn't so Sweet" is a pretty good story. I like the plot but it sounded familiar. I thought the ending could have been a little better. I also thought their could have been more suspense. I like the dialogue between the characters. It was very interesting the way they were doing things. Overall I thought the story was pretty good.
Group 1 "Misled Justice" This story had a really good plot and kept me interested. There were a variety of good words. The only problem was that you could have used more dialogue.
“One Shot, Last Chance” was a really good story. I thought that the dialogue and the detail of the setting was great. I felt like I was there in the story at times. Great story!
Hitman was a story with a great plot and theme but the grammar made it very hard to follow most of the time. I got confused a few times and found a lot of mistakes with grammar but other than that it was a good story.
Group 1 “Deadeye”, this story was very creative and action packed. I liked the detail, kept me interested throughout. The plot was good and it kind of reminded me of James Bond when you talked about the helicopter blades spinning. With all the detail it really painted a picture for the reader. It made things more believable and I thought you did a nice job with it. This story was very well written besides a couple of run-ons. This was a good story of teamwork and precision.
Group 4 "Suddenly I see or As Time Goes On" The intro was really good, it intrigued me to read on. The story, to me, just seems to jump a little from her apartment to the whole jazz idea. I like that the jazz idea was brought into it, it's new and different. Besides the intro possibly being jumpy I don't really have any other criticism. Great story!
Group 1 "life to death" is pretty good. You have some errors but overall this is a good story. one questions. How is he tell the story when he is dead? The setting was great.
"Suddenly I See" Overall this story was really good. Very good description and the title fit the story. Also there werent many grammatical errors which helped the story flow. Great story.
Group 1 “One By One” I really enjoyed reading this story. It held my attention the whole time and I couldn’t keep my eyes off of it. I thought it was creative but it did have a couple grammatical errors. I was hooked the whole time and never really saw the ending coming.
Group 1 “Starving to be Thin” I thought this story made a very good point. The whole story intrigued me and really kept my attention. I think the writer really thought the story plot out and did a very good job at proving their point. One thing though, I think it takes someone that is Bulimic a very long time to recover and it seemed like she recovered quite fast. But overall, I thought it was well put together.
Group 1 “Broken” First, wow, I mean I really enjoyed reading this story and it touched home for me a little. The plot and descriptions were put throughout the whole story and that made it very easy to visualize. I can’t really say anything bad about the story but that I wish there was more. Keep up the good job!
Group 1 “Too Much To Handle” I thought the story line was good but there were many grammatical errors. But what I did like was some of the descriptions and the way he described the girl. I think there just need to be more dialogue and a few corrections.
Group 4"Last Wishes" This was a very well thought out story. If you intended it to be sad it certainly was. The descriptions were very good so overall a good story.
Group 1 Now What? I thought this story had a great story plot and it came together great. I liked how everything was descried in detail and there was a good amount of dialogue. There were a few grammar mistakes and the word, babe, was used to much.
I loved the moral of this story and how it was told to the audience. The dialogue and character descriptions were also very good. There were a few grammar errors and a few sentences were confusing, but overall this story really kept me interested.
Group 1 “Deadeye” This was a good story and lots of action which kept me wanting to read more. You did an excellent job describing the characters and setting. Keeping the narrator a secret until the end was also a great idea. Some areas of the story and some sentences were a little confusing. Overall, this was a great story.
155 comments:
4th hour is the coolest class ever!
"A Silent Treatment" is pretty bad in the grammar department. The grammar mistakes make it hard for me to understand the story. It seems like it is a rough draft. The sentences don't flow very well. A few sentences could be brought together to make it flow better. Overall need A LOT of work in grammar.
"Last Wiches" is a touching story. The sentences flow very well with the story. I felt like that will be me in real life. I think the grammar was good overall.
"One Shot, Last Chance" I really enjoyed this story. The detail was there we needed and I could picture what was happening. A few little, grammar mistakes. It was a really good ending to the story to.
4th hour
The Special Firefighter
I really liked the idea of the story. It was cute. There were some grammatic errors, but those can be improved with practice. I loved the ending and I'm very happy that he felt whole again.
Out in the cold was a good story of survival. Well written and flowed smoothly, it was easy to follow and understand. It could’ve used more suspense; it wasn’t very exciting when he got lost. And the character was pretty well described. Overall, it was a good story, I liked the theme.
“A Silent Treatment” - In this story the grammar needs to be looked at again. There were many tiny mistakes that could be fixed easily. The outline of the story was also hard to follow, wasn’t sure where you were going with the story. You could add more detail into the story and I think it would make more sense to people that are reading it. Also I think that you could join some sentences together; many of the sentences were to short and would sound better if joined.
Group 2
"The Voice Inside" is really confusing, on page 4 first Amiee was calling Audrey but it said she was talking to Carla so i don't know who she was really talking to. so if you could put the right name of who she's talking to when she needs a place to stay it would be a lot less confusing in that part. How does Amiee go from the bar to seeing her shrink? maybe put it like The next day Amiee went and saw Dr. Juniper to find out what was wrong with her. you had a couple of grammar mistakes but nothing to bad. The story was really good and I love how it ends. Kind of leaving you to figure out if she gets better or not. You displayed schizophrenia very well in knowing the symptoms and that there is medication for it.
"The Special Firefighter"
I thought the story was good, but there were afew grammer mistakes that could be fixed. I was a little thrown off, because it went from the time he was 17 to when he was an adult and he had a full time job. Other than that i thought overall the story was good.
"Hitman" needs work. It has a lot of grammar errors. Overall to me it looks good. It has a dark and twisted life.
“Now What” I thought was a good story about teenage pregnancy. It tells about how young love is and how one little gesture could cause lead to pregnancy. I did like how the writer had her boyfriend stay with her through this time. I was kind of surprised how the writer had the parents react to their daughter pregnancy. I kind of thought that they would be mad but that was a good way to show how families can be in hard times. I think that the writer did an excellent job with the descriptions and wrote a good story.
"Broken" i enjoyed reading this story a lot. It was very fluent and easy to follow. The discription was good and i could picture the setting. There could have been more suspense leading up to the climax.A couple of grammar mistakes but a good story overall.
"Blank Eyes"
Very good story, I could tell that you were really into the story. However, I got very confused when you started talking about the characters. I felt like many of them were all the same. You were very good with the storyline however.
Group 3
“Last Wishes” is a good story over all. I liked how it didn’t give everything away in the beginning and it made you wonder what was going to happen. There was also very good description words used to describe the setting. I liked how you could tell what the characters were like and you could picture them. The ending was really sudden and I thought it could’ve described the Paris trip a little more and how Gracie just died one morning. There were a couple typos but nothing too bad.
“Broken” – I really liked the theme of this story. The detail in the story was really good. I could picture everything in my head. There were a couple grammar errors but nothing serious. End of the story I thought was really good to.
"One by One"
I thought was a very well written story. I loved the ending, I never saw it coming. I think that instead of saying Genna, you could use her or she. There were a few sentances that I thought were confussing. I think that the story had a great plot and I really like how you built up to the resolution.
"The Dream"
Jumped around in subject quite a bit and made it confuseing. Some things dont make sence when you are talking about his plans for the house to trap the guy who shot him. Charaters jump around a lot and its hard to keep them all striaght. A very good story if there were some minor changes and if it would flow a little better.
"Broken" I really like how the person in the story becomes a better person becaused of what happened. I could picture the story in my mind. It flows together great. Maybe could have explained what the character did between the break-up and October.
4th hour
Life to Death
I really liked the ending. There were some errors with grammar. I really thought that this was a good story idea. I think that the beginning could have started out better. It just sort of jumped right in. There was no introduction and I was a little confused at first but then I understood.
4th hour
Life to Death
I really liked the ending. There were some errors with grammar. I really thought that this was a good story idea. I think that the beginning could have started out better. It just sort of jumped right in. There was no introduction and I was a little confused at first but then I understood.
"Hitman" is a story that has a good plot. The plot had some good ideas. It is tough to read at some points. The ending was real good. Overall the story was allright but could have been revided better.
Group 2: “Starving to be Thin” I thought it had a nice story line, but was rather confusing and hard to follow. There were quite a few grammatical errors throughout the entire story, so I would suggest better proofreading. There was too much going on in the introduction. I think it would be better to just introduce Kristen and gradually through the story add in her boyfriend and her social life and her struggles to attempt to be the perfect girlfriend. I was also kind of confused as to why she stopped her bulimia for a while so I would add in more about that. The story consisted of great descriptions; I could picture the characters easily. The idea of her fainting during practice was a great way to express how bulimia was destroying her health as well. Over all this story was pretty good, just a few touchups would make it better.
“Now What” The story was good, I think the theme of sexual pressure was a good choice because it’s something a lot of people our age can relate to. I was a little confused at the very beginning the immediate conversation after the introduction didn’t seem to fit. I would say that the story would be better if you took some things out in the beginning and added some things about their life after the baby was born. I liked the idea of putting the Next day, Three months later, etc sections into the story, it made it a little easier to follow. I think the story was a little bit too predictable but good overall.
“The Great Leonidas”. I thought that the description of the scenery and the events in the story, like the snow and the fight with the bear were really good and it made me be able to picture in my mind what you were talking about. It would be even better if there would be different sentence beginnings, because it seems as though every sentence begins with Leonidas. I liked how you tied up all of the loose ends in the story, and I enjoyed the humor at the end. I think that this story is great and would be even better if the author would go through and fix the grammatical errors in this piece, because at some points the reader may become confused.
“Blank Eyes” I loved how the main character Sharleah seemed so innocent and the victim in the beginning, but then took a sharp turn to a horrible wife who was addicted to caffeine pills and who cheated on her husband with multiple men. There were very few grammatical errors in this piece, which made it easy to read and flow very nicely. The story started out great, but then it kind of abruptly ended. I think that the author should add more details about Sharleah’s life with her husband and what led to her divorce. Also make sure that you stick to one story, because when you added her husband’s problems and addictions it seemed like you were going off on a tangent, but overall I really enjoyed the piece.
"Too Much To Handle"
The punctuation and grammar were bad at some parts in this story. However, I liked the mixture of romance and sports that you had. You had a very good storyline and a good buildup at the end when Kyle was the one that knocked Nick off of his sled.
"The Dream" I liked the idea and theme of the story. One part was kind of confusing with saying who said what, Steve said something then I think Jason was supposed to say something. I think it was just a typo. It kind of jumped from one thing to another but it was still pretty good.
"Starving to Be Thin" was an amazingly written story. I loved the theme. I like the twist of having her recover and then end up dying. It just shows how fragile the human body is.
"Becoming a Sniper"
This was a very well thought over written story. The grammar was a little off at some parts and was very predictable at the end. The theme of this story relates very well to now-a-days.
4th hour, remember to write your group number as the heading. Please write 3 compliments and 3 suggestions for each story.
Group4 "a breif loos of dignity" it has a few errors. overall it is a great story. I got confussed on the setting. Out of the story that i have read, I think this one is the best.
"The Great Leonidas"
The good scenery descriptions and the detail of the crash really made me feel like I was at the scene. Grammatical errors within the story and at times I got confused by somethings you said. The ending was excellent!
"Life to Death" the introduction is kind of confusing might want to check your grammer. Also try not to end an introdution with "the story I have to tell or the story I'm going to tell." Try some sentence length variety instead of trying to make them all long. Its okay to have choppy sentences sometimes. It's a good story line. Abuse is common and I'm glad you shed light on it.
Group 5 "Out In the Cold"
I liked the idea of the story. There were very few grammer mistakes. Although I found myself not interested in the middle. Maybe you could add some sort of unexpexted event in the middle. Otherwise I like it.
group 2
" a silent treatment" first off when you're describing the setting don't say the setting takes place... the setting could be described a little better instead of keeping putting she lives by this and she lives by that try to find a new way to put it instead of repeating the same thing over and over. the grammar could be improved. I’m really confused reading this story and I’m only on the first page. the story doesn't seem to flow very well together. its got a good plot but hard to follow. It’s hard to follow who's talking when because the people talking isn't in a new paragraph. Sorry to whomever wrote this but I have no idea what is even going on anymore. Maybe if you separate the paragraphs where people are talking and explain more about what people were saying about the girl’s boyfriend that made him go on a killing spree. Also it would be nice to know what she did in between the time she left the house and when her boyfriend got out of jail. like i said before its a good plot and theme but it jumps around a little too much
Group 4
I thought “Blank Eyes” was overall pretty good, but I think it was really jumpy. It went really good until the story started drifting off into what happened with her husband and her remarriage. It should have stayed from Sharleah’s point of view. Very good grammar and word choice, though. I liked it.
Group 4
“Becoming a Sniper” was a very good story. There were some convention errors and sometimes there could have been better word choice. I really liked the way you kept to the story line and you made a great character picture in my mind. You also had a good storyline. Possibly could have had a greater lead into the climax. Very good though!
Group 4
“A Date with Mary Kate”
I thought this story was pretty good. Some words or phrases were repeated a few too many times. There were a couple of spelling errors, but that’s human. I also thought the character seemed a little too over-created, in being that she was way to dramatic and it seemed almost impossible to have a real person like that. Good word choice and descriptions of places. Overall, good story.
Group 4
“The Great Leonidas”
Watch out for the past-present relationships. I noticed you switched back in forth a lot so it made it a little confusing. Also, cut up the paragraphs more. You shouldn’t have made the first three pages into pretty much one paragraph. You had very good descriptions and not too many grammar errors. Good story!
group 2 "Broken"
Very good story. I can really relate the Niki with my own experiences. A few sentences didn’t flow very well but otherwise very good. I could really picture myself in the setting but your rising action was a little bit weak and could have used a little more power and suspense but other than the few things it was a very good story.
Group 2 – “The Dream” – Was a little confusing to follow the story line. Was not sure where the story was going and the characters were hard to follow. There were some grammar errors but can be fixed easily. Thought that the ending just came on, should include more detail. Overall liked the idea of the story and the details were well explained.
One by one was a good story with a great ending. I liked the end when the boyfriend killed all of her friends. I laughed and went “OWNED!!!” But anyways, I found one or two grammar errors but other than that it was a good story.
Group 5
One by One
I liked the story except that it was very predictable. There weren’t many errors which is good. In the beginning it just jumped in. I thought that there should have been more explaining. Some of the tense of the verbs didn’t match, so that is something you can work on as well. Otherwise the story was good.
Group 5
"The Great Leonidas" was a fairly entertaining story. It was action packed and also emotional. There were some grammatical errors along the way but that happens. One paragraph was 3 pages long, but I guess that also happens sometimes. There could have been more dialogue in the middle of the story to develop the main character more. Nice job!
group 2 "The Dream"
Jumped around in subject quite a bit and made it confusing. Some things don’t make sense when you are talking about his plans for the house to trap the guy who shot him. Characters jump around a lot and its hard to keep them all straight. A very good story if there were some minor changes and if it would flow a little better.
“Now What”, I thought the story was a good real life scenario. It really taught the reader a lesson on how one night can change everything. I was surprised that neither Chad nor her family was upset about the situation. It was kind of hard to believe in that aspect. All in all I thought the story was well written and kept the reader interested in what would happen next. Nice Job!
group 2 "One Shot, Last Chance"
Very good story. I could really put myself in the picture and see what was happening. There were a few little mistakes in your grammar but otherwise the flow of the story was pretty good. Good story!
Group 3
“Revenge Isn’t So Sweet”
I thought the story was good. I could picture everything that was happening and I liked the characters. It kind of jumped around in the beginning and it could have been a little smoother but it was still understandable. A couple of grammar mistakes but nothing major. I thought there was good dialogue and the interaction between the characters was interesting. I also liked how the ending told what happened a week later.
Group 2
"The Silent Treatment"
First off I have to agree with pandabear and shoppingstar on the grammar. I don’t know if it was just overlooked or not looked over at all but it needed some work. While I was reading this story the plot didn't make much sense to me. Also the sentences didn't tie the story together. I believe if this story would have been looked over better and if the grammar would have been improved it would be a great story. I liked the plot and the mystery of the story.
Group 1 "Out In the Cold" I was kind of confused in the beginning because you say he's living in Alaska and then in California. I like that you had a different story line, dog sledding. The creativity was there. Also a little confusing because if he called Dan before, why couldn't he call him for help? Maybe add a little more detail there. The ending was great.
"A Silent Treatment"
Well I agree with pandabear that the grammar was very poor. It did indeed make reading the story much more difficult than it needed to be. That's not all though. The story itself was very confusing. There was no rising action leading to the climax of the story when the deaths happened. They just seemed to happen and the main character showed close to no emotion about the deaths of her friends. I didn't get into the story at all and couldn't tell what was going on most of the time. I did like the idea of the story though so I would suggest starting from scratch but using the same plot.
Group 5
"Lessons Learned" I really liked the story, but I thought that instead of using Cally so much, try saying she or her. I also really enjoyed the flash backs. I could easily tell when they statrted and ended. One thing that I did not like was how you went from talking about her dad to her aunt to the characters own problems. I can understand that throughout her high school years, she had some really rough times, but pick one subject that really affected her. I don't she anyother point in her aunts story or fathers story. They are seperate story's. I think you should have stuck with Marcus and Cally's story.
Group 2 – “One Shot, Last Chance” – I really liked the theme of this story and the detail throughout the story was amazing. I could picture everything that was happening. I liked how it was in present day and then went back 9 months and then went back to present day. The first paragraph I wasn’t really sure what was going on but as I read more into it, I understood everything. In the first paragraph just add more detail to it. Few grammar errors but can be fixed.
"The Voice Inside"
this sotry was confusing at points like the phone call amiee makes there were two different people she was talking to. Also she went from being in the bar to being at her psychiatrist, maybe break it up into two paragraphs and different days, and it could be less confusing. i really liked the ending it left thought on how she gets better or not.
Group 2
"The Dream" very good story it keeps you in suspense wondering weather or not steve is going to finsih what he started. one minor mistake i noticed was on page 4 when it had Jason and Steve talking but you put Steve's name where Jason's should be. well the ending was kind of drab compaired to the rest of the story. you could maybe explain a little more what they did when they got home or what Jason felt like to finally be able to relax and forget about the shooting instead of obsessing over it. great story but the ending could use a little work.
Group 4 "Revenge isn't so sweet" is a good story. there is a few errors. Revenge isn't so sweet. This story reflects that revenge can be hurtfull but tell the truth is better.
Group 4
Becoming a Sniper
The concept of the story is good but it needs more detail. The major thing that kept standing out to me was the inconsistencies in tenses and point of views. It was very confusing to try and switch back and forth between past and presents tenses and the 1st and 3rd person. Changing the story to all one tense and making the point of view consistent will make the story more legible and more enjoyable. I did enjoy the fact that you went through the stages of his life and what influenced his decision to become a sniper.
Group 3
“A Brief Loss of Dignity”
I thought the overall idea of the story was good. Sometimes it felt like it was dragging on though. I liked how you described the characters because it was really easy to picture them. It was interesting because the characters contrasted each other so much. The setting was also described really well. There were a few grammar mistakes but not bad.
Group 4
The Great Leonidas
I enjoyed the story but was a little confused when you switched between past and present tenses. I did think that the story’s plot was good but I don’t think it is realistic in the way that Leonidas got by very easily and he wasn’t afraid dieing in the wilderness. I think even a calm collected person would be a little afraid of dying. I also thought that Leonidas would feel more grief when Henry died because he was a friend of the family. I think you should also go into more detail about Leonidas’ family situation and his relationship with his father.
Group 1
“Deadeye” I thought that this was a pretty good story. To start off with I liked all of the action in this story and the gore. The descriptions in this story were also excellent. I thought that you described the scene at the camp well and also how he lined up the shot to kill the one enemy. One suggestion would be to add a little more about his training. Another one would be to write a little more about his scout, Jon. All in all thought this was a very good story and I like it.
Group 3
"Presumed Guilty until Proven Innocent" was a good story. I like the plot. I also like how the end was summed up. I thought the story good have veen a little more clear though. The sory also could use a little more suspense.
Group 4
This was a very well written story. The grammar was a little off at. And was very predictable at the end. The theme of this story relates to the story really good
Group 2
"The Dream"
I enjoyed reading this story. I think the dialouge was well written and there were good word choices in the sentences. I felt that the story was jumping around too much. I had a hard time following the setting. Overall a good story!
Group 5
Remembering to Love
Alzheimer’s disease is very unlikely at 25 years old. After reading just that sentence, the story is very unbelievable at first. I did like the story line and the dialogue was written very well. I thought the names were a little plain, there could have been a little more creative.
“A Date with Mary Kate”
I thought this story was pretty good. Some words were repeated a few too many times. There were a couple of spelling errors.Good word choice.
Group 3
“Hitman”
There were quite a few grammar mistakes in this story but it was ok. Some of it was hard to follow because in a couple spots it switched from first person to third person. There were a lot of mistakes with quotes and when people were talking. The setting was described very well and it felt like I was there. The concept of the story was pretty good but the ending was a little confusing.
Group 5
"Too Much to Handle" was descent. Some sentences were run-ons or just not worded correctly. The dialogue was written quite poorly. For example-“did you hear Kaylee hooked you with Kyle this weakened I guess they have been talking and hanging out secretly like the last 2 weeks.” Is that a joke? Also, you described what the girl's hair looked like about a dozen times. Unless this was some form of symbolism, I don't see the point. I was confused as to what was going on at times. I liked the name Debbie. The chain of events was okay, but more could have happened. The story wasn't even 3 pages long. Better luck next time.
Group 4
Blank Eyes
I enjoyed the story because of the many different conflicts that Sharleah has to go through but I also think that having that many conflicts can get confusing if you don’t transition better. I also think you should go into more detail about here caffeine “addiction” and add more insight to why she feels the need to be with other men. This will shed more light on her feelings and her situation. I also feel that her second husband and the divorce between Sharleah and her second husband were tacked on to the story.
I really enjoyed “My Hero Hibert”. I thought it was funny and creative. Hibert really is a hero. Great story!
Group 2“The Accident” There was a lot going on in this story, making it kind of hard to follow. Some things in the story just didn’t seem to make sense to me like the line on page two, “I haven’t seen very many people but the ones that came to see me in the hospital.” She was in a coma so I don’t think she would be able to see anyone… Nice job on describing Riley’s feelings and the events she was going through, it was easy to picture things, especially the part where Ben first takes her to the cabin. However, this part was also confusing to me because I didn’t understand how she fell in love with him so fast and how their relationship started right away. I think the ending needs a lot of work; it was nice to try to create in open ending so the reader can interpret what they think will happen, but it was a little too open. You should have at least explained Ben’s reaction. The ideas in the story were great but I would focus more on one specific story, like her and Ben meeting and building their relationship, her pregnancy, and how it changed things. If this was the focus you wanted you shouldn’t have so much about the accident.
“Deadeye” This was a really great story. The descriptions were excellent and it had just the right amount of action. You described the setting and the characters very well, it was easy to get an idea of who they were and where they were. I would just suggest adding in why they are in Venezuela. I didn’t really understand why they were after these people. I really really liked how you didn’t say who the narrator was until the very last sentence, that was interesting.
Hour 6- Group 3
"Hitman"
This is a very descriptive story that needs better dialogue functioning. It tells a great story, but needs lots of punctuation and other things.
Group 4 “A Date with Mary Kate” The beginning of the story was great! I loved how you developed Mary Kate, the reader can really picture her and her actions in real life. Some of the word placement in the story should be revised, for example: It was hot out and if she ran she would go running. I’m not really sure what you what you were getting at here, if you miss typed the sentence or something like that. The quotations were great and I especially like the tags you used, it made your quotes believable to what the character might say. What happened to the rest of the story I was disappointed when it ended so abruptly on page four. To make it better I think that you should add the date that she was going on, and then progress to her parents taking her to rehab.
Group 4 “Too Much to Handle” I liked how this story ended, but I was a little confused towards the end when you said: The next few weeks went past with the same story me racing when I could and Kaylee spending a lot of her time with Nick; wasn’t Kaylee and Kyle dating? Over all the story was interesting and I liked it because I thought that it was all going to be about racing and guy stuff, but it was actually about a boy having a crush on this girl. The story plot is good, but you need a lot more revising, because there are quite a few grammatical errors.
"Out in the Cold"
I didnt think this story was very exciting when he got lost. But it is a good about survival and what you need to do. The story was also easy to follow and was written fairly well.
Group 4 “Becoming a Sniper” The author did a pretty good job editing this piece because there were a few errors, and it was the best in the grammar department I have seen so far. There were a few repetitious phrases that were used, like when you talk about that he could have done other things but go into the army, but he wanted to do it because he thought it was the best thing for him right now was mentioned too many times throughout the piece. The story line was good, but I would have liked to know more about Iraq, and some of his first missions, and you should describe more what it was like in there.
Group 4 “Broken” The ending was great, and I loved how you tied up all of the loose ends and kind of ended with parts in the beginning hoping that they could be in love again. The sentences had a nice flow to them when read, and there was maybe one grammatical error. I was kind of confused in the middle when it seemed like she wanted to break up with him and that she really didn’t love him anymore, but then she was so broken up by him cheating. Overall the story was very good and I really enjoyed reading it.
Group 4
Very good story, I got very confused when you were talking about the charaters becaue they all sounded the same.
group 2 “A Silent Treatment”
The story is very hard to follow. The grammar mistakes make the sentences hard to follow and make them not flow together very well. I understand the point of the story to a point but it kind of jumps around a lot leaving the reader very confused as to what is really going on. Some of the sentences could have been combined to help it flow smoother and to help the reader to be able to understand it better.
Group 5
"A Date with Mary Kate" Okay, first of all, I just want to say that anyone who thinks the main character in this story isn't believable is probably the most boring person alive and needs to get a future. I totally could imagine this person in my mind and she probably would be hilarious. The dialogue was outstanding. This is my fave in the group I am reading. It might have ended a little too soon, but it was cliffhangerish and I kind of liked it actually.
“Lessons Learned”
This story actually contains like 4 stories and I didn’t like it. This is supposed to be a short story not 4 stories in one. They were all good ideas but maybe if you would have stuck with one idea the story would have been good. There were a couple grammar errors. The red lines under the words usually mean they are spelled wrong, with the exception of some proper nouns.
Group 1
“Starving to be Thin” I thought was a good life story and a good lesson to be learned. People with eating disorders should read this story. I like the way that you described her problems and how she handled them. I think you did a good job at showing how bulimia could affect a person. One of my suggestions would be to maybe organize it a little better because I get a little confused at one point. One more would maybe to go into a little more detail about her childhood if that would have cause he bulimia. But this was a very good story.
Group 4
Too Much To Handle
I felt that the story was good but the plot seem forced. The sentences didn’t flow well and your grammar needs work. The concept was good but what was the point of it. I think you may have tried the “be your self and don’t try to change” theme but it seems tacked on. I also want to point out that I think you misplace Kyle’s name with Nick’s in this sentence: “The next few weeks went past with the same story me racing when I could and Kaylee spending a lot of her time with Nick.”
Group 2
"My Hero Hilbert"
This story was excellent. I was in suspense the whole time. It had good action and plot. I felt that it could have been looked over alittle better sicne there were a few errors in grammar and typing. There was also alot of good dialogue in the story. Overall an excellent story!!
Group 2: “Presumed Guilty Until Proven Innocent” This is a really great story! Great job and describing the characters’ personalities and characteristics. The idea of the story was creative and interesting, I really like it. I think the title fit the story greatly. The ending was my favorite part; I really liked the idea of the letter they found. When I started reading the story I was expecting Terry to be the criminal from the start so it was a nice surprise finding out he wasn’t. I would just suggest adding more tags in parts; it got a little bit confusing because I didn’t know who was talking when. I also was a little confused because I didn’t understand why Terry wanted to leave the town so bad.
Group 2
“Broken” the story is good. I love how it explains how a perfect relationship can turn sour so fast. The only thing I can think of changing is maybe the whole story that he tells when she finds out he’s cheating. I mean I don’t know what you’re terms of cheating are but I don’t really consider just kissing cheating. So if maybe you could expand a little more on that. That’s about all I can think of. It’s a really good story
group 3
"Suddenly i see" was a pretty good story. I liked the plot and the way the story progressed. I thought the story could have been a little more clear at the end. I also think the ending could have been developed more. I think the dialogue was very good.
Becoming A Sniper
This was a very well written story. The grammar was a little off at. And was very predictable at the end. The theme of this story relates to the story really good
Group 2 "The Accident" Were you talking about the car or the baby? i really didn't know which you you were talking about. Overall it was great.
Group 2
"A Silent Treatment"
There are a lot of grammar mistakes and needs revision.Which made it harder to read. there was no real rising action and no suspence. i do like the story line, but the character showed little emotion to what was happening in the story. i think this could be a good story if mistakes were corrected and a rising action was put in.
Group 5
"Becoming a Sniper" was quite well written actually, though there were some grammatical errors. Learn the difference between there and the possessive their. Also, there wasn't really much of a story, it was more like a little snippet of a biography of his life. When a story has the word sniper in the title it should have a little more action. Not much really happened overall. It was fairly well written so props on that.
Group 4
Blank Eyes
Very good story, I got very confused when you were talking about the charaters becaue they all sounded the same.
“Remember To Love”
The Story was not that bad it seemed to be interesting most of the time but it was really long 7+ pages. I think you should have had the boy and his grandma get in some more in depth conversations. It would have also been a little more interesting if you would have had the boy have some of his friends help him through the hard times. Overall the story was good he should have talked to his mom one last time in his life
“The Dream”
I like where you’re going with the story. It was a good plot. I didn’t really like how everything happened so quickly but I guess it is a short story. I think if it could be extended it would be very good. I would suggest explaining how the police found out the shooter was Steve. I also think it would have been better to have all this happen in a less crowded area, but it still worked pretty well. Overall I think the actual story needs some work but the idea of it is great.
Group 1
“The Accident”, I thought this story was very creative. It shows that you shouldn’t trust people who you don’t know. Drinking and Driving is never a good thing and can lead to you either losing your life or someone else. In this case the girl was lucky, but it doesn’t always work out that way. One suggestion, I think it got a little confusing for the reader when you were talking about the mystery guy and how no one knew his name. It seemed to be a little weird. All in all I thought this story was good and taught the reader valuable lessons.
group 2 “A Voice Inside”
Very good use of describing words. They really make the story more interesting and better to read instead of just using the normal words everyone uses. The characters got mixed up or confused with each other and made the story hard to understand when Aimee was calling Audrey and then ended up talking to Carla. Not sure if that was just a mix up or what that was. I love the ending and how its kind of left for the reader to interpret if Emily gets any better and if she ever realizes who people in her life are and remembering them. Very good.
group 3
"Last Wishes" was a good story. The story kinda of ended abruptly which I didn't relly like.I did liked how it didn’t give everything away in the beginning and it made you wonder what was going to happen.I also think that the skydiving trip could have been in more detail.
“Now What”
During the date, the main character said that she didn’t remember what all happened during sex. I find that hard to believe and it sounds a little like date rape. They when she told Chad that she was pregnant, he was really calm. That is very unrealistic as well. I don’t think any teenage parent would be calm when finding out they are expecting. The parents were also too calm. The story needs a little drama in it to help it along. I was bored and was waiting for something major to happen. I also think that if you are going to describe labor, you should know what it involves. Mrs. Schoenborn would be disappointed.
group 2 “My Hero Hibert”
I thought this story was very good. The suspense was amazing and made the reader want to keep going and read more to see what was going to happen next. There were some grammar mistakes that if read over again could have been easily taken care of to make a few of the sentences flow a little better. All and all very good story.
Group 2
“Revenge isn’t so sweet” I really liked the story plot. But it followed the movie John Tucker Must Die. it’s a really good movie and all, but there are so many ways that you could have changed it so it wasn’t pretty much exactly the same. You made the theme really obvious but that’s not always a good thing. Your theme is so true but I think it should be more open to interpretation.
Group 1
“The Accident” One suggestion would be to have stop sign be a tree because more accidents like that happen when a tree is struck. Another suggestion is to check some of the grammar and take a look at some of the dialog. I did like most of the descriptions like with the F-350. I also liked the mystery aspect of this story.
Group 2: “One by One’” Whoa! The ending really surprised me, nice job on that! The story was pretty good, I just think it went on and on too much. The wondering and search for Chelsea dragged on too much. I also think that in the introduction you were trying to hard to describe the character, it seems like random sentences were just added on so it didn’t flow too well. The idea of the story was good. It was great that you described Shane’s anger and jealousy so well, that made the ending make perfect sense.
group 4 "suddenly i see" that was a great story. At first i really didn't get it. Until it was a dream. There are a few errors in the story. Overall it was great.
Group 1
“Misled Justice” First thing I have to say is wow! This is a very excellent story and I liked it a lot. I like all of the descriptions and how the writer used similes and metaphors. I especially like the plot of this story. The only suggestion is with the dialog grammar and where to put it. But two thumbs up on this story!
Group 1
“Out in the Cold” I liked this story and it shows that dog is really man’s best friend. I did like the story line to this story and it was written pretty well. Though there are some grammar mistakes. The story also gets a little confusing at some points but I think I followed along good.
Group 1
“The Great Leonidas” I found this to be a very good story. The one thing that I really liked was all of the action and hunting that went on in this story. Leonidas was also an excellent character and you gave good descriptions on him. The way you ended the story is another thing I like because now they were a family again. Some things got a little confusing but it wasn’t too bad. There are also a few errors but overall it is a very good story.
Group 1
“Too Much Too Handle” I did like the story line to this story but some of the writing got confusing. The writer wrote that Kaylee liked Kyle but then it said that she spent time with Nick and that seemed to get confusing. The writer also didn’t really use to much dialog and the some that was used didn’t seem to be done correctly. I think with these changes this would be a very good story.
“A Special Firefighter”
It seemed like the story was interesting all the way through, but it never had a climax there was rising action but I never felt like it was that big thing. I like how you showed the little girl that was like his sister it made the story mean a little more to me. The part about the therapist was a little confusing try to change that or cut it out. What also happened in the rest of his life did he stay a firefighter or was he paralyzed?
Group 2
"Becoming a Sniper"
This was an excellent story. I felt that the dialogue could have been better and it could have been looked over better. The story had a good plot and I thought you described the life of a rookie sniper with great detail. There were the least amount of mistakes in this story than any other story I have read so far. Overall a very good story!
“A special Firefighter”
This was an interesting story, although there wasn’t a lot of rising action on falling action to help describe the theme of this story. There were some parts in the story that were hard to understand, like the part with the therapist and about the little sister. I assume that Ben was paralyzed for the rest of his life then??? That part was a little unclear. Overall it wasn’t to bad of a story.
"The Voice Inside"
I really liked this story. The whole idea of it was fantastic and I really got into it. As of now it's the best I've read so far. The dialogue was good and the characters showed good emotion. It could almost be a movie. I really like the ending as well, it leaves a bit of mystery and it's very creative. Bravo!
“Presumed Guilty Until Proven Innocent” This story was overall well written. I thought the way the murderer came back many years later made it interesting and the letter at the end topped off the story. The only thing i can think of to improve the story would be that I could predict who the killer was.
Group 2: “The Voice Inside” I liked the story line for the most part. I was a little confused though, I think Aimee needed to be schizophrenic the whole time, it came up really abruptly and I don’t really understand why. I would also suggest revealing what coworker saw Aimee with her boss and how her husband found out about it. The characters were explained and described nicely. I could easily picture the characters and the settings that they were in.
“Lessons Learned”
Good use of Dialogue it seems to make the story seem like it is more realistic and believable. It seems that you are always talking about how Cally is meeting all these friends that are so perfect together but most of them don’t work out make her seem a little more uneasy about some of them. I like how you showed Cally having her personality change throughout the story.
“One Shot, Last Chance”
I loved this story. I really got into it and I could feel what was happening the entire time. The plot was great. It got pretty intense. The dialogue was very well done also. I liked the details about the shot and how everything affected it. I thought I could have continued a little more and not have such a sudden ending but overall I really enjoyed it.
One shot, Last chance was a good story, it reminded me of the movie “Shooter” in the beginning. Pretty well described and a good plot too.
Group 2
"Misled Justice"
There is only one thing I can say about this story, and that is wow!
I was in suspense this whole story. I felt as if the writer kept me on the edge of my seat the whole time! There isn't much i can say about this story that is bad. The only thing is that there wasn't barely any dialogue. Although the plot and the way you wrote the story made up for it. Great Story!!
“Life to Death”
This is a very good story it kept me interested in it the whole time I was reading it. I always wanted to keep reading to see what was going to happen next. You used good detail and did I very nice job describing everything that happened during the story. There were a few grammar mistakes here and there but overall I think this was a pretty good story. I enjoyed reading this.
For “Deadeye” I thought that the suspense was good and the detail of the environment was good. I really liked the ending of the story. Great story.
“A brief Loss of Dignity”
I loved this story. I like that the characters are based off of real life people. I also love cat-fights. The dialogue was really good and it had really good word choice. It was an overall good story.
Group 1
“Starving to Be Thin”, this story kept the reader constantly guessing and kept me interested. This story taught the reader a valuable lesson in that you shouldn’t change who you are as a person to fit in with a group. Being yourself is much greater than changing who you are. I can tell you really thought this story out and you went into some good detail. One suggestion is, I think her family would have caught onto her, I mean her best friend even knew about. How did the parents not know? Other than that it was a very well written story. Nice Job!
Group 2
"The Dream"
This story was overall pretty good, it had a couple of errors but if corrected it would make the story better. The characters did jump around a little bit which made it confusing. I liked the story line and the theme. But the dialog had minor errors.
Group 4 “Remembering to Love” I absolutely loved the ending of this story, and how the author tied in the title of the story so well. There were few if any grammatical errors and the piece flowed nicely and was very easy to follow and understand. The description words that were used were really great, and I could just picture the story in my mind. One thing that you could maybe add would be a little interaction between the husband and wife, but it is nothing serious; mostly a preference thing.
Group 4 “The Voice Inside” I love the twists and turns, and I especially love the ending and how you kind of left it open for the reader to imagine what happened next. I would have liked it more if you would have hinted in the beginning of the story about the split personality, because it seemed to just come out of the blue. The mystery in it was great; I thought it was just going to be another story about a couple in love breaking up. You may want to revise some more, because there were quite a few grammatical errors, but the good thing was that it didn’t take anything away from your story, except in one part when Aimee was calling her sister, and you said her name was Carla, then Audrey and Aubrey. I’m really not sure what was going on there, but overall good job.
"Hitman"
This story has a lot of potential but was set back by the grammer and puncuation. The story line was good and the description made me feel as if I was present. Overall a little revision would have made it a prime story.
“Out In the Cold”
The start of the story is interesting with the flashback to last year. Try and get a little more into setting it seems weak, like not detailed enough. Let us as readers know more about the race itself dates it goes, people in it, things like that. What happened with the rest of the race we know he did not win it but who did and what else happened in it.
Group 2: “Suddenly I See” Excellent, Excellent job and Describing your character Charli. I really understood her attitude and her strong focus on work. I got to understand that she was finally letting go of her hard work and having some fun in her life. I liked the relationship with her and Rob. It was fun and somewhat edgy and exciting, it was fun to read about. I thought the story line was really creative. I like how you made Rob talk with non perfect grammar, it made it easier to picture him. I would just suggest rechecking some minor grammatical errors in other places and make sure all of your sentences flow. Great story.
Group 4 "Presumed Guilty Until Proven Innocent" The beginning is kind of confusing. If no one moves into Gebary and no one moves out the how is there anyone there? The beginning though does make me want to read more. I see a few minor errors. But it was a pretty good story :).
Group 4
"Revenge isn't so Sweet" was one of the best stories I've read so far. I have absolutely no criticisms for it. It was amazing and its writer dominates life. If you saying anything bad about it, you're just jealous. My favorite part was the "Are you a lesbian?" line. Keep up the good work and stick with the teen comedy genre.
Group 2
"The Voice Inside"
This was an excellent story. It was well written with very little mistakes. I liked how the plot was so twisted and all the problems with Aimee. This story also had an amazing ending. I thought it was amazing!
Group 3
"Revenge isn't so Sweet" is a pretty good story. I like the plot but it sounded familiar. I thought the ending could have been a little better. I also thought their could have been more suspense. I like the dialogue between the characters. It was very interesting the way they were doing things. Overall I thought the story was pretty good.
Group 1
"Misled Justice"
This story had a really good plot and kept me interested. There were a variety of good words. The only problem was that you could have used more dialogue.
“One Shot, Last Chance” was a really good story. I thought that the dialogue and the detail of the setting was great. I felt like I was there in the story at times. Great story!
Hitman was a story with a great plot and theme but the grammar made it very hard to follow most of the time. I got confused a few times and found a lot of mistakes with grammar but other than that it was a good story.
Group 1
“Deadeye”, this story was very creative and action packed. I liked the detail, kept me interested throughout. The plot was good and it kind of reminded me of James Bond when you talked about the helicopter blades spinning. With all the detail it really painted a picture for the reader. It made things more believable and I thought you did a nice job with it. This story was very well written besides a couple of run-ons. This was a good story of teamwork and precision.
Group 4 "Suddenly I see or As Time Goes On" The intro was really good, it intrigued me to read on. The story, to me, just seems to jump a little from her apartment to the whole jazz idea. I like that the jazz idea was brought into it, it's new and different. Besides the intro possibly being jumpy I don't really have any other criticism. Great story!
Group 1 "life to death" is pretty good. You have some errors but overall this is a good story. one questions. How is he tell the story when he is dead? The setting was great.
"Suddenly I See"
Overall this story was really good. Very good description and the title fit the story. Also there werent many grammatical errors which helped the story flow. Great story.
Group 1
“One By One”
I really enjoyed reading this story. It held my attention the whole time and I couldn’t keep my eyes off of it. I thought it was creative but it did have a couple grammatical errors. I was hooked the whole time and never really saw the ending coming.
Group 1
“Starving to be Thin”
I thought this story made a very good point. The whole story intrigued me and really kept my attention. I think the writer really thought the story plot out and did a very good job at proving their point. One thing though, I think it takes someone that is Bulimic a very long time to recover and it seemed like she recovered quite fast. But overall, I thought it was well put together.
Group 1
“Broken”
First, wow, I mean I really enjoyed reading this story and it touched home for me a little. The plot and descriptions were put throughout the whole story and that made it very easy to visualize. I can’t really say anything bad about the story but that I wish there was more. Keep up the good job!
Group 1
“Too Much To Handle”
I thought the story line was good but there were many grammatical errors. But what I did like was some of the descriptions and the way he described the girl. I think there just need to be more dialogue and a few corrections.
Group 4"Last Wishes" This was a very well thought out story. If you intended it to be sad it certainly was. The descriptions were very good so overall a good story.
Group 1
Now What?
I thought this story had a great story plot and it came together great. I liked how everything was descried in detail and there was a good amount of dialogue. There were a few grammar mistakes and the word, babe, was used to much.
Group 1
"Starving to be Thin."
I loved the moral of this story and how it was told to the audience. The dialogue and character descriptions were also very good. There were a few grammar errors and a few sentences were confusing, but overall this story really kept me interested.
Group 1
“Deadeye”
This was a good story and lots of action which kept me wanting to read more. You did an excellent job describing the characters and setting. Keeping the narrator a secret until the end was also a great idea. Some areas of the story and some sentences were a little confusing. Overall, this was a great story.
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