This blog was created for Mrs. Gilson's Creative Writing courses. Students are encouraged to write compliments and suggestions when evaluating students' writing pieces. Please respect everyone's privacy and provide positive remarks.
Well i don't no what to think on this story. It isnt really finished so i can't really blog like i wanted to. I liked the storyline and the way it was going to turn out but you didnt finish it or i didnt think it was finished . Anyways i really liked it but maybee more details and maybee get a little more descriptive with the cars, and you didnt deascribe the physical characteristics of the people or anything.
In the story “Scarred for his life” I thought it was a great continuation of the writing prompt. I really loved the description that was given for Jason, and I thought that his friend did the right thing with contacting the teachers immediately. I would say though that I thought the ending was a little abrupt and could have told a little more. Given a little description on how his father seemed to take the divorce hard or why his parents even got the divorce. Other than that I thought it was a great story and if it is told from experience, whoever “Christian” was did the right thing.
"Scarred for his Life" Few grammer errors. Very good begining. Good background information. The talking parts seem to be inturupted. Some parts seem to move to fast withiout much explanation. Overall very good story line. The story seems to move very fast and not much of an ending. Great Job!
I did like the story alot. The beginning was very intertesting and did keep me interested enough I wanted to read on. Great story line, but ending was a little abrupt. Very understanding though, i can see they where getting to the end and still had a long way to go. Conisdering the amount of pages we could had it was the only choice or redo the story.
Group 5 "Achieving Greatness" I really liked this story. I thought that it was well written and had a good message in it. It is a storyline that the average person can relate to. The characters and the relationships between them were believable and easy to understand.
To make the story even better, maybe tie the death of the main character's dog into the story more. It felt like that part of the story was going fine, but then at the end wasn't as strong. Also maybe elaborate more on the relationship between her and her mother more. But overall this was a very good story.
I thought that the story was very suspenseful at times and I kept me going. I liked when you where talking about hiding and watching the men get shot. I seemed like who ever wrote this really put a lot of time into writing this. I also really liked the creativity in the names like Jeb and Manny. They where names I would never think of but they fit there description working on the railroads and such. Something that kind-of confused me a bit was some of the randomness in the writing like when you wrote… Jeb replied, “Mr. Element let them go! He said he had no proof when everything was in front of him.” I didn’t know where it was coming from or who he was talking to. I didn’t really get it but maybe it was just and error I had in the reading. But otherwise it was a good story and kept me going until the end!
Group 1 “Boy Troubles” This story was good. I’m glad at the end you mentioned that Chad was not a stalker. I would suggest that you have more to it, don’t just end it so abruptly. You might want to describe the characters a little more.
I love the use of the past in the story “Tracks to Freedom”. You must have had to do a little of research just to write this. Very interesting names I must add. Next time you could try to add a little more description, like when you are talking about watching them scurry across the sand, you could have said something like the burning waves of sand. Just try to make it a little more dramatic. I did find it a little hard to follow it maybe next time try to stay in more or less the same place, like camp. Other then that great job! You must have worked really hard.
Group 3 “Clues to Goodbye” well this story was very well written. There were some parts that were confusing but I reread them and now the story is great. One suggestion is to have the flashback not so abrupt. I love the fact that he went searching for her and then he ended up back at Trey’s grave.
One other thing you could tie up who Charolette was and how did she know Trey and Brady But very good story. The ending was very sweet.
I liked the overall story. The plot seemed real and I liked the fact that Jeff wanted to save the others instead of turning around and running for his life with Laura. I liked the action parts as well. They had very nice descriptions and I felt as though i was one of the hostages in the room.
A few suggestions would be to paint a better picture of your character. I couldn't really picture a person but a stick figure instead. A little character sketch could clear that right up though! Also add what happened after the robber was shot. Did he fall down? Did he look at his bloddy hand which covered his body where the bullet had punctured him? A tad bit more details would definately add more spice and give more to your story! nice work :)
On "Dark Sister" I think that the storyline is good but at times there are some confusing parts on who is speaking and from whose point of view the story is being told from. Maybe try to give more background of the members of the family. They are mentioned once in a while but we don't know who is doing the actions. I also like how the climax is held off to create a suspense making the reader want to read on and find out what Kaylee had done that was so horrible. You might want to lead more into the punishment that Kaylee recieved. It seems a little abrupt. The dramitic ending adds a little twist as well.
"Clues to Goodbye"-Awesome story! I loved it from beginning to end. Great transitions and adjectives. The conclusive paragraph was very good, very touching and I sort of wished that the story could have went on. One thing that I noticed was that the year on the ipod was different fromt the year on the gravestone and it was sort of confusing, just make sure that you keep dates corresponding. Overall I thought it was a great story and I dont really have many other suggestions other than keep the dates corresponding!
Group 5 "Dark Sister" The storyline was good, but hard to follow. I didn't really know who was narrating because the narrator seemed to switch half way through and then switched back. So maybe descirbe who the marrator is. Maybe make the story flow more, because sometimes it felt too choppy.
group 4 "achiveing greatness" was an exelently written story. i really liked how the writer discribed every detail of what was going on with haily and how the dialouge flowed. it also had vivid vocabulary and i liked the few onomotopeas in it.
The story seemed to flow nicely at first but then it suddenly ended. Maybe try to end the story with the championship race and the brothers could tie or someone else could win. I liked how you described the race season with each race the brothers were getting better. Another suggestion would be to describe your character. You could do this in the beginning when he is looking at the picture of his family. Also I liked the part where Mark explains to Mike how he beat the racer's edge... It made me smirk a little. :) Nice story but fix the ending so it ends a little smoother instead of so abrupt.
"Unforgetable night" was a good story with an interesting theme, i liked the description of what the narrator was experianceing and they had exelent word choice to describe what its like. there were a few grammatical errors and wrong spellings of similar words but otherwise a good story.
"Espionage"-You have a great beginning, it's very detailed. Some of the words you chose are strong and really bring the peice together. The choice of setting was great but maybe describe it a little more. You didnt really describe the character's physical features but I good job on showing his personality. It's a little lengthy in some parts and almost becomes boring but I did like the story a lot. I love how you brought a sort of fantasy-like theme to the story. Just watch the length!
I like the fact that the pretty girl went for the odd man out. It was interesting how at fist she didn’t even want to sit with him on the bus, but later she ends up falling for him. I think that some events in the story happened abruptly. You could have smoothed your way into the fight with her ex boyfriend a little bit better. I really liked the end of the story. It doesn’t just end but it doesn’t drag on. Nicely done!
I thought that this story had some very good specific descriptions and analogy’s like when you talked about the car being pack with 12 clowns and I also like the description of the Sucio River. It was obviously a beautiful river and the way you described it made it sound just as pretty as it probably looked when you where there. I was kind of confused a little bit when Clif came in there probably could have been a little bit of more of a description because I wasn’t sure if he was a boyfriend or a brother or what until they kissed and all that and then it was pretty obvious. I also liked that you put those breaks in the page because when totally new conversations it made it much easier to follow otherwise I would have been pretty lost. I also think that sometimes you should put who is talking in the beginning of the quote more so that it is easier to tell who is talking especially the part where the dad and cliff are in the same conversations because it made me a little confused. But otherwise it was a very good story!
Group 2 (sorry its a long one.) In the story “Crime Doesn’t Pay” I love your description, it was so detailed I really could feel and see what the main character Kaylee Lamont was seeing. The action with the mugging was a great touch to add when talking about a female living in the city. Nice work. It could do with a little more dialogue then it had. Also not all people know what all of the large words you have used mean. Try to dumb it down a little bit. :) another thing is when you describe the thief getting shot it would help to say something like ‘standing in shock it seemed like eternity before the thief collapsed, pouring blood from the hole she had inflicted’ just make it seem that it did take a little longer for the person to die. Plus Kaylee must have been scared at what she had done. I also think that the ending was really twisted, the poor girl was going to an interview and end up getting carted away. Other then that I really liked your story and think you did a great job of describing it as you did. Nice work:)
"She wasnt expecting a thing that summer" First off i like how u gave background information. i also liked that u separated the different sectoins. Start a new paragraph when a new person talks. A little confusing on who is telling the story tht whoe time. Song name is punctuated wrong. Maybe describe the charector more. Story moves kind of fast and choppy like. Ilove how the ending tells what happened to allthe characters.
Group 5 "The Dream Gone Wrong" I liked the plot of this story. The characters were described well and the dialogue was great. At times though I felt like I was being told about someone's day, not that I reading a short story. To solve this, maybe try not to write like it is your conversation. Also sometimes I forgot that the woman was in her mid twenties because her actions made it feel like she was in high school. Overall though I thought this was a great story.
Very good story. One thing that I didn’t understand was that Kyle played football and played in band during halftime. Is that possible?
Very good description words, along with the setting. Another thing is that I was a little confused on some parts try and read out loud your story. But I loved the ending them getting married when they were high school sweethearts.
"Summer of Love"-Your story was very sentimental and it had a good start to it. I liked the romance part of it a lot, but I think that a little bit of it was sort of cheezy. Good story overall, especially during homecoming. About midway through it was a little bit confusing, but it definitely regained itself towards the end. The end was pretty good, but I think I would have taken out the first two sentences of the conclusive paragraph because it is almost a little confusing. I really did love the story and I hope to read another one of yours!
The story overall was good i liked the setting in school it was realistic to a high school love story and what can happen. A suggestion, that would be easy to correct, just read the story aloud there are a few word mistakes that i could pick out that would stick out like a sore thumb if read aloud. Another would be to describe you character physical and metally, what she looks like and what her personality is. One last suggestion was to maybe go into a little more detail on the ending what happened to the two the ex-boyfriend and what ended up happening with chad and jennie. Other than those suggestions i would compliment you on keeping the story flowing its an easy reader. Your not sure whats going to happen it could take a turn for the worst or turn out like a cinderella story you keep the reader guessing.
When I first started to read the story, i saw a lot of I... "I was, I have, Ihad, I found" Try using a different words or rearranging your sentances a little. "Once a middle school teacher, but now resigned due to lung cancer." When you first mention the second husband, I had no idea what he looked like! and you didn't mention his name till the last sentance so i was like who's mark? Add a little more detail about him and what made him a much better father than Will ever would have been and that could clear some things up. One more suggestion.. Instead of visiting the grandparents who probably would be dead, they should maybe visit their mother's sister or brother. When you first said grandparents i was like how old are these girls again. I had to scroll back to the begining of the paper to check to see what age their mother was!
I liked your word choice! "zilch, perky, luscious" nicely used! Also I loved your character of Amy. I could picture her sitting there in the pew at your funeral! And another comment would have to be about the sisters, I like how they are so different but yet they seem to have that inseperable bond. I really liked that part!.. Nice story all together!
In the story “A Summer of Love” it seemed that you had so many good ideas but you forgot that it was a short story. I would perhaps maybe next time on slimming it down just a little too a few great ideas. Another thing is add a little more dialogue to the story to get a feel of how the characters in your story react with each other. Last thing I would change is the timing because it seems like you were jumping from summer to end of summer back to the beginning of summer and it made the story a little difficult to read.
Things I liked most about the story was the plot it felt like I could relate to it at this school. I also like the word choices you used in the story to describe the characters feelings. Last thing I liked was the foreshadow you had in the beginning about how he didn’t regret asking her out and then you tied it all together at the end. Overall I thought it was a good story.
Group 4 "Achieved Greatness" I love how the author gives detailed descriptions of the most simple things. I also loved the motivational speech that the coach gave! It was dramatic. I did notice that the coach said to meet her at nine o' clock but later it states that she got up on game day at 10:30, showered, and then had breakfast. Maybe I had misread it, but I was a little confused. The times did not match up. Another thing I noticed was that there was a lot going on in the story. More and more things were added on as I read. Maybe you could have mentioned Owen and soccer in the story earlier to tie it better with the ending. Otherwise, I loved the emotion that was put into this story!
Group 1 “Brazilian War” The story plot was good. The whole changing clothes is a classic, but you changed it up by having his own men finding him that’s good. You might want to describe your character more, and describe more of the days in Brazil.
"The Runaway" This story had an excellent theme behind it which can relate to many different people. I also enjoyed the fact that the student had some nice flaws but he learned his lesson at the end. There were a few grammatical errors but besides that the story seemed to flow pretty well. You also could have given a few more details about your main character. You also could have described some of the other people like his friends and parents.
group 4 "wheels of determination" was an amazing and touching story while not very descript or "short" it did portray the life of john over the years he was in school and showed his ultimate goal which he achived and was very uplifting.
Thank you any who have spoke their thoughts about my story "Boy Troubles." Any suggestions for me they are very appreciated. Thank you charlie and also vanilla*ice. All posted comments for this story will be read.
Intense story! At first I wasn’t sure how I was going to feel about it, but by the 3rd page I couldn’t stop reading. I think the title was absolutely perfect for the story. It was a good short story with an interesting end and leaves you both satisfied and wondering. You could have worded some things a little better. There were some sentences that could have used commas and a few punctuation errors.
Very different and interesting story line. Explain the camp more maybe. Very good speaking parts. Explain and descibe character more. Moves kind of fast. Very good!!
"Broadway Star"-You have a very good story line, but you need to watch your tenses. This story really reminds me of how I have always wanted to become a dancer and I really admire this story because of it. It really connected with me, but I think that it is a little predictable. Great choice of words, but a little confusing with the two different tenses.
This story was good. I found missing punctuation once in awhile. I liked you made the best friend tell the story. Also I liked how you made the characters outside of the social circles.
Group 5 "Unforgettable Night" Great descriptions on the experiances. I like the way the feelings were described. It started sort of slow but by the second page I couldn't stop reading. There were some errors in grammar and sometimes I felt like you were repeating the same things again so maybe change that by describing things in a different way instead of using the same words over and over.
This story was pretty amazing. I am big into romance and how you combined the romance with the conflicts with the parents and the friend drama. This was defiantly a hit for me. I really liked how you described Taylor and Jozie when they where going skinny dipping and his body and hair running in the wind. I thought that you used a lot of good description words and I really liked the title because it wasn’t obvious what the story was about and it made me wonder what she wasn’t expecting and it was cute that everything worked out in the end with Jozie and Taylor. I didn’t really think that there was anything to change and I pretty much liked the whole story. I did wish that there first kiss would have been a little more detailed because it was kind of the spark that started the whole relationship. Otherwise great story!
Very good story! Was a very easy read, and nothing about the story drug on. Kept me interested the entire way through, and i like the chioce of story line. Sad about what happened to Trey, but it was like there was a great moment of reliefe when Brady went to the cemitary. Excellent job!
Group 4 "Wheels of Determination" This was such a heartwarming story. I liked how John came out on top even though everyone else saw him at the bottom. The story does seem a little fast like everything happens in an instant but otherwise it is a good story. Another thing you could have tried would be to make the relationship between John and his father stronger. Maybe you could share pastimes that those two had had together. Overall this was an inspirational story.
Group 5 "Lonesome Wheeler" This was a great story. From the beginning I was interested and wanted to keep reading to find out what John would do. The story and characters were very well described and by the end I felt like I knew John personally. It was also a great ending. There a few errors in grammer and I would maybe have touched a little on how John's life was before the accident.
"The Secret"-Great beginning,very descriptive and easy to get into.The beginning of this story really makes you want to find out what this so called secret is, it really grasps your attention! I actually love this story, the more i read it, the more i get into it. Im not really sure if I am a big fan of the ending, but I loved the story overall. I dont really have any more suggestions, but great job!
In the story “Racers Edge” I must comment on how much you must know about cars just from that description that you gave in the first paragraph. I think it was also cool on how you made the two brothers so much like each other, not many families are so close knit these days. You have a few grammatical errors but they are easily fixed. I think it is a very sentimental story, two brothers competing with the younger being the better driver. The ending I thought was very good as I mentioned you have some errors but other then that great story. Another thing you could improve on is…. Sorry I can’t think of anything else, it was short, descriptive and to the point. Very well written. Nice work. Oh! How about shaping the characters a little more? (I have to say something or else the gilsonater will come down on me.:) Great story, nice work, nice cars!
What does cacophony mean? and resignation? emanated? disrepair? irrepressible? chivalrous? heinous? you can be creative but don't use such big vocabulary words that many people won't understand. Also i didn't like your ending. It was too abrupt. Why did she go back down the ladder? Why did she try to escape without the police seeing her, like running down the hall or sneaking out through the sewer. And one more suggestion would be that Kaylee would have gone home to change after visiting the police station. She went after this guy who robbed her in her nice work suit that she was wearing for an promotional interview with her boss... i wouldn't have went after this guy without changing out of those expensive clothes!
On the other hand, i really liked the plot. I really liked how Kaylee bumped into the guy again and started to follow him. It made me want to read on more. I also liked how she listened to her neighbors fight. Who doesn't eavesdrop everynow and then? And finally i liked how you described the man's window.. it was like oh this is getting interesting. suspense. i like it! i could imagine her crawling into his window! Nice job!
When I was reading this story it really kept me going. Child abuse is something that is really important and I felt really bad for Jason. It kept me going and I really liked that. I also liked the descriptions of how Jason and Tim where alike with there jet black hair and there un-tanned skin. It was really descriptive! I wish that the story would have been a little longer and maybe if his friend hadn’t turned him in so early in the story to make it more suspenseful and move the climax back a little bit. I also liked how you use more complex words like commanded and shuddered before the speaker spoke. Otherwise it was a really good story!
I really like how the story flowed from one event to another. I really liked how you described Jasons feelings toward his dad and made them known. There were some spelling errors. and you couldve maybe gave more reason to why his parents split up. but other than that i thought it was a great story.
I really like the whole story over all! your plot line was very interesting I like the fact that Jeff wanted to help everyone the day he proposed to Laura. Your details on the story were very good! Something’s you could change are some of the wording a bit. At the end I would have added a little more to me it seemed like you ended it so abruptly like , how was the wedding? when did they get married. Also the characters could have described them a little better cuz I didn't get into them that much. Over all it was a good story!
I really liked this story. I think that the ending, was not the ending I was hoping for but over all it was a nice story. You were very descriptive on the characters which were good. In the beginning I wouldn't have said that she died 3 day later but I would have maybe worked it into the next paragraph. The story line was very good! It made me want to continue reading. Suggestions- You could maybe finish the ending better not end it so abrupt. Fix some of the punctuation.
I liked the idea of the story and how it relates to high school students. Some stories I couldn’t really relate to, but I was drawn to the main character. I liked the ending… that was funny. Next time maybe try not to change the narrator. Sometimes your used “him” and sometimes you used “I” that got a little confusing. There were some grammar errors and some misspelled words, but it was a very amusing and up to date, you could say, kind of story.
Wow, very intense and interesting story! The suspence was great. Not really know what to expect made me want to read on. Alot of thought went into this for sure, just wish it was a little longer. The story was great, i think you could had made a awesome ending if we didn't have a page limit.
Group 1 “In Her Father’s Footsteps” I thought it was a great story, although you might want to stick to the same point of view. Other than that, very good story.
I thought this story was amazing I got really into it! i like how u describe everything in great detail. Your dialogue was great also. something’s I would chance are maybe the ending, make it more dramatic, to me it seemed like it just ended with Kaylee being taken into the polices hands, you could have made it more a mystery on what it happening. Maybe some of your sentences could have been worded a little differently. but other than those couple of things I wouldn’t change anything at all, i really liked the story!!
Group 4 "The Dream Gone Wrong" This story has some gramatical errors and shorthand. Make sure you proofread to get out all of the slang like "u" instead of you. I did love how the introduction paragraph is reworked into the conclusionthough, and the story has a good twist. I like the fact that you built up the story to make it look like the two were really meant to be and then spun the reader into the total unexpected opposite. I thought that the descriptions of the charachters at the beginning were a good idea but didn't perfectly flow with the rest of the story. Maybe find a way to work it intot he story and not have the descriptions be so separate. All in all, it was a creative story.
Over all it was alright but its not my cup of tea. It was kind of hard for me to get into it right away but I ended up liking it! Something I would fix is that the story should be finished. you could maybe fix your quotations they weren't always right and you have to make sure that your sentences sound right, for some of them I think you may have put the wrong words down instead of the words u were thinking. I thought the plot line was interesting. I like how the brother were racing against each other and the one that end up losing all the time finally wins was pretty sweet. Racing was a good topic to choice if you like racing. Good story all around
Brazilian War Very good story there is an excellent sense of action filled drama. You could feel the tension in the air during the whole time waiting to see what he is going to do and to see if he makes it. There are a few grammatical errors and there really isn’t a description of Jack. I was kind of disappointed at the ending I want to know what happens. The descriptions of the scenes were incredible I don’t know if it’s all the war movies I have seen but I can vividly imagine it .
Group II "The Runaway" ummm your story kinda jumps around alot its kind of hard to follow so if you could make your story flow a little bit better it would make your story twice as good as it is now.I think you should have introduced the name of your character a little bit earlier you dont mention his name untill like the third or fourth paragraph. Also you should probably try to lead into your story a little bit more give a little bit more background information before you jump into the heart of your story. I like that you used alot of dialoge in your story it made it interesting. You puntuation was also pretty solid for all of the dialoge you used there were a few mistakes but overall a good job. It was also cool that you had a lesson learned at the end of your story.
group 4 "dark sister" was a very interesting story, it was suspenseful and got attention quick. though it seemed rather quick and focused only on one theme and didnt go too much into detail of the characters, which kind of left me feeling odd. still a good story even though its sad.
"In Her Father's Footsteps"-great great story! I loved the beginning, it was sad but very good and very detailed. I loved the part about the grandfather finding out, but I think that your ending is kind of unoriginal. I would have liked to here a little more detail about the friends at the end, but it was still a pretty good ending. Great job!
Group 4 "Unforgettable Night" I like in this story how the author used personification when talking about the LSD monster. It was a new creative way to look at that. In this story you might want to create more characters rather than talking about people that you know or about personal experience. There were a few grammatical errors that could have been fixed but otherwise this is a crazy story and I hope that nothing like this ever happens to me.
One thing WOW this story was incredible mind boggling and very descriptive. I love the suspense in the story how you created this piece is beyond my mind I felt as if I was in the story and watching this all happen. I could see this in my mind as I read every descriptive word. There was a few spelling errors but that’s it. Love the story’s ending I hope in the future I will find out what happened to the children and where the dad is buried also what happens to the mom and stepfather. Very good once again.
I really liked the name Summer its really cute and fits her. I did like the story line about her being a minor and wanting to be a dancer. She seemed very determined and made me kept reading. I was kind of confused when you would say her and my in the same sentence. The swearing really brought anger in the story and made it more real. Just watch some grammar and spelling because sometimes it gets confusing but good dialogue. Great story though!
Group 4 "The Secret" This story was amazing!! I was glued into it all the way until the end. I just wanted to read more and more! Also, the ending is so dramatic. I think that's what made the story so exciting. Even though I loved this story, I almost wanted it to go on to find out if the children got away or not. I like the way that the author did it, but maybe you could have had the two siblings have a bad realtionship. They maybe didn't get along all that well and this was something that finally made the two set aside their differences and come together. A great read overall!
well first it was kinda hard to fallow. you jumped around alot. Also when she was saying goodbye it was kinda hard to tell who she was talking to. i liked when you said about "shoving clowns in a car" that really showed how gammed packed the car was. I also thought it was good how you described all the sights on the trip really good. over all it was a really good story.
I liked the begging a lot. You described the setting extremely well so that I could really get a feel for what was going on. I really sympathized with the main character too. I felt bad for her and I wanted her friends to stop being butt holes when they hung up on her. I like the different word choice and the comparisons throughout the entire story. The ending was cute but somewhat predictable. I felt like there should have been something else there. Maybe try to shake things up. A happy ending is always nice but it can be boring sometimes too.
Over all I really liked your story. I felt kinda bad though when Jack got shot cuz he didn't know what to say. And I thought "holy shizzle!" when they fired at the little shark and then shots were fired at the guys. Reminded me of a movie but i can't remember which one... and i also liked how Jack played dead when the brazilian army guy came but killed him when he wasn't looking.
-Suggestions- I couldn't really see what Jack looked like. You didn't really describe him in your story so i sorta made up my own character which kinda takes away from your story. Add some details about him in the part where his mom felt so proud. example "the same time looked proud. Their little boy had grown into a muscular, 6 foot, 279 pound patriotic man." Also could add more in when jane hugs him. Another thing that could spice up your story would be to maybe describe the nine men left. They were the only ones that could help jack and yet I didn't know if they were all men or if they were all brain or braun. One more suggestion would be to elaborate a little more about the basic camp. Personally i always wondered what it would be like to live at one of them otherwise good job!
"Wheels of Determination"-Great story! It is very sentimental and really easy to get into. Towards the middle it got a little lengthy, but it was a great story. Watch some of the dialogue but other than that, I love your story!
A Night to Remember This story can be related to a lot of kids in high school which is excellent. I wish there was a little bit more of a description of Andrea and maybe some of the scenes around her during the story. I also really enjoyed the type of intense dislike Andrea had for Trisha because this way she isn’t friends with everyone, which would really take away from the reality of high school. Another thing you could add is some dialog to the story; this will liven up the story and add some character to the people in it. That will show some of the characters’ feelings so you can better understand them.
In her Father’s Footsteps This story has an excellent plotline and the beginning is very well written even though it is sad. You probably should have used a different word than squeaked for those two dialog sections, it doesn’t seem to fit how the characters would talk in my opinion. I would suggest using mumbled or compassionately stated. Also when I think of Army training I don’t think of “practice” I think more of physical training or other words. But overall this story was very well put together, it was an excellent idea for a plotline including a girl instead of a boy to carry on father’s footsteps.
Suggestions watch some of your tenses. It is very confusing when it says she and then my in the same sentence. But good story line. Some harsh words but they were good detail words. I liked the story overall just make sure to stick to once tense. It is sad that her mother didn’t come so that she could peruse her dream.
Group 1 “The Night to Remember” I don’t really like stories like these but this one was good. I might describe some of your characters better but for the most part it was good.
“Clues to Goodbye” was probably one of the best short stories I’ve read in awhile. I loved how you described the character, set the plot up, and the flow was amazing. Overall I would give this a 10 out of 10. Only thing I could maybe help with is work on the ending a little more it was good but I think it could be a little stronger. Other then that great work and keep writing.
Group 3 “Broadway Star” I thought it had some good things that I liked. The first thing was the story plot, it flew well and I understood it. Second I liked the ending of the story, it was like a twist I never thought that that was going to happen. Third the story reminded me of a friend I have and her dreams, but I just hope she doesn’t make the same mistakes as Summer. Some things you should do is have someone revise and edit your story you had your tenses off a little. Also work on maybe a little better characterization with the main character. Finally I would work on the middle section to make it a little strong because it seemed like at points the story was starting to die down.
Cruise -Group 1 I liked the story and the plot but and I felt like I was in the story which really helped me better understand what you were thinking, so kudos to you. If I were you I would have put some more details in about your characters, but you still did a very good job. I also think more details of what happened. I also like how Jeff wanted to help everyone out which makes him seem the hero or whatever you want him to be. Some thing that I would have changed was maybe make the ending a little more gradual not let it end so abruptly, but on the other hand that could keep the audience thinking and keep them on the edge and let them figure it out.
She wasn't expecting a thing this summer ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -You gave very good background info -You kinda messed up on when people were talking -Song name is incorrectly written
In the beginging it was realy hard to fallow what was actually going on. There were also a cuple spelling problems to. I really liked how you described the characters fully. Also how you described everyones feelings toward one another and were they worked. The story made me keep going it was full of suspense.
“Dark Sister”-Your story was very interesting. I liked that it was shorter, but still full of excitement. I think that you should have told us a little more detail about the main character and the setting. Your introduction was okay, but I would have added a little more detail on where the mansion was and what the mansion looked like. Again it was a good story, just maybe add a little more detail it.
Group 1 “The Runaway” This story is really good although you did switch to and from 1st person. You might want to describe your characters more. Other than that it was a good story.
"Her dad had warned her that once they were finally separated that things would change, but she didn’t think that her social life would change too." i really like that you but that in because it really makes the reader want to keep reading to find out what you ment by it. you also described the setting very well in the first half.
I really like the story because it could really happen to anyone and it is really true.i also loved how at the end you described what happend to all the characters.
It was jumpy at times and some things were punctuated wrong.
Wow that sounds scary and I hope that never happens to the person again. There were some spelling errors but other wise it kept me interested the whole time and I was able to follow it very well. Good job
Very very good begining sounds very professional. I like how u tell alot of background information. I like how u describe the car but u might want to describe the charettors more. I think it jumps to fast into the story and there should be more suspence. Very good detail and description. Very powerful ending. Some of the wording is a little confusing.
I really liked the plot of this story and how you made Kaylee bump into that guy again which made me more interested in reading this story and it made me keep reading it. I think you had some words in there that were a little confusing and made people shy away from the story because they couldn’t understand it. I also liked the part when she was crawling into his window. This part of the story really put me on the edge and kept it exciting as ever I thought your ending was a little blah but it was still good. Nice Job
Group 4 "Clues to Goodbye" I really liked your story!! I could almost imagine watching it as a movie in my room! Very nice plot line!! I also liked how Brady followed his hunch and went after Charolette. Most guys are pretty lazy and would have sent it by snail mail to her! Another thing I liked about your story was when you described your setting! Personally i love sunsets/sunrises, and when you said "As the sun rose over the trees, it gleaned and sparkled on the dew droplets covering the ground" I could almost imagine sitting on the grass with Brady looking at Trey's tombstone. Nicely done!! A few suggestions would be to describe Brady a little more. I knew he was old but i wasn't sure how old... old with gray hair and a shiny bald spot or old as in you could see a few gray hairs sticking out through his thinning auburn hair? a little more character sketch there would be nice. Another suggestion would be that instead of finding an ipod, he should have found like her purse or something more valueable. I know that a lot of old people like my grandpa doesn't even know what an ipod is much less know what its called lol... maybe he finds a cell phone? but an ipod isn't a bad thing either... One last suggestion would be when Brady meets the little boy who is "no more than 7 years old" and Brady asks the boy if he knew Charolette. It bothered me because how many little kids actually remember people that they barely knew. Here is some little boy playing with his toys and he actually remembers Charolette's name much less the apartment she lived in?? kinda wierd.. maybe Brady could have just seen her name on one of the buzzers by the door where it lists who all lives in the apartment instead. Otherwise i really liked your story and can't complain! :)
I thought that there were many good details such as in the following sentence: ‘Melody looked up and saw one tear trickle down her mother’s rosy cheek.’ The plot was exceptionally good with a young woman trying to honor her father by treading the same path that he did and wishing to make him proud by serving her country and its citizens. I also liked watching the character grow and evolve as a person and human being as the story progressed. Another check for possible revisions would have been a good idea as there were several errors in the areas of spelling and punctuation usage. Overall, it was an excellent story and I enjoyed reading it immensely.
Group 4 "Unforgetable night almost done" Great suspense story. You did a really great jobs with comparing how you were feeling to everyday things, which really helped me to understand what is was like.I also like your choice of story very different from they typical ones. My only suggestions are that you have someone else proofread your story, and check for spelling and grammar errors. I also would com up with actual character names and not the names of some of your close frinds.
Good story! Was thought out very well, and things tied together great. Nothing left hanging, or questions unanswered. The begining had me just a little confused, but i wouldn't say it is anything to worry about. I do like the desription of how she made her way to New York by train, hitchhiking etc.
Group 4 The dream gone wrong was a well written story with good descriptions of the 2 main characters and their relationship, although there was some slang and grammatical errors. Other than that it was a nice but sad story.
“Racers Edge” Love the story line. You might want to explain more about how it felt and some people may not know what those car words are. But very good over all I love the story line. Very interesting on how they were so close and he had is secret on how to win.
“The Secret” was just an outstanding story. It had me on the edge of my chair pretty much the whole time. I love how you described the house, vehicles, and everything else. You had a great rise of action and climax. I also liked the word choices you used instead of just saying said and other easy words. Also I loved the name of the main character. I was just a little disappointed with the ending how you just ended it like that, but I guess it had to be done. Besides that it was a great story it seemed like it had been checked over well because all the punctuation was correct.
Group 4 "Wheels of Determination" I really enjoyed your story. I loved the ending, how the tables turned and Peter was the one who began the applause. I also liked how you began right from John coming out of his coma and how Mike and John were so close. I would maybe habe someone read over your story because I found a few splling and grammar errors. I would also make the climax, where Mike has Jon try to walk and he finally does it to be a bigger deal and elaborate more on that. I would also at the end say some specific things that John had done after high school. All n all wonderful story!!
Your story was truly heart-felt. I definately felt bad for John. I liked how you had Peter be the one who started clapping. It showed that Peter had respect for John because he overcame his disability. I also liked how John had overcome his disability, and only in a year and a half! Awesome! I was waiting for him stumble his second time he had to walk to the wall for his therapist though. It was also hard to believe that both men were crying. i could tell that it was an emotional time but you didn't describe it very well. Another suggestions would be to describe where his scar was. I kept wondering where it was and you never brought it up in your story. Maybe show why the scar was important and where it was. Nice story otherwise...
I thought that you got to know the protagonist pretty well and you definitely got an idea as to what kind of person he was. However, I do believe that there was a lack of definitive supporting characters and this led to a significant reduction in the amount of dialogue present in the story. The plot was very radical because I never would have dreamed of the day that we would invade the country of Brazil. So I commend your creativity and ability to weave a unique yarn. I did see an exorbitant number of run-ons throughout the narrative and I would advise that you shorten such lengthy sentences in the future so as to give the story a better flow. Finally, I would like to state that I found the conclusion to be slightly confusing and I was not able to grasp whether or not the protagonist was executed by the soldiers. Overall, it was a satisfactory short story.
I thought that it was a well-written story, if not exactly original in nature. The dialogue that was implemented was excellent and very authentic for the specific situations that were being faced. The protagonist was well-designed because even though you don’t learn much about him personally or even delve into a great deal of his personality, you find yourself feeling sympathetic to what he is experiencing. I would have appreciated a lengthier sequence for when he was attempting to run away from home and sneak across the border into Arizona. I enjoyed reading a story that attempts to teach the reader a lesson about life. In my opinion, that is what makes this particular short story likable to those who read it.
Group 4 “Dark Sister” I really liked the idea of your story. I liked how there was not an outside stranger who was the “bad guy.” I think that this really hit people that there are families like this, ones that do not know each other as much as they thought. You also used really good description, I felt like I was right there in the house. A suggestion would be not to assume or let it known that the villain is the sister so fast. Build up some suspense, and really pull the reader in. Maybe drop hints that it could be the sister, and keep pushing it off. Finally just have a friend read your story over for any grammar or spelling issues. Great story idea!!
Group 4 “The Dream gone Wrong” I really enjoyed how suspenseful your story was. Those are my favorite kinds. You did an excellent job at holding my interests, I wanted to know what was going to happen. One thing you have to do is really watch your spelling and grammar. Make sure that you write(type) out all of your words, and not use shortcuts. I know that those are easy to fall into once you get on a roll with typing. The other thing is I would maybe rework the description of the characters in the beginning and make sure that they stay they same person throughout. Some minor fixes and this story can be a real winner!!
111 comments:
8th hour is my favorite class!
Group 1
Well i don't no what to think on this story. It isnt really finished so i can't really blog like i wanted to. I liked the storyline and the way it was going to turn out but you didnt finish it or i didnt think it was finished . Anyways i really liked it but maybee more details and maybee get a little more descriptive with the cars, and you didnt deascribe the physical characteristics of the people or anything.
Group 2
In the story “Scarred for his life” I thought it was a great continuation of the writing prompt. I really loved the description that was given for Jason, and I thought that his friend did the right thing with contacting the teachers immediately. I would say though that I thought the ending was a little abrupt and could have told a little more. Given a little description on how his father seemed to take the divorce hard or why his parents even got the divorce. Other than that I thought it was a great story and if it is told from experience, whoever “Christian” was did the right thing.
Group 2
"Scarred for his Life"
Few grammer errors. Very good begining. Good background information. The talking parts seem to be inturupted. Some parts seem to move to fast withiout much explanation. Overall very good story line. The story seems to move very fast and not much of an ending. Great Job!
Group 3
"A Summer of Love"
I did like the story alot. The beginning was very intertesting and did keep me interested enough I wanted to read on. Great story line, but ending was a little abrupt. Very understanding though, i can see they where getting to the end and still had a long way to go. Conisdering the amount of pages we could had it was the only choice or redo the story.
Group 5
"Achieving Greatness"
I really liked this story. I thought that it was well written and had a good message in it. It is a storyline that the average person can relate to. The characters and the relationships between them were believable and easy to understand.
To make the story even better, maybe tie the death of the main character's dog into the story more. It felt like that part of the story was going fine, but then at the end wasn't as strong. Also maybe elaborate more on the relationship between her and her mother more. But overall this was a very good story.
Good job 8th hour! Make sure to include 3 compliments and 3 suggestions for each story. Your group number needs to be the heading.
Group 2
Tracks to Freedom
I thought that the story was very suspenseful at times and I kept me going. I liked when you where talking about hiding and watching the men get shot. I seemed like who ever wrote this really put a lot of time into writing this. I also really liked the creativity in the names like Jeb and Manny. They where names I would never think of but they fit there description working on the railroads and such. Something that kind-of confused me a bit was some of the randomness in the writing like when you wrote…
Jeb replied, “Mr. Element let them go! He said he had no proof when everything was in front of him.”
I didn’t know where it was coming from or who he was talking to. I didn’t really get it but maybe it was just and error I had in the reading. But otherwise it was a good story and kept me going until the end!
ok
Group 1
“Boy Troubles”
This story was good. I’m glad at the end you mentioned that Chad was not a stalker. I would suggest that you have more to it, don’t just end it so abruptly. You might want to describe the characters a little more.
Group 2
I love the use of the past in the story “Tracks to Freedom”. You must have had to do a little of research just to write this. Very interesting names I must add. Next time you could try to add a little more description, like when you are talking about watching them scurry across the sand, you could have said something like the burning waves of sand. Just try to make it a little more dramatic. I did find it a little hard to follow it maybe next time try to stay in more or less the same place, like camp. Other then that great job! You must have worked really hard.
Group 3
“Clues to Goodbye”
well this story was very well written. There were some parts that were confusing but I reread them and now the story is great. One suggestion is to have the flashback not so abrupt. I love the fact that he went searching for her and then he ended up back at Trey’s grave.
One other thing you could tie up who Charolette was and how did she know Trey and Brady
But very good story. The ending was very sweet.
Group 1
"Cruise"
I liked the overall story. The plot seemed real and I liked the fact that Jeff wanted to save the others instead of turning around and running for his life with Laura. I liked the action parts as well. They had very nice descriptions and I felt as though i was one of the hostages in the room.
A few suggestions would be to paint a better picture of your character. I couldn't really picture a person but a stick figure instead. A little character sketch could clear that right up though! Also add what happened after the robber was shot. Did he fall down? Did he look at his bloddy hand which covered his body where the bullet had punctured him? A tad bit more details would definately add more spice and give more to your story! nice work :)
Group 5- "racers edge"
SUGESTIONS
-Finish the story
-Not so much wasted space
-Fix quotations
COMMENTS
-good story line
-very interesting
-Good
Group 4
On "Dark Sister"
I think that the storyline is good but at times there are some confusing parts on who is speaking and from whose point of view the story is being told from. Maybe try to give more background of the members of the family. They are mentioned once in a while but we don't know who is doing the actions. I also like how the climax is held off to create a suspense making the reader want to read on and find out what Kaylee had done that was so horrible. You might want to lead more into the punishment that Kaylee recieved. It seems a little abrupt. The dramitic ending adds a little twist as well.
Group 3
"Clues to Goodbye"-Awesome story! I loved it from beginning to end. Great transitions and adjectives. The conclusive paragraph was very good, very touching and I sort of wished that the story could have went on. One thing that I noticed was that the year on the ipod was different fromt the year on the gravestone and it was sort of confusing, just make sure that you keep dates corresponding. Overall I thought it was a great story and I dont really have many other suggestions other than keep the dates corresponding!
Group 5
"Dark Sister"
The storyline was good, but hard to follow. I didn't really know who was narrating because the narrator seemed to switch half way through and then switched back. So maybe descirbe who the marrator is. Maybe make the story flow more, because sometimes it felt too choppy.
group 4
"achiveing greatness"
was an exelently written story. i really liked how the writer discribed every detail of what was going on with haily and how the dialouge flowed. it also had vivid vocabulary and i liked the few onomotopeas in it.
Group 1
Racer's Edge
The story seemed to flow nicely at first but then it suddenly ended. Maybe try to end the story with the championship race and the brothers could tie or someone else could win. I liked how you described the race season with each race the brothers were getting better. Another suggestion would be to describe your character. You could do this in the beginning when he is looking at the picture of his family. Also I liked the part where Mark explains to Mike how he beat the racer's edge... It made me smirk a little. :) Nice story but fix the ending so it ends a little smoother instead of so abrupt.
group 4
"Unforgetable night"
was a good story with an interesting theme, i liked the description of what the narrator was experianceing and they had exelent word choice to describe what its like. there were a few grammatical errors and wrong spellings of similar words but otherwise a good story.
Group 3
"Espionage"-You have a great beginning, it's very detailed. Some of the words you chose are strong and really bring the peice together. The choice of setting was great but maybe describe it a little more. You didnt really describe the character's physical features but I good job on showing his personality. It's a little lengthy in some parts and almost becomes boring but I did like the story a lot. I love how you brought a sort of fantasy-like theme to the story. Just watch the length!
Group 1
"Boy Troubles"
I like the fact that the pretty girl went for the odd man out. It was interesting how at fist she didn’t even want to sit with him on the bus, but later she ends up falling for him. I think that some events in the story happened abruptly. You could have smoothed your way into the fight with her ex boyfriend a little bit better. I really liked the end of the story. It doesn’t just end but it doesn’t drag on. Nicely done!
Group 2
Third World Country
I thought that this story had some very good specific descriptions and analogy’s like when you talked about the car being pack with 12 clowns and I also like the description of the Sucio River. It was obviously a beautiful river and the way you described it made it sound just as pretty as it probably looked when you where there. I was kind of confused a little bit when Clif came in there probably could have been a little bit of more of a description because I wasn’t sure if he was a boyfriend or a brother or what until they kissed and all that and then it was pretty obvious. I also liked that you put those breaks in the page because when totally new conversations it made it much easier to follow otherwise I would have been pretty lost. I also think that sometimes you should put who is talking in the beginning of the quote more so that it is easier to tell who is talking especially the part where the dad and cliff are in the same conversations because it made me a little confused. But otherwise it was a very good story!
Group 2
(sorry its a long one.)
In the story “Crime Doesn’t Pay” I love your description, it was so detailed I really could feel and see what the main character Kaylee Lamont was seeing. The action with the mugging was a great touch to add when talking about a female living in the city. Nice work. It could do with a little more dialogue then it had. Also not all people know what all of the large words you have used mean. Try to dumb it down a little bit. :) another thing is when you describe the thief getting shot it would help to say something like ‘standing in shock it seemed like eternity before the thief collapsed, pouring blood from the hole she had inflicted’ just make it seem that it did take a little longer for the person to die. Plus Kaylee must have been scared at what she had done. I also think that the ending was really twisted, the poor girl was going to an interview and end up getting carted away. Other then that I really liked your story and think you did a great job of describing it as you did. Nice work:)
Group 2
"She wasnt expecting a thing that summer"
First off i like how u gave background information. i also liked that u separated the different sectoins. Start a new paragraph when a new person talks. A little confusing on who is telling the story tht whoe time. Song name is punctuated wrong. Maybe describe the charector more. Story moves kind of fast and choppy like. Ilove how the ending tells what happened to allthe characters.
Group 5
"The Dream Gone Wrong"
I liked the plot of this story. The characters were described well and the dialogue was great. At times though I felt like I was being told about someone's day, not that I reading a short story. To solve this, maybe try not to write like it is your conversation. Also sometimes I forgot that the woman was in her mid twenties because her actions made it feel like she was in high school. Overall though I thought this was a great story.
Group 3
“A Summer of Love”
Very good story. One thing that I didn’t understand was that Kyle played football and played in band during halftime. Is that possible?
Very good description words, along with the setting.
Another thing is that I was a little confused on some parts try and read out loud your story.
But I loved the ending them getting married when they were high school sweethearts.
Group 3
"Summer of Love"-Your story was very sentimental and it had a good start to it. I liked the romance part of it a lot, but I think that a little bit of it was sort of cheezy. Good story overall, especially during homecoming. About midway through it was a little bit confusing, but it definitely regained itself towards the end. The end was pretty good, but I think I would have taken out the first two sentences of the conclusive paragraph because it is almost a little confusing. I really did love the story and I hope to read another one of yours!
Group 2
"Boy Troubles"
The story overall was good i liked the setting in school it was realistic to a high school love story and what can happen. A suggestion, that would be easy to correct, just read the story aloud there are a few word mistakes that i could pick out that would stick out like a sore thumb if read aloud. Another would be to describe you character physical and metally, what she looks like and what her personality is. One last suggestion was to maybe go into a little more detail on the ending what happened to the two the ex-boyfriend and what ended up happening with chad and jennie. Other than those suggestions i would compliment you on keeping the story flowing its an easy reader. Your not sure whats going to happen it could take a turn for the worst or turn out like a cinderella story you keep the reader guessing.
Group 1
Road Trip From Above
When I first started to read the story, i saw a lot of I... "I was, I have, Ihad, I found" Try using a different words or rearranging your sentances a little. "Once a middle school teacher, but now resigned due to lung cancer."
When you first mention the second husband, I had no idea what he looked like! and you didn't mention his name till the last sentance so i was like who's mark? Add a little more detail about him and what made him a much better father than Will ever would have been and that could clear some things up.
One more suggestion.. Instead of visiting the grandparents who probably would be dead, they should maybe visit their mother's sister or brother. When you first said grandparents i was like how old are these girls again. I had to scroll back to the begining of the paper to check to see what age their mother was!
I liked your word choice! "zilch, perky, luscious" nicely used!
Also I loved your character of Amy. I could picture her sitting there in the pew at your funeral!
And another comment would have to be about the sisters, I like how they are so different but yet they seem to have that inseperable bond. I really liked that part!.. Nice story all together!
Group 3
In the story “A Summer of Love” it seemed that you had so many good ideas but you forgot that it was a short story. I would perhaps maybe next time on slimming it down just a little too a few great ideas. Another thing is add a little more dialogue to the story to get a feel of how the characters in your story react with each other. Last thing I would change is the timing because it seems like you were jumping from summer to end of summer back to the beginning of summer and it made the story a little difficult to read.
Things I liked most about the story was the plot it felt like I could relate to it at this school. I also like the word choices you used in the story to describe the characters feelings. Last thing I liked was the foreshadow you had in the beginning about how he didn’t regret asking her out and then you tied it all together at the end. Overall I thought it was a good story.
Group 4
"Achieved Greatness"
I love how the author gives detailed descriptions of the most simple things. I also loved the motivational speech that the coach gave! It was dramatic. I did notice that the coach said to meet her at nine o' clock but later it states that she got up on game day at 10:30, showered, and then had breakfast. Maybe I had misread it, but I was a little confused. The times did not match up. Another thing I noticed was that there was a lot going on in the story. More and more things were added on as I read. Maybe you could have mentioned Owen and soccer in the story earlier to tie it better with the ending. Otherwise, I loved the emotion that was put into this story!
Group 1
“Brazilian War”
The story plot was good. The whole changing clothes is a classic, but you changed it up by having his own men finding him that’s good. You might want to describe your character more, and describe more of the days in Brazil.
Group 1
"The Runaway"
This story had an excellent theme behind it which can relate to many different people. I also enjoyed the fact that the student had some nice flaws but he learned his lesson at the end. There were a few grammatical errors but besides that the story seemed to flow pretty well. You also could have given a few more details about your main character. You also could have described some of the other people like his friends and parents.
group 4
"wheels of determination"
was an amazing and touching story while not very descript or "short" it did portray the life of john over the years he was in school and showed his ultimate goal which he achived and was very uplifting.
Thank you any who have spoke their thoughts about my story "Boy Troubles." Any suggestions for me they are very appreciated. Thank you charlie and also vanilla*ice. All posted comments for this story will be read.
Thank You :)
Group 1
“War Amongst Their Own”
Intense story! At first I wasn’t sure how I was going to feel about it, but by the 3rd page I couldn’t stop reading. I think the title was absolutely perfect for the story. It was a good short story with an interesting end and leaves you both satisfied and wondering. You could have worded some things a little better. There were some sentences that could have used commas and a few punctuation errors.
Group 2
"Tracks to Freedom"
Very different and interesting story line. Explain the camp more maybe. Very good speaking parts. Explain and descibe character more. Moves kind of fast. Very good!!
Group 3
"Broadway Star"-You have a very good story line, but you need to watch your tenses. This story really reminds me of how I have always wanted to become a dancer and I really admire this story because of it. It really connected with me, but I think that it is a little predictable. Great choice of words, but a little confusing with the two different tenses.
Group 1
“The Dirt Road to Happiness”
This story was good. I found missing punctuation once in awhile. I liked you made the best friend tell the story. Also I liked how you made the characters outside of the social circles.
Group 5
"Unforgettable Night"
Great descriptions on the experiances. I like the way the feelings were described. It started sort of slow but by the second page I couldn't stop reading. There were some errors in grammar and sometimes I felt like you were repeating the same things again so maybe change that by describing things in a different way instead of using the same words over and over.
Group 2
She Wasn’t Expecting a Thing that Summer
This story was pretty amazing. I am big into romance and how you combined the romance with the conflicts with the parents and the friend drama. This was defiantly a hit for me. I really liked how you described Taylor and Jozie when they where going skinny dipping and his body and hair running in the wind. I thought that you used a lot of good description words and I really liked the title because it wasn’t obvious what the story was about and it made me wonder what she wasn’t expecting and it was cute that everything worked out in the end with Jozie and Taylor. I didn’t really think that there was anything to change and I pretty much liked the whole story. I did wish that there first kiss would have been a little more detailed because it was kind of the spark that started the whole relationship. Otherwise great story!
Group 3
"Clues to Goodbye"
Very good story! Was a very easy read, and nothing about the story drug on. Kept me interested the entire way through, and i like the chioce of story line. Sad about what happened to Trey, but it was like there was a great moment of reliefe when Brady went to the cemitary. Excellent job!
Group 4
"Wheels of Determination"
This was such a heartwarming story. I liked how John came out on top even though everyone else saw him at the bottom. The story does seem a little fast like everything happens in an instant but otherwise it is a good story. Another thing you could have tried would be to make the relationship between John and his father stronger. Maybe you could share pastimes that those two had had together. Overall this was an inspirational story.
Group 5
"Lonesome Wheeler"
This was a great story. From the beginning I was interested and wanted to keep reading to find out what John would do. The story and characters were very well described and by the end I felt like I knew John personally. It was also a great ending.
There a few errors in grammer and I would maybe have touched a little on how John's life was before the accident.
Group 3
"The Secret"-Great beginning,very descriptive and easy to get into.The beginning of this story really makes you want to find out what this so called secret is, it really grasps your attention! I actually love this story, the more i read it, the more i get into it. Im not really sure if I am a big fan of the ending, but I loved the story overall. I dont really have any more suggestions, but great job!
Group 2
"Tracks to Freedom"
well writen story. maybe describe the characters alittle more. overall very nice.
Group 2
In the story “Racers Edge” I must comment on how much you must know about cars just from that description that you gave in the first paragraph. I think it was also cool on how you made the two brothers so much like each other, not many families are so close knit these days. You have a few grammatical errors but they are easily fixed. I think it is a very sentimental story, two brothers competing with the younger being the better driver. The ending I thought was very good as I mentioned you have some errors but other then that great story. Another thing you could improve on is…. Sorry I can’t think of anything else, it was short, descriptive and to the point. Very well written. Nice work. Oh! How about shaping the characters a little more? (I have to say something or else the gilsonater will come down on me.:) Great story, nice work, nice cars!
Group 1
"Crime Doesn't Pay"
What does cacophony mean? and resignation? emanated? disrepair? irrepressible? chivalrous? heinous? you can be creative but don't use such big vocabulary words that many people won't understand. Also i didn't like your ending. It was too abrupt. Why did she go back down the ladder? Why did she try to escape without the police seeing her, like running down the hall or sneaking out through the sewer. And one more suggestion would be that Kaylee would have gone home to change after visiting the police station. She went after this guy who robbed her in her nice work suit that she was wearing for an promotional interview with her boss... i wouldn't have went after this guy without changing out of those expensive clothes!
On the other hand, i really liked the plot. I really liked how Kaylee bumped into the guy again and started to follow him. It made me want to read on more.
I also liked how she listened to her neighbors fight. Who doesn't eavesdrop everynow and then?
And finally i liked how you described the man's window.. it was like oh this is getting interesting. suspense. i like it! i could imagine her crawling into his window! Nice job!
Group 2
Scarred for Life
When I was reading this story it really kept me going. Child abuse is something that is really important and I felt really bad for Jason. It kept me going and I really liked that. I also liked the descriptions of how Jason and Tim where alike with there jet black hair and there un-tanned skin. It was really descriptive! I wish that the story would have been a little longer and maybe if his friend hadn’t turned him in so early in the story to make it more suspenseful and move the climax back a little bit. I also liked how you use more complex words like commanded and shuddered before the speaker spoke. Otherwise it was a really good story!
Group 2
"Scarred for his life"
I really like how the story flowed from one event to another. I really liked how you described Jasons feelings toward his dad and made them known. There were some spelling errors. and you couldve maybe gave more reason to why his parents split up. but other than that i thought it was a great story.
Group 5
"Cruise"
I really like the whole story over all! your plot line was very interesting I like the fact that Jeff wanted to help everyone the day he proposed to Laura. Your details on the story were very good!
Something’s you could change are some of the wording a bit.
At the end I would have added a little more to me it seemed like you ended it so abruptly like , how was the wedding? when did they get married.
Also the characters could have described them a little better cuz I didn't get into them that much.
Over all it was a good story!
Group 5
"Road Trip From Above"
I really liked this story. I think that the ending, was not the ending I was hoping for but over all it was a nice story. You were very descriptive on the characters which were good. In the beginning I wouldn't have said that she died 3 day later but I would have maybe worked it into the next paragraph. The story line was very good! It made me want to continue reading.
Suggestions-
You could maybe finish the ending better not end it so abrupt.
Fix some of the punctuation.
Group 1
“The Runaway”
I liked the idea of the story and how it relates to high school students. Some stories I couldn’t really relate to, but I was drawn to the main character. I liked the ending… that was funny. Next time maybe try not to change the narrator. Sometimes your used “him” and sometimes you used “I” that got a little confusing. There were some grammar errors and some misspelled words, but it was a very amusing and up to date, you could say, kind of story.
Group 3
"The Secret"
Wow, very intense and interesting story! The suspence was great. Not really know what to expect made me want to read on. Alot of thought went into this for sure, just wish it was a little longer. The story was great, i think you could had made a awesome ending if we didn't have a page limit.
Group 1
“In Her Father’s Footsteps”
I thought it was a great story, although you might want to stick to the same point of view. Other than that, very good story.
Group 5
"Crime Doesn't Pay"
I thought this story was amazing I got really into it! i like how u describe everything in great detail. Your dialogue was great also. something’s I would chance are maybe the ending, make it more dramatic, to me it seemed like it just ended with Kaylee being taken into the polices hands, you could have made it more a mystery on what it happening. Maybe some of your sentences could have been worded a little differently. but other than those couple of things I wouldn’t change anything at all, i really liked the story!!
Group 4
"The Dream Gone Wrong"
This story has some gramatical errors and shorthand. Make sure you proofread to get out all of the slang like "u" instead of you. I did love how the introduction paragraph is reworked into the conclusionthough, and the story has a good twist. I like the fact that you built up the story to make it look like the two were really meant to be and then spun the reader into the total unexpected opposite. I thought that the descriptions of the charachters at the beginning were a good idea but didn't perfectly flow with the rest of the story. Maybe find a way to work it intot he story and not have the descriptions be so separate. All in all, it was a creative story.
Group 5
"Racer's Edge"
Over all it was alright but its not my cup of tea. It was kind of hard for me to get into it right away but I ended up liking it! Something I would fix is that the story should be finished. you could maybe fix your quotations they weren't always right and you have to make sure that your sentences sound right, for some of them I think you may have put the wrong words down instead of the words u were thinking. I thought the plot line was interesting. I like how the brother were racing against each other and the one that end up losing all the time finally wins was pretty sweet. Racing was a good topic to choice if you like racing. Good story all around
Group 1
Brazilian War
Very good story there is an excellent sense of action filled drama. You could feel the tension in the air during the whole time waiting to see what he is going to do and to see if he makes it. There are a few grammatical errors and there really isn’t a description of Jack. I was kind of disappointed at the ending I want to know what happens. The descriptions of the scenes were incredible I don’t know if it’s all the war movies I have seen but I can vividly imagine it .
Group II
"The Runaway"
ummm your story kinda jumps around alot its kind of hard to follow so if you could make your story flow a little bit better it would make your story twice as good as it is now.I think you should have introduced the name of your character a little bit earlier you dont mention his name untill like the third or fourth paragraph. Also you should probably try to lead into your story a little bit more give a little bit more background information before you jump into the heart of your story. I like that you used alot of dialoge in your story it made it interesting. You puntuation was also pretty solid for all of the dialoge you used there were a few mistakes but overall a good job. It was also cool that you had a lesson learned at the end of your story.
group 4
"dark sister" was a very interesting story, it was suspenseful and got attention quick. though it seemed rather quick and focused only on one theme and didnt go too much into detail of the characters, which kind of left me feeling odd. still a good story even though its sad.
Group 3
"In Her Father's Footsteps"-great great story! I loved the beginning, it was sad but very good and very detailed. I loved the part about the grandfather finding out, but I think that your ending is kind of unoriginal. I would have liked to here a little more detail about the friends at the end, but it was still a pretty good ending. Great job!
Group 4
"Unforgettable Night"
I like in this story how the author used personification when talking about the LSD monster. It was a new creative way to look at that. In this story you might want to create more characters rather than talking about people that you know or about personal experience. There were a few grammatical errors that could have been fixed but otherwise this is a crazy story and I hope that nothing like this ever happens to me.
Group 3
“The Secret”
One thing WOW this story was incredible mind boggling and very descriptive. I love the suspense in the story how you created this piece is beyond my mind I felt as if I was in the story and watching this all happen. I could see this in my mind as I read every descriptive word. There was a few spelling errors but that’s it. Love the story’s ending I hope in the future I will find out what happened to the children and where the dad is buried also what happens to the mom and stepfather. Very good once again.
Group 2
Broadway Star
I really liked the name Summer its really cute and fits her. I did like the story line about her being a minor and wanting to be a dancer. She seemed very determined and made me kept reading. I was kind of confused when you would say her and my in the same sentence. The swearing really brought anger in the story and made it more real. Just watch some grammar and spelling because sometimes it gets confusing but good dialogue. Great story though!
Group 4
"The Secret"
This story was amazing!! I was glued into it all the way until the end. I just wanted to read more and more! Also, the ending is so dramatic. I think that's what made the story so exciting. Even though I loved this story, I almost wanted it to go on to find out if the children got away or not. I like the way that the author did it, but maybe you could have had the two siblings have a bad realtionship. They maybe didn't get along all that well and this was something that finally made the two set aside their differences and come together. A great read overall!
Group 2
Third World Country
well first it was kinda hard to fallow. you jumped around alot. Also when she was saying goodbye it was kinda hard to tell who she was talking to.
i liked when you said about "shoving clowns in a car" that really showed how gammed packed the car was. I also thought it was good how you described all the sights on the trip really good.
over all it was a really good story.
Group 1
“In Her Father’s Footsteps”
I liked the begging a lot. You described the setting extremely well so that I could really get a feel for what was going on. I really sympathized with the main character too. I felt bad for her and I wanted her friends to stop being butt holes when they hung up on her. I like the different word choice and the comparisons throughout the entire story. The ending was cute but somewhat predictable. I felt like there should have been something else there. Maybe try to shake things up. A happy ending is always nice but it can be boring sometimes too.
Group 2
"Brazilian War"
Over all I really liked your story. I felt kinda bad though when Jack got shot cuz he didn't know what to say. And I thought "holy shizzle!" when they fired at the little shark and then shots were fired at the guys. Reminded me of a movie but i can't remember which one... and i also liked how Jack played dead when the brazilian army guy came but killed him when he wasn't looking.
-Suggestions-
I couldn't really see what Jack looked like. You didn't really describe him in your story so i sorta made up my own character which kinda takes away from your story. Add some details about him in the part where his mom felt so proud. example "the same time looked proud. Their little boy had grown into a muscular, 6 foot, 279 pound patriotic man."
Also could add more in when jane hugs him.
Another thing that could spice up your story would be to maybe describe the nine men left. They were the only ones that could help jack and yet I didn't know if they were all men or if they were all brain or braun. One more suggestion would be to elaborate a little more about the basic camp. Personally i always wondered what it would be like to live at one of them otherwise good job!
Group 3
"Wheels of Determination"-Great story! It is very sentimental and really easy to get into. Towards the middle it got a little lengthy, but it was a great story. Watch some of the dialogue but other than that, I love your story!
Group 1
A Night to Remember
This story can be related to a lot of kids in high school which is excellent. I wish there was a little bit more of a description of Andrea and maybe some of the scenes around her during the story. I also really enjoyed the type of intense dislike Andrea had for Trisha because this way she isn’t friends with everyone, which would really take away from the reality of high school. Another thing you could add is some dialog to the story; this will liven up the story and add some character to the people in it. That will show some of the characters’ feelings so you can better understand them.
Group 1
In her Father’s Footsteps
This story has an excellent plotline and the beginning is very well written even though it is sad. You probably should have used a different word than squeaked for those two dialog sections, it doesn’t seem to fit how the characters would talk in my opinion. I would suggest using mumbled or compassionately stated. Also when I think of Army training I don’t think of “practice” I think more of physical training or other words. But overall this story was very well put together, it was an excellent idea for a plotline including a girl instead of a boy to carry on father’s footsteps.
Group 3
“Broadway Star”
Suggestions watch some of your tenses. It is very confusing when it says she and then my in the same sentence. But good story line. Some harsh words but they were good detail words. I liked the story overall just make sure to stick to once tense. It is sad that her mother didn’t come so that she could peruse her dream.
Group 1
“The Night to Remember”
I don’t really like stories like these but this one was good. I might describe some of your characters better but for the most part it was good.
“Clues to Goodbye” was probably one of the best short stories I’ve read in awhile. I loved how you described the character, set the plot up, and the flow was amazing. Overall I would give this a 10 out of 10. Only thing I could maybe help with is work on the ending a little more it was good but I think it could be a little stronger. Other then that great work and keep writing.
Group 3
“Broadway Star” I thought it had some good things that I liked. The first thing was the story plot, it flew well and I understood it. Second I liked the ending of the story, it was like a twist I never thought that that was going to happen. Third the story reminded me of a friend I have and her dreams, but I just hope she doesn’t make the same mistakes as Summer. Some things you should do is have someone revise and edit your story you had your tenses off a little. Also work on maybe a little better characterization with the main character. Finally I would work on the middle section to make it a little strong because it seemed like at points the story was starting to die down.
Cruise -Group 1
I liked the story and the plot but and I felt like I was in the story which really helped me better understand what you were thinking, so kudos to you. If I were you I would have put some more details in about your characters, but you still did a very good job. I also think more details of what happened. I also like how Jeff wanted to help everyone out which makes him seem the hero or whatever you want him to be. Some thing that I would have changed was maybe make the ending a little more gradual not let it end so abruptly, but on the other hand that could keep the audience thinking and keep them on the edge and let them figure it out.
Group 2
She wasn't expecting a thing this summer
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-You gave very good background info
-You kinda messed up on when people were talking
-Song name is incorrectly written
Group 2
"Tracks to freedom"
In the beginging it was realy hard to fallow what was actually going on. There were also a cuple spelling problems to.
I really liked how you described the characters fully. Also how you described everyones feelings toward one another and were they worked. The story made me keep going it was full of suspense.
Group 3
“Dark Sister”-Your story was very interesting. I liked that it was shorter, but still full of excitement. I think that you should have told us a little more detail about the main character and the setting. Your introduction was okay, but I would have added a little more detail on where the mansion was and what the mansion looked like. Again it was a good story, just maybe add a little more detail it.
Group 1
“The Runaway”
This story is really good although you did switch to and from 1st person. You might want to describe your characters more. Other than that it was a good story.
Group 2
"She wasnt expecting a thing that summer"
I really liked how you began the story.
"Her dad had warned her that once they were finally separated that things would change, but she didn’t think that her social life would change too."
i really like that you but that in because it really makes the reader want to keep reading to find out what you ment by it. you also described the setting very well in the first half.
I really like the story because it could really happen to anyone and it is really true.i also loved how at the end you described what happend to all the characters.
It was jumpy at times and some things were punctuated wrong.
Group 3
“Unforgettable Night”
Wow that sounds scary and I hope that never happens to the person again. There were some spelling errors but other wise it kept me interested the whole time and I was able to follow it very well. Good job
Group 2
"The Secret"
Very very good begining sounds very professional. I like how u tell alot of background information. I like how u describe the car but u might want to describe the charettors more. I think it jumps to fast into the story and there should be more suspence. Very good detail and description. Very powerful ending. Some of the wording is a little confusing.
Crime doesn’t Pay- Group 1
I really liked the plot of this story and how you made Kaylee bump into that guy again which made me more interested in reading this story and it made me keep reading it. I think you had some words in there that were a little confusing and made people shy away from the story because they couldn’t understand it. I also liked the part when she was crawling into his window. This part of the story really put me on the edge and kept it exciting as ever I thought your ending was a little blah but it was still good. Nice Job
Group 4
"Clues to Goodbye"
I really liked your story!! I could almost imagine watching it as a movie in my room! Very nice plot line!!
I also liked how Brady followed his hunch and went after Charolette. Most guys are pretty lazy and would have sent it by snail mail to her!
Another thing I liked about your story was when you described your setting! Personally i love sunsets/sunrises, and when you said "As the sun rose over the trees, it gleaned and sparkled on the dew droplets covering the ground" I could almost imagine sitting on the grass with Brady looking at Trey's tombstone. Nicely done!!
A few suggestions would be to describe Brady a little more. I knew he was old but i wasn't sure how old... old with gray hair and a shiny bald spot or old as in you could see a few gray hairs sticking out through his thinning auburn hair? a little more character sketch there would be nice. Another suggestion would be that instead of finding an ipod, he should have found like her purse or something more valueable. I know that a lot of old people like my grandpa doesn't even know what an ipod is much less know what its called lol... maybe he finds a cell phone? but an ipod isn't a bad thing either...
One last suggestion would be when Brady meets the little boy who is "no more than 7 years old" and Brady asks the boy if he knew Charolette. It bothered me because how many little kids actually remember people that they barely knew. Here is some little boy playing with his toys and he actually remembers Charolette's name much less the apartment she lived in?? kinda wierd.. maybe Brady could have just seen her name on one of the buzzers by the door where it lists who all lives in the apartment instead. Otherwise i really liked your story and can't complain! :)
Group 1
In Her Father's Footsteps
I thought that there were many good details such as in the following sentence: ‘Melody looked up and saw one tear trickle down her mother’s rosy cheek.’ The plot was exceptionally good with a young woman trying to honor her father by treading the same path that he did and wishing to make him proud by serving her country and its citizens. I also liked watching the character grow and evolve as a person and human being as the story progressed. Another check for possible revisions would have been a good idea as there were several errors in the areas of spelling and punctuation usage. Overall, it was an excellent story and I enjoyed reading it immensely.
Group 4
"Unforgetable night almost done"
Great suspense story. You did a really great jobs with comparing how you were feeling to everyday things, which really helped me to understand what is was like.I also like your choice of story very different from they typical ones. My only suggestions are that you have someone else proofread your story, and check for spelling and grammar errors. I also would com up with actual character names and not the names of some of your close frinds.
Group 3
"Broadway star"
Good story! Was thought out very well, and things tied together great. Nothing left hanging, or questions unanswered. The begining had me just a little confused, but i wouldn't say it is anything to worry about. I do like the desription of how she made her way to New York by train, hitchhiking etc.
Group 4
The dream gone wrong was a well written story with good descriptions of the 2 main characters and their relationship, although there was some slang and grammatical errors.
Other than that it was a nice but sad story.
Group 3
“Racers Edge”
Love the story line. You might want to explain more about how it felt and some people may not know what those car words are. But very good over all I love the story line. Very interesting on how they were so close and he had is secret on how to win.
Group 3
“The Secret” was just an outstanding story. It had me on the edge of my chair pretty much the whole time. I love how you described the house, vehicles, and everything else. You had a great rise of action and climax. I also liked the word choices you used instead of just saying said and other easy words. Also I loved the name of the main character. I was just a little disappointed with the ending how you just ended it like that, but I guess it had to be done. Besides that it was a great story it seemed like it had been checked over well because all the punctuation was correct.
Group 4
"Wheels of Determination"
I really enjoyed your story. I loved the ending, how the tables turned and Peter was the one who began the applause. I also liked how you began right from John coming out of his coma and how Mike and John were so close. I would maybe habe someone read over your story because I found a few splling and grammar errors. I would also make the climax, where Mike has Jon try to walk and he finally does it to be a bigger deal and elaborate more on that. I would also at the end say some specific things that John had done after high school. All n all wonderful story!!
Group 5
"Lonesome Wheeler"
Your story was truly heart-felt. I definately felt bad for John. I liked how you had Peter be the one who started clapping. It showed that Peter had respect for John because he overcame his disability. I also liked how John had overcome his disability, and only in a year and a half! Awesome! I was waiting for him stumble his second time he had to walk to the wall for his therapist though. It was also hard to believe that both men were crying. i could tell that it was an emotional time but you didn't describe it very well. Another suggestions would be to describe where his scar was. I kept wondering where it was and you never brought it up in your story. Maybe show why the scar was important and where it was.
Nice story otherwise...
Group 1
War Amongst Their Own
I thought that you got to know the protagonist pretty well and you definitely got an idea as to what kind of person he was. However, I do believe that there was a lack of definitive supporting characters and this led to a significant reduction in the amount of dialogue present in the story. The plot was very radical because I never would have dreamed of the day that we would invade the country of Brazil. So I commend your creativity and ability to weave a unique yarn. I did see an exorbitant number of run-ons throughout the narrative and I would advise that you shorten such lengthy sentences in the future so as to give the story a better flow. Finally, I would like to state that I found the conclusion to be slightly confusing and I was not able to grasp whether or not the protagonist was executed by the soldiers. Overall, it was a satisfactory short story.
Group 1
The Runaway
I thought that it was a well-written story, if not exactly original in nature. The dialogue that was implemented was excellent and very authentic for the specific situations that were being faced. The protagonist was well-designed because even though you don’t learn much about him personally or even delve into a great deal of his personality, you find yourself feeling sympathetic to what he is experiencing. I would have appreciated a lengthier sequence for when he was attempting to run away from home and sneak across the border into Arizona. I enjoyed reading a story that attempts to teach the reader a lesson about life. In my opinion, that is what makes this particular short story likable to those who read it.
Group 1
Boy Troubles
I thought that this was an excellent story because it speaks about an experience that any student in high school can relate to. It was easy to become engrossed in it because there were no major mistakes to be found throughout it. The dialogue flowed so smoothly that you almost forget that what you’re reading isn’t actually happening. You quickly connect with the protagonist because you feel like you’re actually seeing her grow, watching her become more accepting of people like Chad that don’t always fit in with others socially. I also enjoyed reading the conclusion of this narrative as it symbolized the cliché of the forces of good triumphing over evil and that never gets old. Overall, I think this was extremely well-written and I applaud the author’s hard work in writing it.
Group 4
“Dark Sister”
I really liked the idea of your story. I liked how there was not an outside stranger who was the “bad guy.” I think that this really hit people that there are families like this, ones that do not know each other as much as they thought. You also used really good description, I felt like I was right there in the house. A suggestion would be not to assume or let it known that the villain is the sister so fast. Build up some suspense, and really pull the reader in. Maybe drop hints that it could be the sister, and keep pushing it off. Finally just have a friend read your story over for any grammar or spelling issues. Great story idea!!
Group 4
“The Dream gone Wrong”
I really enjoyed how suspenseful your story was. Those are my favorite kinds. You did an excellent job at holding my interests, I wanted to know what was going to happen. One thing you have to do is really watch your spelling and grammar. Make sure that you write(type) out all of your words, and not use shortcuts. I know that those are easy to fall into once you get on a roll with typing. The other thing is I would maybe rework the description of the characters in the beginning and make sure that they stay they same person throughout. Some minor fixes and this story can be a real winner!!
Post a Comment