This blog was created for Mrs. Gilson's Creative Writing courses. Students are encouraged to write compliments and suggestions when evaluating students' writing pieces. Please respect everyone's privacy and provide positive remarks.
Group 4 "A Humbling" I did enjoy this story, especially the unexpected ending. I did think that the ending was rather abrupt, though, and maybe could have used a little more elaboration. Just IMO, of course. =) I also wouldn't have minded a little more background on why it was so unusual that the character's mother let him skip school.
On the plus side, the story seemed to flow well, and I liked how realistic the main character's reaction was to being woken up that early in the morning to move his crap.
Group 1 "Long Range" The way this story ended made me want to read more. A lot of the terms used in it were a little confusing, mostly because i hadn't heard of them, but they did add some extra detail to the story. the main charactor was believable and you could relate to the way he felt. good job!
Group 2. "Dancing in the Rain" This story was very interesting to read. i liked the twist at the end, in Melina decinding to go home after she had had her mind set on staying. The last sentence was very powerful also.I think there maybee could have been a little more back and forth dialogue instead of just big paragraphs of it. i also thought it was cool how the girls had decided to go visit their family in Greece by themselves. they made the choice and acyually went through with it. I think you maybe could have put in some more details about what they actually did while they were in Greece, such as the specific places they went. Overall, the story was fun to read and very well written.
Group 4 a humbling the story over all was slow and not very up beat. But i thought you did a really good job at the end were you changed the story. I was confused about how you kept jumping back in and out. I think you made the story a little too indepth with all the switching back and forth. I am not too sure of what your theme was i think it was supose to be do not take things for granted? Overall it was a good story
Group 3 “A Life Changing Moment” I thought the story was very intriguing! The pregnancy was a very good twist and even though it was a sad ending, I liked how it still taught a lesson. I think that the character Natalie was very interesting, but was too perfect. You never mentioned any of her flaws and overall I think there could have been more descriptions of the characters and even how the prom room was decorated or the scene at the hospital. Also, make sure not to write how you speak. But, I liked how it relates to our age and it was a very good idea in general.
"Internal Struggle" It was a very nice turn around story. The plot was creatively thought out, but some things got confusing when it came to the time that it was all taking place. Overall I respect the story for what it is.
"A Humbling" Very catchy right off the bat. I was dragged in by all the creative word usage. The plot threw me for a loop but at the same time hinted at the ending. I liked the jump from the woods to the conference room, it made me think "Wait what happened," and kept me in it.
Group 1 "The New Kid" Nice story about how a new kid feels. it was a little confusing as to what happened with grace, did he ever get to see her? everything seemed to happen very fast, but nothing seemed to drag on forever.
I will admit that war stories are not of my usual interest, and when I first started reading I was afraid this story would only reflect on the gruesome deaths of soldiers. However, I liked that you told about the main character, Jamaal's thoughts as well. It seemed as though you knew alot about the topic because you were very discriptive throughout your story. "Little did they know that in less than a month’s time over half of them would be returning on the very same plane in a shallow wooden casket draped with an American flag." This line is great. It foreshadows and gives the reader an idea of what direction you are going to take your story. I also liked how you tied the begining and end together. Your last line was good as well. The only thing I would say you could improve on is the time span. It was a little confusing how you switched times from when he was a young boy to him going into the war.
The Story seemed to be off to a great start. Unfortunately, you kinda fell apart as you got further along. In my honest opininion, I feel that with more experience, you could mold this story into a very well written piece. Don't be afraid to write more than one draft and go back and make changes. Think of how your favorite book is written and apply some of those characteristics to your story. On the positive side, I liked the storyline. A bit stereotypical though. Keep it up.
Group 5 "A New Friend" This story has a really good meaning about friends and friendships. No matter what, friends should always be there for you. They are the person that you can always run to with your problems and listen with open ears. I think that the idea behind the story is really cool and shows how people can become friends because of similar interests. It is also a good theme that you shouldn't judge a book by the cover because you would be surprised by the true person. One suggestion is that you should have used more descriptive words and explained the setting a little bit more. Otherwise it was a great story!
Group 3 "Unsung Heroes" Very interesting story with a lot of colorful adjectives. It was very well described, especially during battle sequences. I obtained an excellent visual representation of exactly what was happening. The use of dialogue was also proficient. I felt that I really could understand all about the character’s personalities just through the way that they spoke. On the other hand this story was very inconsistent with sentence fluency. There were far too many choppy sentences. Many of the sentences just didn't flow together very well. I felt that these discrepancies did not coincide with the excellent descriptions that were given. It felt like there were two different writers.
Group 2 "Sunshine, Beach, and Sunburn" i thought the story was pretty interesting. I think that you could have improved a little more on your grammar and maybe checked the story over for errors. I saw that there were a couple of new paragraphas that weren't indented. i also would have like to know what Sally and the "new" matt did on their date, you kinda just skipped over the whole thing. I think you made the story more interesting to read by throwing some twists in there like Matt getting a girlfriend, and that her grandma actually set her up with the beach guy.
Group 4 "Cute is what we aim for" I feel that the description of this story was very well done. The parts about her feeling as if something bad is about to happen put you on the edge of your seat. I felt as though I had witnessed what had occurred. I suggestion could possibly be maybe talk about how her mother felt dissappointed in her. Maybe have a some dialogue between Annie and her sister.
I did like this story. It was very detailed which helped in visualizing te story. I realy liked how the main character's little sister that seemed to get her introuble saved her in the end. Maybe you could of added a little more about he current boyfriend in what he thought about what happend. I didnt really like how she portrayed herself as having the cutest clothes, the best matchign makeup, and cutest boyfriend. It made the main character seem as if she thought she was "the best". All and All I did like the story and the idea of it.
Even though I'm not much of a basketball fan, I definitely can relate with the backyard slam dunk competition. I wish the story would have elaborated a little more on the development of the friendship between the main character and Austin. Some of the word choice and punctuation confused me. The plot was smooth and easy to follow.
group 4 Internal Stuggle I think your character was a little under developed. There was no real plot to the story and seemed as though you just made it up as you went. Define your setting a little better with teh cell. Let people know how bad the prison was if it was. Let the people know about your theme it was very unclear and unresolved. Have you character show some emotion and have them interact better. You spread your story out really far. Try to take a specific time and write more specifically about that. Good idea for a story though.
Group 4 "Corrective Measures" Excellent story. I really did enjoy reading it even though it's not the type of reading I usually do. It was rather long, though, and took time I could have used to read other ones. =P j/k
Besides some of the minor grammatical errors which weren't especially pronounced, I think that one of the only things that could be improved on it is possibly cutting unnessecary information. For example, I think the segment about his parents wasn't needed and distracted from the storyline.
On the plus side, though, it was very engaging and a definite good read. I loved the way you had some of the lines in there, for example the line "he just stumbled early on and never got back up."
I thought “Long Range” was excellently written. It drew me in from the start and I never lost focus on the story. I’m not one that likes to read but I found myself wanting more. The ending was incredible because you can think about it and make your own conclusion whether he killed the guy or not. Also if he and Diedrichs even made it out of there alive. Describing the setting was one of your best qualities and made everything easy to visualize. Great story!
This story was good. There was a punctual error. You described what he saw around him very well. I like how you kept it real. Also you described the character very well, I could picture him.
Group 2 "Danceing in the Rain" i loved the ending it's so perfect. it also sends a really good message. your story was really easy to follow and grammer and punctuation was also very good. one thing that might make your story a little more interesting is knowing more about the mother..what did she look like...what was she like...over all though it was really good!
Group 1 Living the Life Interesting story. a lot of the stuff included in it seemed like they were thrown in. the part about the dad didn't seem needed, and to have the wife suddenly die, even though she wasn't mentioned before it, was a little confusing. it seems like you watch a lot of movies though because some of the things that happened appear to be taken from different movies.
Group 3 “A Life Changing Moment” I liked how the perfect character made one mistake and it seemed that it would change her whole life. I also liked how you described her and what her pet peeves are, but what I didn’t quite get was the message of the story. I wasn’t really sure what the story was about (the pregnancy, couples or how a perfect life can get destroyed) and I also think that you went back and forward a lot in your story (i.e. when you introduce her boyfriend it is almost his whole life story)
This is a very moving story about a mutant that realizes powers she never has had before. It could use some more dialogue, but try having it with other mutants.
Group 5 "Behind Closed Doors" Your story was very good. I like how you explained what your character was thinking to herself. The only thing was that you spaced kind of different, like weird indents and putting in excess space. The message of your story was also really good. The dialouge was good in between characters also. The descriptive words were also very good. Very good story!!
Overall, the author did a good job with conventions, punctuation and dialogue. The author also did a good job explaining what a kid goes through going to new school after newschool. Other than that, I thought that the story came to an abrupt ending. When I finished the story, I didn't really think that it was complete and there could be much more to the story.
Group 2 "Love is Worth the Patience" This story was very cool. The only bad thing i can really say about it isn't really bad at ll, but it maybe could have been a little longer. It was interesting to read and I felt like I wanted to keep reading to see what was going to happen next. i liked how you made it seem like he didn't want to go out with her tonight, then put a girl voice in the background which made her suspicious. Then all of a sudden you changed the whole perspective and Ben walked in. Very nice!
Group 1 The New Kid I thought the the idea behind the story was very good. I felt that the writer did go back and forth from first person to third person but otherwise a good descriptional story. The writer needs to watch out for spelling and writing errors but otherwise a good overall short story. The writer could have added a little more details but overall a good paper.
I really liked how in the story “The Normal Kind of Guy”, most of the story consisted of dialogue. The story seamed to tell it self, with very little narration. I also thought there was good characterization, without going into too many details about the characters. I think there should have been a few more irrelevant details, however. Things like Frank’s favorite class, or what he ate for breakfast would have made the story more realistic
i thought that your story was good. i thought that the grandma was a big brat! I think you need to work more on your spelling and indents and stuff. Look and read over your story more. maybe have a friend do it too. it was kind of hard to understand or follow some of your paragraphs but it could easily be fixed. Good job though! :)
Group 5 "A New Friend" You did a good job explaining the whole competition and how you made a friend even though he seemed "weird" to you. It is a good example of how the people you don’t usually think will be your friends can be some of your best friends. You have a good theme behind the story and it has a good message. Your dialogue was written well and interesting. I thought that the story was kind of boring and needed more action. I was waiting for something else to happen besides just the competition. You could have explained more about the main character and the relationship with the other characters.
This story could use some more punctuation. It could use some more details in the fights that go on. Also, the i liked it how the atheist would pray while the other guys wouldn't. I liked it best when they picked off each guard one by one.
Group 4 "A Humbling" At first I wasn't really into the story to be honest. But as the story went on it really made me think because i didn't know what was going to happen. I felt like the description of the setting in the beginning was pretty good. I loved the idea of going from the woods to the office of where is mom worked. Overall a pretty good story. Caught me by surprise.
At first when reading this story I thought it was going to be just another story about teenagers going out and getting toasted but as the story went on I was happily surprised. I thought it was well put together and I like your writing style a lot. I also liked how you showed she didn’t care anymore what she looked like. Good job on creating the character when I was reading the story I could picture her in my head. The ending wasn’t for me I would have elaborated on maybe how her family felt because Jenny was worried how her family would react if they found out she was at a party.
Group 4 "Cute Is What We Aim For" This story was excellent and I really enjoyed reading it. The setup to the final event where he stabbed her was good, because it didn't give too much away about what was going to happen. If you were trying to make the stabbing unexpected, you succeeded. The ending was profound in the best kind of way, leaving me with something to think about for the rest of the day.
I'm trying to think of some things that could have been changed and I can't think of many. One possible thing was that you may want to explain what Anne thought about her appearance before the attack so it's easier to compare to how she feels afterwards.
Group 5 "Princess Swap" I really liked this story. It had a good plot and really good sentence structure. It also was really cool how you took characters from like current culture with children and incorporated them into the story but changes it too. I think that you could have gone more in depth with the setting and I also think that just because these characters are well known, you could have gone more in depth with their descriptions. Also, there are a couple minor grammatical errors but overall I loved your story!
I thought this story was very good. I wasn't expecting the pregnancy and then losing the pregnancy. I agree with cloudnine and that it works well with being with our age. It is something that someone could easily deal with. There were a few grammatical errors, but they could be easily figure out. A suggestion I would give you would be to describe some of the feelings she has from being pregnant. Overall, the story had a great plot and message. Nice job!
Your story was to the point and a fast read. I didn't get lost into little details, but they were still there. I liked that your story wasn't super long but still had a good plot to it. The ending came up fast and got me really into the story because it was wrapped up so quickly. It was simple and to the point. Your story line was a great idea. The only thing I would suggest improvements on is your transitions and sentence structure. Some sentences within the story seemed more like statements or facts rather than tieing it in with the rest of the story. But other than that I really liked your story.
Group 4 "Sick it Out" This story kept me on the edge of my seat making me want to keep reading. It was i good representation of what could happen when a girl gets pregnant. Maybe add a little more about her friends and how they helped her.
I really liked your plot. Your story, I would say, was different from most. You did not follow the typical topics such as war, love, high school drama, etc. I liked how you threw a twist in there with your character choice. The two main characters really contrasted eachother nicely. The young girls modest personality clashed with the grandmother's bluntness. This made the story more interesting especially when Sally learned to appreciate her grandmother at the end. You had alot of great descriptions, but your thoughts seemed scattered at times. I would also suggest mixing up your sentence stuctures rather than begining them with the same Sally did this... Sally did that... but other than that your story was great!
Group 3 "Divine Intervention" I really enjoyed reading the story. I loved how you described the character, and the feelings the mutant had. I think it is funny that the mutant who got told by the priest that she doesn't have a soul actually talks to god the whole time. I like your story how it is and don't think you have to improve a lot but you could write more dialog.
Group 4 "Internal Struggle" Overall a good story, but it didn't keep my interest. One thing you may want to try is making all the tenses the same; for example, some of it is written in past tense and some of it is written in present tense, and the switching back and forth is kinda confusing.
One thing I really liked was the element of redemption at the end, where Taylor realizes that she needs to get new friends if she's ever going to change her ways. It shows that she is growing in maturity and beginning to look for what's best for her.
Group 3 “Divine Intervention” This story was amazingly written! I loved every single description you made and it was so easy to picture everything happening. I also like how you allowed the reader to get to know the character so well. One thing I would suggest is interaction with dialogue between different characters in the story. For me, it was a little difficult to follow because I didn’t know what a lot of the words meant and have never been introduced to a story with this kind of content. But, your descriptions kept the story intriguing even though I wasn’t quite sure what was always happening. One other suggestion, make sure you keep to the plot, and include rising action, a climax, and falling action. Overall, wonderful descriptions!
Group 4 "Internal Struggle" I think the characters could be developed a little more. It's hard to really know what she is going through. I liked the idea of going from getting arrested and then flashing back to why she ended up in jail in the first place. In the end it turned out to be a pretty good story, but it was confusing at times.
Group 2 "Unpleasant Nightmare" Wow!!! This was a very interesting story. It was really good. i liked that you felt as if you were there inside the story. Grammar and punctuation was good too. i think i only saw two misspelled words. Every thing else was excellent! Good Job! :)
Group 3 “Virgin” I thought that this was a very interesting story. I found it to be quite funny and quickly realized who it was written by. I thought that there was excellent dialogue and the good story line overall was very well constructed. I especially enjoyed the unexpected ending that you had devised. I think that you did an excellent job of making your story very accurate of real life issues that teens actually face in high school. Some suggestions would be to combine some of your sentences so they flow more smoothly and incorporate less slang terms unless they are within the dialogue.
Group 4 "The Killing Rage" I thought this story was pretty decent. there is some work needed with the grammar and punctuation but otherwise it was ok. The plot was good, even though it did seem like an X-men movie script. Overall i thought it had some good ideas.
Group 1 "Living the Life" You did very well with describing the characters personality but could have described the characters physical atrributes better. I didnt like how his wife wasnt mentioned at all in the first half and then she just dies out of know where at the ending.You could have described her better and build emotion into your story by doing so. Also it was a little slow in the beginning and then everything just seemed to be thrown in at the end. I did however like how the end turned out.
Group 4 "Stick It Out" Your story was somewhat hard to follow because of all the punctuation and grammer issues with it, and I think that some of your word choice could have been a bit better.
That being said, I did like the fact that Mike stuck around despite his original reaction to Amy's confession. The world would be a better place if that happened more often.
Let this be a lesson to everyone; Always use protection. ;)
Group 5 "Deadly Love" This story is really good. There are excellent descriptions and the descriptive words are awesome! The setting is really well developed and I love how in the story you kept on introducing little tidbits. I also love the struggle both physically, mentally, and emotionally. There were a few grammar errors but not many at all. I also feel that you gave a brief introduction of the characters, but I wish that you went more in depth and provided further descriptions. Also, I think that as the story progressed, I seemed to get the characters and their names mixed up. But otherwise, your story was great and kept me on the edge of my seat!
I think that “Living the Life” was a pretty decent story although it was very confusing for me. Who was Justin? That name just randomly appeared in the story and made it more confusing. I don’t know much about golf at all so I didn’t understand most of the first page but it was well written. I found myself trying to figure out what the author was talking about more than actually reading the story. The story seemed to jump around a lot and then all of a sudden it was back to an earlier spot. When I finished I had many questions that I couldn’t answer. The grammar and the set up of the story was done very well but could use some work.
Group 5 “Behind Closed Doors” Your wording was very descriptive and it made it really interesting. Your story had a good message and dialogue. Some of the wording you used made it confusing and hard to understand. You need to indent for a new speaker so we know who is talking. The beginning was written well but I thought you could have written more to the story and tell us what happened after that.
Group 4 "Internal Struggle" I did like this story but maybe you could add some effects that the character had when she first stoped using the drugs. I liked how it started out then she had a flash back to why she ended up were she was now. Mabye you could of added what happend when she returned home, like if her friends tryed talking to her or her boyfriend, or if she had temptations to use the drugs again. It was a good story that I was able to visualize while reading.
This story was definitely had purpose. However, the dialogue and grammar left something to be desired. The verb tense switched often, but the author did manage to convey a good plot with enough background to understand the story. The setting description was also good. Overall the story was not too bad.
Your story started off great. It seemed to interest me, but as you went on through the story it seemed to go a little off track. The information you are trying to relay to your readers may need to be reorganized. For example, you talked about Frank through your whole story, but then in the middle you started giving us more facts about him rather than at the begining. However, I liked the topic you chose. It is realistic and seems like you enjoyed writing your story. Your dialogue was great throughout. There was alot of interaction between your characters that gives the story a casual feel. Great job!
Group 4 "Stick it out" I liked this story alot. Not sure what the theme is but the description of the characters was good, and so was the dialogue. Great dialogue. You could really tell how they were feeling when you read it. Fast paced story but it worked. It is a typical high school story where people make a mistake and then they have to deal with the consequences. I really got into it straight from the beginning.
I like the twist on page 3 it was unexpected. Found alot of grammer mistakes. I like the original names and most of the detailing. Her change in personality is also a great twist.
This story was good. I found some words that repeated, but overall it was very good. I like how you had the character like someone else but got to know the kid she didn’t know until the class. The part where you had the character want something so bad, but she didn’t think she was going to get it.
very well written. Was really an interesting story that made me want to keep reading to see what would happen next. When I read the story it was like I was on the edge of my seat, not knowing if Jamaal would surive the brutal attck on his soldiers. Not knowing if he would get shot. I liked the start, when the squad leader is shot right away. Then jamaal had to take over. All in all a great story.
Group 4 "The Killing Rage" It seems like you wrote this story during the same events of one other one... "Divine Intervention", I think?
I liked it a lot, especially the part where he turns into a tiger and shreds the guy attacking him. It was completely unexpected. Also the brutality of the killings of not only the father and son but also Blake's own family really gets across the harshness of what's happening around him.
There was a few grammer and spelling errors that were distracting, and the ending seemed a bit abrupt, but otherwise it was very good.
Group 5 "Just a Walk Home" This story was amazing and touching. I loved how in-depth you went with Jenny's description. It explained a lot about her and the story went along a lot smoother because of it. You made a lot of good word choices and the variety was excellent! I also like the moral at the end. I wish that you would have more of a falling action though, because it just suddenly ended. A suggestion would be go farther and talk about what her parents reaction was and how her life changed after the rape. Otherwise, your story is very good!
Group 2 "Love is Worth the Patience" I really liked your story. I got pictures in my head the whole time. i did however run into some grammar errors. i would have also liked to know more about the girl in the background. I got shivers when i read about the part where Ben asked the girl to marry him. Good Job! :)
I thought this story was extremely well written. I was captivated after reading the first page. I thought the author displayed a great knowledge events surrounding the Vietnam War and of the tactics used in it. The main character, Jamaal, was portrayed very well and I found him very easy character to get behind. The setting was also very good, without being overly descriptive. All in all it was an excellent story and I couldn’t improve it if I tried.
Group 1 "The New Kid" You did very well with describing the main character,it was easy to make a picture in my mind. Good use of dialogue it helped move the story along. It was slow at times and Confusing at some points, such as the part were he was going to say bye to grace and then after that sentence it jumed and he on his way to a new school.
This story had a good plot and good descriptions of the setting at appropriate times. The story also had a good use of the theme. Puncutation was also good in the story. one problem the story has is that there is a lack of dialogue throughout the story.
"The Killing Rage" Group 5
The story has a good introduction, starting with intensity right away. There is also a very good use of word choice and sentence fluency. The theme throughout the story remains full of action and keeps you interested.
Group 2 "Unpleasant Nightmares" The story was excellent! I really liked reading it, I felt like it was pulling me in and i had to keep reading to see what was going to happen. i definitely sensed a hint of "saving private ryan" in there, but you added your own twists and storyline. I couldn't find many mistakes, although i did see a couple of spots where you didn't start a new paragraph for dialogue. It made the story seem more realistic because you put in real cities and things like that. Overall I give the story an A+.
This story may have lacked in grammar and punctuation, but it gave the reader something to get interested in. If there had been a little more unpredictability to the story it may have drawn the reader in more. The point got across though so nice job.
Group 3 "Virgin" I liked the story and I’m pretty sure that this is how a lot of girls feel in high school. It made me kind of said that the story ended their. It wasn't a bad end it was actually an unexpected end but I wanted to know if her boyfriend just used her to have sex.
Group 5 “Just a Walk Home” I liked how you did the introduction and then told us about what happened that day. You went in depth about the main character and it made it interesting. Some of your wording made it hard to understand. I thought that the story was kind of confusing and all of a sudden she was just dead. You could have more falling action and then say that she died. Your theme was good and I liked the moral at the end.
Group 4 "Wanted Dead Or Alive" A good story that really grabbed my interest. I especially liked how you kept the theme of returning home throughout the entire thing, and then at the end he actually gets to return. A great read.
There wasn't much you could improve on it, though there was a few small grammer errors (hardly enough to comment on). Also, I know you mentioned about the draft; a few more details on that would have been nice, but not nessecary.
Group 3 “Virgin Yes/No” This story was very interesting! I also liked how you made the story very realistic, and how you really got across what went through her mind throughout the entire process. I like your word choices and how you put emphasis on everything. A couple suggestions would be just to have someone look over your paper to watch for grammatical errors. Also, I didn’t quite understand the ending of the story, so you could maybe be a little clearer on it, or even the message of the story. Lastly, make sure you don’t write how you speak. Keep that in the dialogue, but not in that narration part of your story. Overall, it was a very good idea for a short story!
I thought that this story was overall a great story. At first the story was a little boring but when his wife dies, it changed the mood of the story. I liked the details and descriptions throughout the story. I felt that the point that was trying to get across was made quite exceptionally. In the story, no matter what happened in his life, he moved on. Great story and overall very good!
This story hardly needs anything at all, except some punctuations and better sentences. The detail was very good. There could be a little more dialogue, but otherwise, best story i've read.
Group 1 trying to love with a broken heart interesting story. good charactor discription for each one. but it was mostly descriptions for the first page and their really wasn't a story. how you described their first date was good, but you didn't go into detail very much so it got a little confusing. good job though!
Group 5 "The Dream of all Dreams" I think that this story decent. I really like the ending also. I think that is a good story but just needed to have a grammatical errors fixed. There are grammatical errors so I suggest that you could go and fix those. You also didn't indent and start new paragraphs for a new speaker. I also like the base of the story but I think that you could have expanded way more. The story seemed choppy all around. But I do think that he had something going for it.
Stick it out Group 4 Your story was not very interesting at thee beginning but later it got alot more interesting. You need to work on your talking parts and cool it a little bit on all the character talking. The theme of the storry was very strong and obvious twards the end. The ending of the story was not bad either.
Group 4 "Virgin" One thing to say: Damn good story. (Sorry, Mrs. Gilson... it had to be said.)
This is easily one of the best ones I've read so far. The realism in it is very perceptive, and it almost makes me wonder if it's based on actual events. I really, really liked how the main character considers things and how we share her thoughts throughout the entire series of events, so we know what she's trying to do.
The only thing that I didn't like was the ending... I didn't quite understand what happened there. Was the mother home during these events? Did she suspect something? It was confusing.
Group 1 "Untold Truth" The author did a good job of describing the setting,it was very descriptive and easy to picture. I found the beginning to be very interesting and it made me want to keep reading.It was a bit jumpy at certain point, like how she was 13 then 23,ten you talked about three years after the marriage. I did really enjoy reading this story and I thought it was the best one I read so far.
"Virgin" I thought that this story was amazing. The descriptiveness of everything was mind blowing, it was like i was watching it all happen. there were a few spelling mistakes but thats ok, it happens. I really loved it, but i was left wanting a little more closure at the end.
Group 3 “The dirt road to happiness” I liked how you described the school with their kids and how they were addicted to Abercrombie. I would use more dialog in your story to improve. At the beginning you described a lot and then I would say in the middle of your story it seemed like you want to get finished because everything happened really fast. I also think that you don’t need so many details in your story some of them are not relevant.
This story had a really good plot. However, I believe the story would have been much better if the dialogue was edited more thoroughly. The theme was also very good. The only suggestion I have is to work on grammar. Otherwise the story was pretty good.
Group 5 “The Dream of all Dreams” I thought that you had a good plot line and a good story. I liked how the end wasn’t a fairy tale ending but they still ended up being good friends. You had some grammatical errors in your story and you didn’t indent when someone else was talking which made it hard to understand. It was kind of confusing with all the people dating everyone and trying to remember all of their names. The story also kept going back and forth and I think you could have done some different things with it to make it flow better.
I thought this story had a very good plotline. There were some errors with dialogue and other things. I think that it would be better to not quite rush into the relationship, but then again that is part of the story. It may have been better if it wasn’t over a somewhat long period of time. I felt like I was jumping to a new place a lot. Overall, I really liked the storyline! Good job!
“Trying to love with a broken heart” was a well written story. I thought that the author described Jacob and all of the settings very well. I felt that was definitely a strong point in this story. In some cases it just didn’t seem like a story because it skipped around to much, in my opinion. Overall excellent story.
The story had a good plot and theme to it and was interesting to read. There was also good descriptions of setting. The introduction to the story is good too. There could've been more dialogue to the story. Some of the dialogue could also start new paragraphs. Then the transitions between his childhood to teen years were too rapid.
I really liked this story. All of the descriptions from start to end were amazing. I loved how you had so many thoughts going on. I got into the story so well and the ending was incredible. I really don’t even know what to suggest. Speechless. GREAT JOB!
Group 3 “A Dirt Road to Happiness” I like the message this story gets across, which I basically thought was sticking by your friend’s side and also learning to make sure you are treated how you should be. I thought it was interesting and I didn’t think that the guy would have ever hurt her, but he still did. I like your descriptions of the sky and how you always incorporated her smile and the also the breeze. I think that the title is also very appropriate! Some suggestions would be to include much more dialogue and also have it proofread a few more times. I would try to work on word fluency so your story can be read more smoothly and also watch for verb tense agreements. Good job!
This story, at first, started off in a different way. I felt that this story was unusual. It was a different writing technique that was used. I, personally, did not quite connect with the whole idea of the story but it was alright. The way the author wrote was different but I felt that if using this type of technique would be used again by the author, that the author could connect more with the readers on a level of more basis of what is going on not only about the one guy in the story but with other events that are taking place too. Overall this story was acceptional but otherwise not the best out there. Room for improvement and diversity.
Group 1 "Long Range" Your story was very well written and very realistic. I had some problems understanding what you were talking about,mostley because i dont know anything about that subject. You probably culd have described the characters a little better, but overall it was a good read.
Group 4 "Divine Intervention" It seems that this one and "The Killing Rage" were written together?
I did like this story, although it's not really my kind of reading. For being sci-fi, it had a good element of realism in it.
A few things I thought you could improve on were major dialogue additions and a better explanation as to why Kim was fleeing the humans. Other then that, it was pretty good.
I will admit that romance stories are not something I usually enjoy to read, but this one was very interesting. I thought that the characters were very complex and well developed. They were also very believable and easy to sympathies with. The setting was hardly mentioned, but I think that was a good thing. I think that too much setting would have taken the focus away from McKenzie’s feelings. The only flaw that I could detect was, some of the transitions between the character’s thoughts and the narration were a little rough. Over all I thought it was an excellent story
Group 5 "Virgin" I think that this story is excellent. I love the detailed descriptions of the characters. This story put me on the edge of my seat and it was amazing. I love how in the end they didn't end up having sex, and how the mom just had this instinct about her daughter. It addresses some real teen issues and is astonishing. There isn't much that I can suggest except that I wish she would have had one friend to go to..like a secret friend that she didn't admit having. Otherwise, this story was amazing!!
You could have improved a little more on your grammar but other than that it was a good story. Very interesting, how you threw matt in there. I somewhat thought the grandma was a big jerk at some times. But a good story.
Group 4 "Corrective Measures" This story was very long. Mabye you could cut some things out that isnt needed all that much to shorten it up. I liked how the character looked back at his life....it was kind of a flashback. Very Interesting story thou.
The Killing Rage Group 4 YOUR STORY IS TOO LONG. But your story is really good. I thought the middle of your story was the best when the boy started to change. I problably would have thrown in another gunshot so we knew his brother was dead to, you kind of just let that pop up. I really like how the character questioned himself the whole time and kept trying to look inside himself. You had a very good character developement. I would have probably changed some of the dyalect. You dont need to put he said or she urged, you could eliminate that stuff. good story over all best i have read yet
I felt the story was well written except that it was really easy to guess that they were going to get liquor though. The part where she got killed was a great surprise. Would like to know how her friend and family reacted.
Group 3 “The Dirt Road to Happiness” I felt that this story did not convey enough emotion to the reader and I felt like I could not immerse myself in it. Many of the sentences used were very plain and somewhat boring. You did, however, come up with an interesting story line and an absolutely excellent title name. I thought that the title was very original and creative. Some suggestions for the future would be to try to begin sentences with different words and broaden your overall selection of words in the story.
"unpleasant Nightmares" Absolutley amazing story!! I was immediately entrapped by your style of writing. I couldn't get enough. Your word choice and descriptions were superb. If there was anything bad about this story I couldn't find it because I was so focused on everything that was happening. Great job!!
Group 1 "Trying to love with a broken Heart" The introduction paragraph wasnt the greatest and there wasnt really any story line.You did well with descibing jake but didnt say much about th other character.
Group 4 "Virgin" This story was amazing. I realyl liked how she decided to think about what she wanted and not her boyfriend. The story kept me on the edge of my seat and made me want to keep reading! Great job!!
I felt that this story was very, very above excellence. I felt that this story was very descriptional and the details put in was amazing. The way the author put the mood in the air was phenonal. I almost felt like I was actually there and that I was right aside of them. Overall, probably one of the better stories out there and that I definitely suggest reading this one for sure, especially if you like war stories and stuff. Great details and great story. Nice job author!
This story could use some grammar checking, but it is a good story. it also needs some indentations for paragraphs when different people are speaking. I know who wrote this story so it doesn't really need anything other than the things i talked about.
Group 4 Corrective Measures The character in your story was developed very well. Also i liked your descriptive nature with the setting. The plot of your storry was very well developed and a little hard to understand. You may have wrote a little to tensely using terms and sayings that some may not understand. The people in the story were very well matched my their descriptions. NOT a fan of you using the wrappers, kinda made the story unrealistic and far fetched.
Group 4 "Princess Swap" This is a hilarious story. I really liked the viewpoint it was written from, from that of an irritated narrator. The concept as well was unusual and unique but it worked rather well. At first I was not really interested but by the end of the second paragraph I was really into it. To be honest, the only think I can possibly suggest would be to have more of a definite theme throughout, but even that's not really an issue.
Very good writing.
Group 4 "The Dream Of All Dreams" Um. Wow. The concept behind the story could have been interesting, but the total lack of decent dialogue and any descriptions whatsoever made it nearly impossible to read. The storyline seemed completely random and extremely difficult to follow. It shows a lot of potential, though, so keep practicing!
Group 2 "Virgin" WOWWWWW! This story was so good! i had to print it off so i could finish reading it. i couldnt wait. your story had a very good meaning and point to it...i really liked the main characters attitude too. (Sounds like a normal teenage girl) :) ummmm the only thing i noticed was the quotation marks were always backwards. Great job though!!!! :) Yours was my favorite so far.
“The New Kid” was an amazing story. I really liked it and although I never have moved to a new school, the author really captured how I always thought it would feel like. I don’t really have any suggestions to make this better.
The author of this story did an excellent job on writing about the plot and setting. You could thoroughly understand and view the actual story. The introduction was very capturing and caught the eye of the reader, myself. A little confusing on the ages on how you would change but otherwise a very well written story. Good job!
The author of this story did an excellent job on writing about the plot and setting. You could thoroughly understand and view the actual story. The introduction was very capturing and caught the eye of the reader, myself. A little confusing on the ages on how you would change but otherwise a very well written story. Good job!
This is not a made up story. This is actually a play the seniors did 2 years ago for one acts. You could use some indentations and spell checks for this too. Also, you kept messing up who was with who.
"Divine Intervention" This was a very interesting story indeed. It hooks the reader in and keeps them there for the whole ride. I have no problems with the story just compliments because this thing was flawless. Even with all the difficult words in it, it was easy to understand due to the great context clues. Nice job.
Group 3 “Divine Intervention” This was an amazing story! By far it was the most exciting and well written story that I have read so far. You possess a very large vocabulary and utilize it beautifully in regards to the descriptions of the setting and your characters’ attitudes. This story also had an excellent plotline and was very creatively constructed. I quite enjoyed the arcane ending as well. My only suggestion would be to include more dialogue and possibly better explain the current situation. Overall great read!
I felt that this story was one of the way better stories. It was very well written and had great action. The story really kept the eye open and wanting to keep on reading. Great plot throughout the whole story and very well written. I especially liked the ending with Red walking and then giving a quick glance up at the sky. Very nicely done and a great job!
First of all let me say who ever wrote this story is brilliant! Was well thought out and very good descriptions of the setting. I could really picture myself in just about every situation that came up. Very unpredicting and thrilling to read. I just keep reading, and as I read the story it kept getting more interesting. I rate this story a 10 out of 10.
This story was by far the best I have read yet. I consider myself to be somewhat of a war story junky, but this one was really good. The author had great description and precise detail to aid the story. The only real suggestion I would give would be to clear up the time between when Jamaal got hit and his rescue; it was a little difficult to understand what was happening. That’s war I guess; you never really fully know what’s going on. Kudos on a great story.
I like how the story immediately changed when the father entered the home. It end really abruptly, would have been nice to have known if the mother eventually did something. But the way you did was nice to because it left me wondering.
Group 5 “Virgin” I thought that this story was really good and thought out well. This story deals with what a lot of teenagers actually go through and I thought it was very accurate. I like the point of view of the main character and that she didn’t know if her boyfriend really loved her or was just using her. In the end I wasn’t really sure if she did end up having sex with him or not. There are also some grammatical errors.
Where to start....First things first. I hold no grudge against against the author of this story, just the story that was written. Pleas excuse me if I seem to be a bit over-critical. I will start with the introduction and the conclusion. Throw out the first sentence. For the content of this story, the first sentence is an absolute wrong approach, in my oppinion. Unless, that is, you end the story with "This story conludes with a boy. A boy who never stopped dreaming." Even at that, I feel that the intro and conclusion could be tied together in a better, more creative way. I like what you were saying in the intro/conlusion but once again, I feel it could have been written more creatively. Secondly, you repeat the names a little too much. Not to be rude, but, I didn't forget the characters' names. Once in awhile a reminder of the names is good. Thirdly, you could stand to clean up the layout of this story. Recall when we learned about spacing and dialogue and when to start new paragraphs. With the way you wrote this story, I feel like I'm reading a narrative rather than a short story. The only thing that really drew me to reading more was my interest on whether the style of writing would change. Other than that, I found it hard to continue reading. Now, for every negative, I can give a positive. I like the genuine feelings you gave your characters. I can relate to the movie theater incident. I can also relate to the yearning for a lasting relationship. The theme behind the story was excellent also. I think with a little work, you could be an excellent writer.
This story was good. It made me think of x-men at towards the end, and the people who were trying to get rid of the mutants. But overall I thought the beginning was very good because it got me right into the story. Also the middle was good. I like how you had made the ending.
"Long Range" I thought this story was pretty good. It was realistic and believable. Spelling and grammar is always an issue when anyone is writing a paper so don't worry about it. I wanted more in the end though. I know that is what you were going for but it might make people like your story more if you added a little more as closure.
I found this story to be very touching. I thought it was well written and easy to follow. I really liked how the theme tied into the story and was fully explained in the end. I think that some of the paragraphs should have been separated. They had thoughts and events that didn’t really go together. I think it disrupted the flow of the story. I also thought that the ending was too sudden. It seamed to me like the main character changed her mind, about living in Geese, on a whim. Her reasoning was never really mentioned.
This story was interesting. A little bit unreal, but who knows. I liked how you had it narrated by the girl so you could get her thoughts. You describe things well and the friends’ pressure was nicely told. There were a few grammatical errors and quotations were incorrect, but I could easily figure them out. I like how you ended it with everyone hanging...Did they or not? Overall, I think that you did a great job on the story!
This story was good. I think you could have described the description of the character a little bit more. I liked how you describe the three girls’ personality. Also I liked how you described the way the girl cares for her mom and her fathers insecurity about her mom.
150 comments:
6th hour is the best!
Yes... yes we are. Star class. =)
wow it is kinda cold in here ha
Kinda
Freezing! Brrr! :)
Very cold... I'm freezing =P
Group 4
"A Humbling"
I did enjoy this story, especially the unexpected ending. I did think that the ending was rather abrupt, though, and maybe could have used a little more elaboration. Just IMO, of course. =) I also wouldn't have minded a little more background on why it was so unusual that the character's mother let him skip school.
On the plus side, the story seemed to flow well, and I liked how realistic the main character's reaction was to being woken up that early in the morning to move his crap.
Group 1
"Long Range"
The way this story ended made me want to read more. A lot of the terms used in it were a little confusing, mostly because i hadn't heard of them, but they did add some extra detail to the story. the main charactor was believable and you could relate to the way he felt. good job!
Group 2. "Dancing in the Rain"
This story was very interesting to read. i liked the twist at the end, in Melina decinding to go home after she had had her mind set on staying. The last sentence was very powerful also.I think there maybee could have been a little more back and forth dialogue instead of just big paragraphs of it. i also thought it was cool how the girls had decided to go visit their family in Greece by themselves. they made the choice and acyually went through with it. I think you maybe could have put in some more details about what they actually did while they were in Greece, such as the specific places they went. Overall, the story was fun to read and very well written.
Group 4 a humbling
the story over all was slow and not very up beat. But i thought you did a really good job at the end were you changed the story. I was confused about how you kept jumping back in and out. I think you made the story a little too indepth with all the switching back and forth. I am not too sure of what your theme was i think it was supose to be do not take things for granted? Overall it was a good story
Group 3
“A Life Changing Moment”
I thought the story was very intriguing! The pregnancy was a very good twist and even though it was a sad ending, I liked how it still taught a lesson. I think that the character Natalie was very interesting, but was too perfect. You never mentioned any of her flaws and overall I think there could have been more descriptions of the characters and even how the prom room was decorated or the scene at the hospital. Also, make sure not to write how you speak. But, I liked how it relates to our age and it was a very good idea in general.
Group 4
"Internal Struggle"
It was a very nice turn around story. The plot was creatively thought out, but some things got confusing when it came to the time that it was all taking place. Overall I respect the story for what it is.
"A Humbling"
Very catchy right off the bat. I was dragged in by all the creative word usage. The plot threw me for a loop but at the same time hinted at the ending. I liked the jump from the woods to the conference room, it made me think "Wait what happened," and kept me in it.
Group 1
"The New Kid"
Nice story about how a new kid feels. it was a little confusing as to what happened with grace, did he ever get to see her? everything seemed to happen very fast, but nothing seemed to drag on forever.
Group 3
"A Life Changing Moment"
It could use more dialogue. Also, it is an interesting story about a young girl that got pregnant.
Group 2- "Unpleasant Nightmares"
I will admit that war stories are not of my usual interest, and when I first started reading I was afraid this story would only reflect on the gruesome deaths of soldiers. However, I liked that you told about the main character, Jamaal's thoughts as well. It seemed as though you knew alot about the topic because you were very discriptive throughout your story. "Little did they know that in less than a month’s time over half of them would be returning on the very same plane in a shallow wooden casket draped with an American flag." This line is great. It foreshadows and gives the reader an idea of what direction you are going to take your story. I also liked how you tied the begining and end together. Your last line was good as well. The only thing I would say you could improve on is the time span. It was a little confusing how you switched times from when he was a young boy to him going into the war.
Group 5
Behind Closed Doors
The Story seemed to be off to a great start. Unfortunately, you kinda fell apart as you got further along. In my honest opininion, I feel that with more experience, you could mold this story into a very well written piece. Don't be afraid to write more than one draft and go back and make changes. Think of how your favorite book is written and apply some of those characteristics to your story. On the positive side, I liked the storyline. A bit stereotypical though. Keep it up.
Group 5
"A New Friend"
This story has a really good meaning about friends and friendships. No matter what, friends should always be there for you. They are the person that you can always run to with your problems and listen with open ears. I think that the idea behind the story is really cool and shows how people can become friends because of similar interests. It is also a good theme that you shouldn't judge a book by the cover because you would be surprised by the true person. One suggestion is that you should have used more descriptive words and explained the setting a little bit more. Otherwise it was a great story!
Group 3
"Unsung Heroes"
Very interesting story with a lot of colorful adjectives. It was very well described, especially during battle sequences. I obtained an excellent visual representation of exactly what was happening. The use of dialogue was also proficient. I felt that I really could understand all about the character’s personalities just through the way that they spoke.
On the other hand this story was very inconsistent with sentence fluency. There were far too many choppy sentences. Many of the sentences just didn't flow together very well. I felt that these discrepancies did not coincide with the excellent descriptions that were given. It felt like there were two different writers.
Group 2 "Sunshine, Beach, and Sunburn"
i thought the story was pretty interesting. I think that you could have improved a little more on your grammar and maybe checked the story over for errors. I saw that there were a couple of new paragraphas that weren't indented. i also would have like to know what Sally and the "new" matt did on their date, you kinda just skipped over the whole thing. I think you made the story more interesting to read by throwing some twists in there like Matt getting a girlfriend, and that her grandma actually set her up with the beach guy.
Group 4 "Cute is what we aim for"
I feel that the description of this story was very well done. The parts about her feeling as if something bad is about to happen put you on the edge of your seat. I felt as though I had witnessed what had occurred. I suggestion could possibly be maybe talk about how her mother felt dissappointed in her. Maybe have a some dialogue between Annie and her sister.
Group 4
"Cute is what we Aim for"
I did like this story. It was very detailed which helped in visualizing te story. I realy liked how the main character's little sister that seemed to get her introuble saved her in the end.
Maybe you could of added a little more about he current boyfriend in what he thought about what happend. I didnt really like how she portrayed herself as having the cutest clothes, the best matchign makeup, and cutest boyfriend. It made the main character seem as if she thought she was "the best".
All and All I did like the story and the idea of it.
group 5
"A New Friend"
Even though I'm not much of a basketball fan, I definitely can relate with the backyard slam dunk competition. I wish the story would have elaborated a little more on the development of the friendship between the main character and Austin. Some of the word choice and punctuation confused me. The plot was smooth and easy to follow.
group 4 Internal Stuggle
I think your character was a little under developed. There was no real plot to the story and seemed as though you just made it up as you went. Define your setting a little better with teh cell. Let people know how bad the prison was if it was. Let the people know about your theme it was very unclear and unresolved. Have you character show some emotion and have them interact better. You spread your story out really far. Try to take a specific time and write more specifically about that. Good idea for a story though.
Group 3
"Dirt Road to Happiness"
This story could use more dialogue. Also, use better spelling for certain words. The paragraphs only need 1 tab NOT 2.
Group 4
"Corrective Measures"
Excellent story. I really did enjoy reading it even though it's not the type of reading I usually do. It was rather long, though, and took time I could have used to read other ones. =P j/k
Besides some of the minor grammatical errors which weren't especially pronounced, I think that one of the only things that could be improved on it is possibly cutting unnessecary information. For example, I think the segment about his parents wasn't needed and distracted from the storyline.
On the plus side, though, it was very engaging and a definite good read. I loved the way you had some of the lines in there, for example the line "he just stumbled early on and never got back up."
Group 1
I thought “Long Range” was excellently written. It drew me in from the start and I never lost focus on the story. I’m not one that likes to read but I found myself wanting more. The ending was incredible because you can think about it and make your own conclusion whether he killed the guy or not. Also if he and Diedrichs even made it out of there alive. Describing the setting was one of your best qualities and made everything easy to visualize. Great story!
Group 1
“The New Kid”
This story was good. There was a punctual error. You described what he saw around him very well. I like how you kept it real. Also you described the character very well, I could picture him.
Group 2
"Danceing in the Rain"
i loved the ending it's so perfect. it also sends a really good message. your story was really easy to follow and grammer and punctuation was also very good. one thing that might make your story a little more interesting is knowing more about the mother..what did she look like...what was she like...over all though it was really good!
Group 1
Living the Life
Interesting story. a lot of the stuff included in it seemed like they were thrown in. the part about the dad didn't seem needed, and to have the wife suddenly die, even though she wasn't mentioned before it, was a little confusing. it seems like you watch a lot of movies though because some of the things that happened appear to be taken from different movies.
Group 3
“A Life Changing Moment”
I liked how the perfect character made one mistake and it seemed that it would change her whole life. I also liked how you described her and what her pet peeves are, but what I didn’t quite get was the message of the story. I wasn’t really sure what the story was about (the pregnancy, couples or how a perfect life can get destroyed) and I also think that you went back and forward a lot in your story (i.e. when you introduce her boyfriend it is almost his whole life story)
Group 3
"Divine Intervention"
This is a very moving story about a mutant that realizes powers she never has had before. It could use some more dialogue, but try having it with other mutants.
Group 5
"Behind Closed Doors"
Your story was very good. I like how you explained what your character was thinking to herself. The only thing was that you spaced kind of different, like weird indents and putting in excess space. The message of your story was also really good. The dialouge was good in between characters also. The descriptive words were also very good. Very good story!!
Group 2
"The New Kid"
Overall, the author did a good job with conventions, punctuation and dialogue. The author also did a good job explaining what a kid goes through going to new school after newschool. Other than that, I thought that the story came to an abrupt ending. When I finished the story, I didn't really think that it was complete and there could be much more to the story.
Group 5
"A New Friend"
I liked the introduction it discribed the character very well. I got a little confused on the dunking parts.
Group 2 "Love is Worth the Patience"
This story was very cool. The only bad thing i can really say about it isn't really bad at ll, but it maybe could have been a little longer. It was interesting to read and I felt like I wanted to keep reading to see what was going to happen next. i liked how you made it seem like he didn't want to go out with her tonight, then put a girl voice in the background which made her suspicious. Then all of a sudden you changed the whole perspective and Ben walked in. Very nice!
Group 1
The New Kid
I thought the the idea behind the story was very good. I felt that the writer did go back and forth from first person to third person but otherwise a good descriptional story. The writer needs to watch out for spelling and writing errors but otherwise a good overall short story. The writer could have added a little more details but overall a good paper.
Group 2
I really liked how in the story “The Normal Kind of Guy”, most of the story consisted of dialogue. The story seamed to tell it self, with very little narration.
I also thought there was good characterization, without going into too many details about the characters.
I think there should have been a few more irrelevant details, however. Things like Frank’s favorite class, or what he ate for breakfast would have made the story more realistic
Good job 6th hour! Make sure to include 3 compliments and 3 suggestions for each story. Your group number needs to be the heading.
Group 2
"Sunshine, Beach, and Sunburn"
i thought that your story was good. i thought that the grandma was a big brat! I think you need to work more on your spelling and indents and stuff. Look and read over your story more. maybe have a friend do it too. it was kind of hard to understand or follow some of your paragraphs but it could easily be fixed. Good job though! :)
Group 5
"A New Friend"
You did a good job explaining the whole competition and how you made a friend even though he seemed "weird" to you. It is a good example of how the people you don’t usually think will be your friends can be some of your best friends. You have a good theme behind the story and it has a good message. Your dialogue was written well and interesting. I thought that the story was kind of boring and needed more action. I was waiting for something else to happen besides just the competition. You could have explained more about the main character and the relationship with the other characters.
Group 3
"Unhung Heroes"
This story could use some more punctuation. It could use some more details in the fights that go on. Also, the i liked it how the atheist would pray while the other guys wouldn't. I liked it best when they picked off each guard one by one.
Group 4 "A Humbling"
At first I wasn't really into the story to be honest. But as the story went on it really made me think because i didn't know what was going to happen. I felt like the description of the setting in the beginning was pretty good. I loved the idea of going from the woods to the office of where is mom worked. Overall a pretty good story. Caught me by surprise.
Group 5
Just a Walk Home
At first when reading this story I thought it was going to be just another story about teenagers going out and getting toasted but as the story went on I was happily surprised. I thought it was well put together and I like your writing style a lot. I also liked how you showed she didn’t care anymore what she looked like. Good job on creating the character when I was reading the story I could picture her in my head. The ending wasn’t for me I would have elaborated on maybe how her family felt because Jenny was worried how her family would react if they found out she was at a party.
Group 4
"Cute Is What We Aim For"
This story was excellent and I really enjoyed reading it. The setup to the final event where he stabbed her was good, because it didn't give too much away about what was going to happen. If you were trying to make the stabbing unexpected, you succeeded. The ending was profound in the best kind of way, leaving me with something to think about for the rest of the day.
I'm trying to think of some things that could have been changed and I can't think of many. One possible thing was that you may want to explain what Anne thought about her appearance before the attack so it's easier to compare to how she feels afterwards.
Overall, brilliant work! =D
Group 5
"Princess Swap"
I really liked this story. It had a good plot and really good sentence structure. It also was really cool how you took characters from like current culture with children and incorporated them into the story but changes it too. I think that you could have gone more in depth with the setting and I also think that just because these characters are well known, you could have gone more in depth with their descriptions. Also, there are a couple minor grammatical errors but overall I loved your story!
Group 3
"A Life Changing Moment"
I thought this story was very good. I wasn't expecting the pregnancy and then losing the pregnancy. I agree with cloudnine and that it works well with being with our age. It is something that someone could easily deal with. There were a few grammatical errors, but they could be easily figure out. A suggestion I would give you would be to describe some of the feelings she has from being pregnant. Overall, the story had a great plot and message. Nice job!
Group 2- "Love is Worth the Patience"
Your story was to the point and a fast read. I didn't get lost into little details, but they were still there. I liked that your story wasn't super long but still had a good plot to it. The ending came up fast and got me really into the story because it was wrapped up so quickly. It was simple and to the point. Your story line was a great idea. The only thing I would suggest improvements on is your transitions and sentence structure. Some sentences within the story seemed more like statements or facts rather than tieing it in with the rest of the story. But other than that I really liked your story.
Group 4
"Sick it Out"
This story kept me on the edge of my seat making me want to keep reading. It was i good representation of what could happen when a girl gets pregnant. Maybe add a little more about her friends and how they helped her.
Group 2- "Sunshine, Beach and Sunburn"
I really liked your plot. Your story, I would say, was different from most. You did not follow the typical topics such as war, love, high school drama, etc. I liked how you threw a twist in there with your character choice. The two main characters really contrasted eachother nicely. The young girls modest personality clashed with the grandmother's bluntness. This made the story more interesting especially when Sally learned to appreciate her grandmother at the end. You had alot of great descriptions, but your thoughts seemed scattered at times. I would also suggest mixing up your sentence stuctures rather than begining them with the same Sally did this... Sally did that... but other than that your story was great!
Group 3
"Divine Intervention"
I really enjoyed reading the story. I loved how you described the character, and the feelings the mutant had. I think it is funny that the mutant who got told by the priest that she doesn't have a soul actually talks to god the whole time. I like your story how it is and don't think you have to improve a lot but you could write more dialog.
Group 4
"Internal Struggle"
Overall a good story, but it didn't keep my interest. One thing you may want to try is making all the tenses the same; for example, some of it is written in past tense and some of it is written in present tense, and the switching back and forth is kinda confusing.
One thing I really liked was the element of redemption at the end, where Taylor realizes that she needs to get new friends if she's ever going to change her ways. It shows that she is growing in maturity and beginning to look for what's best for her.
Group 3
"Virgin"
This story needs lots of punctuation and spell checks. It was a very descriptive story, but you don't need all of what you put in. good story.
Group 3
“Divine Intervention”
This story was amazingly written! I loved every single description you made and it was so easy to picture everything happening. I also like how you allowed the reader to get to know the character so well. One thing I would suggest is interaction with dialogue between different characters in the story. For me, it was a little difficult to follow because I didn’t know what a lot of the words meant and have never been introduced to a story with this kind of content. But, your descriptions kept the story intriguing even though I wasn’t quite sure what was always happening. One other suggestion, make sure you keep to the plot, and include rising action, a climax, and falling action. Overall, wonderful descriptions!
Group 4 "Internal Struggle"
I think the characters could be developed a little more. It's hard to really know what she is going through. I liked the idea of going from getting arrested and then flashing back to why she ended up in jail in the first place. In the end it turned out to be a pretty good story, but it was confusing at times.
Group 2
"Unpleasant Nightmare"
Wow!!! This was a very interesting story. It was really good. i liked that you felt as if you were there inside the story. Grammar and punctuation was good too. i think i only saw two misspelled words. Every thing else was excellent! Good Job! :)
Group 3
“Virgin”
I thought that this was a very interesting story. I found it to be quite funny and quickly realized who it was written by. I thought that there was excellent dialogue and the good story line overall was very well constructed. I especially enjoyed the unexpected ending that you had devised. I think that you did an excellent job of making your story very accurate of real life issues that teens actually face in high school. Some suggestions would be to combine some of your sentences so they flow more smoothly and incorporate less slang terms unless they are within the dialogue.
Group 4
"The Killing Rage"
I thought this story was pretty decent. there is some work needed with the grammar and punctuation but otherwise it was ok. The plot was good, even though it did seem like an X-men movie script. Overall i thought it had some good ideas.
Group 1
"Living the Life"
You did very well with describing the characters personality but could have described the characters physical atrributes better. I didnt like how his wife wasnt mentioned at all in the first half and then she just dies out of know where at the ending.You could have described her better and build emotion into your story by doing so. Also it was a little slow in the beginning and then everything just seemed to be thrown in at the end. I did however like how the end turned out.
Group 4
"Stick It Out"
Your story was somewhat hard to follow because of all the punctuation and grammer issues with it, and I think that some of your word choice could have been a bit better.
That being said, I did like the fact that Mike stuck around despite his original reaction to Amy's confession. The world would be a better place if that happened more often.
Let this be a lesson to everyone; Always use protection. ;)
Group 5
"Deadly Love"
This story is really good. There are excellent descriptions and the descriptive words are awesome! The setting is really well developed and I love how in the story you kept on introducing little tidbits. I also love the struggle both physically, mentally, and emotionally.
There were a few grammar errors but not many at all. I also feel that you gave a brief introduction of the characters, but I wish that you went more in depth and provided further descriptions. Also, I think that as the story progressed, I seemed to get the characters and their names mixed up. But otherwise, your story was great and kept me on the edge of my seat!
Group 1
I think that “Living the Life” was a pretty decent story although it was very confusing for me. Who was Justin? That name just randomly appeared in the story and made it more confusing. I don’t know much about golf at all so I didn’t understand most of the first page but it was well written. I found myself trying to figure out what the author was talking about more than actually reading the story. The story seemed to jump around a lot and then all of a sudden it was back to an earlier spot. When I finished I had many questions that I couldn’t answer. The grammar and the set up of the story was done very well but could use some work.
Group 5
“Behind Closed Doors”
Your wording was very descriptive and it made it really interesting. Your story had a good message and dialogue. Some of the wording you used made it confusing and hard to understand. You need to indent for a new speaker so we know who is talking. The beginning was written well but I thought you could have written more to the story and tell us what happened after that.
Group 4
"Internal Struggle"
I did like this story but maybe you could add some effects that the character had when she first stoped using the drugs. I liked how it started out then she had a flash back to why she ended up were she was now. Mabye you could of added what happend when she returned home, like if her friends tryed talking to her or her boyfriend, or if she had temptations to use the drugs again. It was a good story that I was able to visualize while reading.
Group 5
"Behind Closed Doors”
This story was definitely had purpose. However, the dialogue and grammar left something to be desired. The verb tense switched often, but the author did manage to convey a good plot with enough background to understand the story. The setting description was also good. Overall the story was not too bad.
Group 2- "The Normal Kind of Guy"
Your story started off great. It seemed to interest me, but as you went on through the story it seemed to go a little off track. The information you are trying to relay to your readers may need to be reorganized. For example, you talked about Frank through your whole story, but then in the middle you started giving us more facts about him rather than at the begining. However, I liked the topic you chose. It is realistic and seems like you enjoyed writing your story. Your dialogue was great throughout. There was alot of interaction between your characters that gives the story a casual feel. Great job!
Group 4 "Stick it out"
I liked this story alot. Not sure what the theme is but the description of the characters was good, and so was the dialogue. Great dialogue. You could really tell how they were feeling when you read it. Fast paced story but it worked. It is a typical high school story where people make a mistake and then they have to deal with the consequences. I really got into it straight from the beginning.
group 5
"Deadly Love"
I like the twist on page 3 it was unexpected. Found alot of grammer mistakes. I like the original names and most of the detailing. Her change in personality is also a great twist.
Group 1
“Love Is Worth the Patience”
This story was good. I found some words that repeated, but overall it was very good. I like how you had the character like someone else but got to know the kid she didn’t know until the class. The part where you had the character want something so bad, but she didn’t think she was going to get it.
Group 2
Unpleasant Nightmares
very well written. Was really an interesting story that made me want to keep reading to see what would happen next. When I read the story it was like I was on the edge of my seat, not knowing if Jamaal would surive the brutal attck on his soldiers. Not knowing if he would get shot. I liked the start, when the squad leader is shot right away. Then jamaal had to take over. All in all a great story.
Group 4
"The Killing Rage"
It seems like you wrote this story during the same events of one other one... "Divine Intervention", I think?
I liked it a lot, especially the part where he turns into a tiger and shreds the guy attacking him. It was completely unexpected. Also the brutality of the killings of not only the father and son but also Blake's own family really gets across the harshness of what's happening around him.
There was a few grammer and spelling errors that were distracting, and the ending seemed a bit abrupt, but otherwise it was very good.
Group 5
"Just a Walk Home"
This story was amazing and touching.
I loved how in-depth you went with Jenny's description. It explained a lot about her and the story went along a lot smoother because of it. You made a lot of good word choices and the variety was excellent! I also like the moral at the end.
I wish that you would have more of a falling action though, because it just suddenly ended. A suggestion would be go farther and talk about what her parents reaction was and how her life changed after the rape. Otherwise, your story is very good!
Group 2
"Love is Worth the Patience"
I really liked your story. I got pictures in my head the whole time. i did however run into some grammar errors. i would have also liked to know more about the girl in the background. I got shivers when i read about the part where Ben asked the girl to marry him. Good Job! :)
Group 2
Unpleasant nightmares
I thought this story was extremely well written. I was captivated after reading the first page.
I thought the author displayed a great knowledge events surrounding the Vietnam War and of the tactics used in it.
The main character, Jamaal, was portrayed very well and I found him very easy character to get behind. The setting was also very good, without being overly descriptive.
All in all it was an excellent story and I couldn’t improve it if I tried.
Group 1
"The New Kid"
You did very well with describing the main character,it was easy to make a picture in my mind. Good use of dialogue it helped move the story along. It was slow at times and Confusing at some points, such as the part were he was going to say bye to grace and then after that sentence it jumed and he on his way to a new school.
"The Dirt Road To Hapiness" Group 4
This story had a good plot and good descriptions of the setting at appropriate times. The story also had a good use of the theme. Puncutation was also good in the story. one problem the story has is that there is a lack of dialogue throughout the story.
"The Killing Rage" Group 5
The story has a good introduction, starting with intensity right away. There is also a very good use of word choice and sentence fluency. The theme throughout the story remains full of action and keeps you interested.
Group 2 "Unpleasant Nightmares"
The story was excellent! I really liked reading it, I felt like it was pulling me in and i had to keep reading to see what was going to happen. i definitely sensed a hint of "saving private ryan" in there, but you added your own twists and storyline. I couldn't find many mistakes, although i did see a couple of spots where you didn't start a new paragraph for dialogue. It made the story seem more realistic because you put in real cities and things like that. Overall I give the story an A+.
4th HOUR IS COOLER
Actually, 6th hour is the best. :)
Samanater
Group 4
"stick it Out"
This story may have lacked in grammar and punctuation, but it gave the reader something to get interested in. If there had been a little more unpredictability to the story it may have drawn the reader in more. The point got across though so nice job.
Group 3
"Virgin"
I liked the story and I’m pretty sure that this is how a lot of girls feel in high school. It made me kind of said that the story ended their. It wasn't a bad end it was actually an unexpected end but I wanted to know if her boyfriend just used her to have sex.
samanator
Group 5
“Just a Walk Home”
I liked how you did the introduction and then told us about what happened that day. You went in depth about the main character and it made it interesting. Some of your wording made it hard to understand. I thought that the story was kind of confusing and all of a sudden she was just dead. You could have more falling action and then say that she died. Your theme was good and I liked the moral at the end.
Group 4
"Wanted Dead Or Alive"
A good story that really grabbed my interest. I especially liked how you kept the theme of returning home throughout the entire thing, and then at the end he actually gets to return. A great read.
There wasn't much you could improve on it, though there was a few small grammer errors (hardly enough to comment on). Also, I know you mentioned about the draft; a few more details on that would have been nice, but not nessecary.
Group 3
“Virgin Yes/No”
This story was very interesting! I also liked how you made the story very realistic, and how you really got across what went through her mind throughout the entire process. I like your word choices and how you put emphasis on everything. A couple suggestions would be just to have someone look over your paper to watch for grammatical errors. Also, I didn’t quite understand the ending of the story, so you could maybe be a little clearer on it, or even the message of the story. Lastly, make sure you don’t write how you speak. Keep that in the dialogue, but not in that narration part of your story. Overall, it was a very good idea for a short story!
Group 1
Living the Life
I thought that this story was overall a great story. At first the story was a little boring but when his wife dies, it changed the mood of the story. I liked the details and descriptions throughout the story. I felt that the point that was trying to get across was made quite exceptionally. In the story, no matter what happened in his life, he moved on. Great story and overall very good!
Group 3
"Wanted Dead or Alive"
This story hardly needs anything at all, except some punctuations and better sentences. The detail was very good. There could be a little more dialogue, but otherwise, best story i've read.
Group 1
trying to love with a broken heart
interesting story. good charactor discription for each one. but it was mostly descriptions for the first page and their really wasn't a story. how you described their first date was good, but you didn't go into detail very much so it got a little confusing. good job though!
Group 5
"The Dream of all Dreams"
I think that this story decent. I really like the ending also. I think that is a good story but just needed to have a grammatical errors fixed.
There are grammatical errors so I suggest that you could go and fix those. You also didn't indent and start new paragraphs for a new speaker. I also like the base of the story but I think that you could have expanded way more. The story seemed choppy all around. But I do think that he had something going for it.
Stick it out
Group 4
Your story was not very interesting at thee beginning but later it got alot more interesting. You need to work on your talking parts and cool it a little bit on all the character talking. The theme of the storry was very strong and obvious twards the end. The ending of the story was not bad either.
Group 4
"Virgin"
One thing to say: Damn good story. (Sorry, Mrs. Gilson... it had to be said.)
This is easily one of the best ones I've read so far. The realism in it is very perceptive, and it almost makes me wonder if it's based on actual events. I really, really liked how the main character considers things and how we share her thoughts throughout the entire series of events, so we know what she's trying to do.
The only thing that I didn't like was the ending... I didn't quite understand what happened there. Was the mother home during these events? Did she suspect something? It was confusing.
Other then that, it was amazing. =D
Group 1
"Untold Truth"
The author did a good job of describing the setting,it was very descriptive and easy to picture. I found the beginning to be very interesting and it made me want to keep reading.It was a bit jumpy at certain point, like how she was 13 then 23,ten you talked about three years after the marriage. I did really enjoy reading this story and I thought it was the best one I read so far.
Group 4
"Virgin"
I thought that this story was amazing. The descriptiveness of everything was mind blowing, it was like i was watching it all happen. there were a few spelling mistakes but thats ok, it happens. I really loved it, but i was left wanting a little more closure at the end.
Group 3
“The dirt road to happiness”
I liked how you described the school with their kids and how they were addicted to Abercrombie. I would use more dialog in your story to improve. At the beginning you described a lot and then I would say in the middle of your story it seemed like you want to get finished because everything happened really fast. I also think that you don’t need so many details in your story some of them are not relevant.
Group Five
“The Dream of All Dreams”
This story had a really good plot. However, I believe the story would have been much better if the dialogue was edited more thoroughly. The theme was also very good. The only suggestion I have is to work on grammar. Otherwise the story was pretty good.
Group 3
"Cute is what we Aim for"
this story doesn't need anything except some more dialogue. it is a very hardfelt story. Good story.
Group 5
“The Dream of all Dreams”
I thought that you had a good plot line and a good story. I liked how the end wasn’t a fairy tale ending but they still ended up being good friends. You had some grammatical errors in your story and you didn’t indent when someone else was talking which made it hard to understand. It was kind of confusing with all the people dating everyone and trying to remember all of their names. The story also kept going back and forth and I think you could have done some different things with it to make it flow better.
Group 2
"The Normal Kind of Guy"
i enjoyed reading your story. i did find some of it confusing and some of the wording was messed up but other then that it was ok. Good Job. :)
Group 3
“The Dirt Road to Happiness”
I thought this story had a very good plotline. There were some errors with dialogue and other things. I think that it would be better to not quite rush into the relationship, but then again that is part of the story. It may have been better if it wasn’t over a somewhat long period of time. I felt like I was jumping to a new place a lot. Overall, I really liked the storyline! Good job!
Group 1
“Trying to love with a broken heart” was a well written story. I thought that the author described Jacob and all of the settings very well. I felt that was definitely a strong point in this story. In some cases it just didn’t seem like a story because it skipped around to much, in my opinion. Overall excellent story.
Group 3 "Unpleasant Nightmares"
The story had a good plot and theme to it and was interesting to read. There was also good descriptions of setting. The introduction to the story is good too. There could've been more dialogue to the story. Some of the dialogue could also start new paragraphs. Then the transitions between his childhood to teen years were too rapid.
Group 3
“Divine Intervention”
I really liked this story. All of the descriptions from start to end were amazing. I loved how you had so many thoughts going on. I got into the story so well and the ending was incredible. I really don’t even know what to suggest. Speechless. GREAT JOB!
Group 3
“A Dirt Road to Happiness”
I like the message this story gets across, which I basically thought was sticking by your friend’s side and also learning to make sure you are treated how you should be. I thought it was interesting and I didn’t think that the guy would have ever hurt her, but he still did. I like your descriptions of the sky and how you always incorporated her smile and the also the breeze. I think that the title is also very appropriate! Some suggestions would be to include much more dialogue and also have it proofread a few more times. I would try to work on word fluency so your story can be read more smoothly and also watch for verb tense agreements. Good job!
Group 1
Trying to Love With a Broken Heart
This story, at first, started off in a different way. I felt that this story was unusual. It was a different writing technique that was used. I, personally, did not quite connect with the whole idea of the story but it was alright. The way the author wrote was different but I felt that if using this type of technique would be used again by the author, that the author could connect more with the readers on a level of more basis of what is going on not only about the one guy in the story but with other events that are taking place too. Overall this story was acceptional but otherwise not the best out there. Room for improvement and diversity.
Group 1
"Long Range"
Your story was very well written and very realistic. I had some problems understanding what you were talking about,mostley because i dont know anything about that subject. You probably culd have described the characters a little better, but overall it was a good read.
Group 4
"Divine Intervention"
It seems that this one and "The Killing Rage" were written together?
I did like this story, although it's not really my kind of reading. For being sci-fi, it had a good element of realism in it.
A few things I thought you could improve on were major dialogue additions and a better explanation as to why Kim was fleeing the humans. Other then that, it was pretty good.
Group 2
“Love is Worth the Patience”
I will admit that romance stories are not something I usually enjoy to read, but this one was very interesting. I thought that the characters were very complex and well developed. They were also very believable and easy to sympathies with. The setting was hardly mentioned, but I think that was a good thing. I think that too much setting would have taken the focus away from McKenzie’s feelings.
The only flaw that I could detect was, some of the transitions between the character’s thoughts and the narration were a little rough. Over all I thought it was an excellent story
Group 5
"Virgin"
I think that this story is excellent. I love the detailed descriptions of the characters. This story put me on the edge of my seat and it was amazing. I love how in the end they didn't end up having sex, and how the mom just had this instinct about her daughter. It addresses some real teen issues and is astonishing. There isn't much that I can suggest except that I wish she would have had one friend to go to..like a secret friend that she didn't admit having.
Otherwise, this story was amazing!!
Group 2
"Sunshine Beach Sundown"
You could have improved a little more on your grammar but other than that it was a good story. Very interesting, how you threw matt in there. I somewhat thought the grandma was a big jerk at some times. But a good story.
Group 4
"Corrective Measures"
This story was very long. Mabye you could cut some things out that isnt needed all that much to shorten it up. I liked how the character looked back at his life....it was kind of a flashback. Very Interesting story thou.
The Killing Rage
Group 4
YOUR STORY IS TOO LONG.
But your story is really good. I thought the middle of your story was the best when the boy started to change. I problably would have thrown in another gunshot so we knew his brother was dead to, you kind of just let that pop up. I really like how the character questioned himself the whole time and kept trying to look inside himself. You had a very good character developement. I would have probably changed some of the dyalect. You dont need to put he said or she urged, you could eliminate that stuff.
good story over all best i have read yet
Group 5
"Just a walk home"
I felt the story was well written except that it was really easy to guess that they were going to get liquor though. The part where she got killed was a great surprise. Would like to know how her friend and family reacted.
Group 3
"Long Range"
This story could use some more dialogue and needs some spell checking. Nice description of each little thing. very good.
Group 3
“The Dirt Road to Happiness”
I felt that this story did not convey enough emotion to the reader and I felt like I could not immerse myself in it. Many of the sentences used were very plain and somewhat boring. You did, however, come up with an interesting story line and an absolutely excellent title name. I thought that the title was very original and creative. Some suggestions for the future would be to try to begin sentences with different words and broaden your overall selection of words in the story.
HEY FAIRY PRINCESS YOU DON"T HAVE ANY IDEA WHO WROTE THIS SO DON"T SAY THE WORDING WAS ALL WRONG FOR THE RIGHT KIND OF GUY
Group 4
"unpleasant Nightmares"
Absolutley amazing story!! I was immediately entrapped by your style of writing. I couldn't get enough. Your word choice and descriptions were superb. If there was anything bad about this story I couldn't find it because I was so focused on everything that was happening. Great job!!
Group 1
"Trying to love with a broken Heart"
The introduction paragraph wasnt the greatest and there wasnt really any story line.You did well with descibing jake but didnt say much about th other character.
Group 4
"Virgin"
This story was amazing. I realyl liked how she decided to think about what she wanted and not her boyfriend. The story kept me on the edge of my seat and made me want to keep reading! Great job!!
Group 1
Long Range
I felt that this story was very, very above excellence. I felt that this story was very descriptional and the details put in was amazing. The way the author put the mood in the air was phenonal. I almost felt like I was actually there and that I was right aside of them. Overall, probably one of the better stories out there and that I definitely suggest reading this one for sure, especially if you like war stories and stuff. Great details and great story. Nice job author!
Group 5
"The Dream of all Dreams"
Its a good plot.Little detailing though. Dialouge could have been wirtten better. If you were to fill in the gaps it would be a really good story.
Group 3
"Dream of all Dreams"
This story could use some grammar checking, but it is a good story. it also needs some indentations for paragraphs when different people are speaking. I know who wrote this story so it doesn't really need anything other than the things i talked about.
Group 4
Corrective Measures
The character in your story was developed very well. Also i liked your descriptive nature with the setting. The plot of your storry was very well developed and a little hard to understand.
You may have wrote a little to tensely using terms and sayings that some may not understand.
The people in the story were very well matched my their descriptions.
NOT a fan of you using the wrappers, kinda made the story unrealistic and far fetched.
Group 4
"Princess Swap"
This is a hilarious story. I really liked the viewpoint it was written from, from that of an irritated narrator. The concept as well was unusual and unique but it worked rather well. At first I was not really interested but by the end of the second paragraph I was really into it. To be honest, the only think I can possibly suggest would be to have more of a definite theme throughout, but even that's not really an issue.
Very good writing.
Group 4
"The Dream Of All Dreams"
Um. Wow. The concept behind the story could have been interesting, but the total lack of decent dialogue and any descriptions whatsoever made it nearly impossible to read. The storyline seemed completely random and extremely difficult to follow. It shows a lot of potential, though, so keep practicing!
Group 2
"Virgin"
WOWWWWW! This story was so good! i had to print it off so i could finish reading it. i couldnt wait. your story had a very good meaning and point to it...i really liked the main characters attitude too. (Sounds like a normal teenage girl) :) ummmm the only thing i noticed was the quotation marks were always backwards. Great job though!!!! :) Yours was my favorite so far.
Group 1
“The New Kid” was an amazing story. I really liked it and although I never have moved to a new school, the author really captured how I always thought it would feel like. I don’t really have any suggestions to make this better.
Group 1
Untold Truth
The author of this story did an excellent job on writing about the plot and setting. You could thoroughly understand and view the actual story. The introduction was very capturing and caught the eye of the reader, myself. A little confusing on the ages on how you would change but otherwise a very well written story. Good job!
Group 1
Untold Truth
The author of this story did an excellent job on writing about the plot and setting. You could thoroughly understand and view the actual story. The introduction was very capturing and caught the eye of the reader, myself. A little confusing on the ages on how you would change but otherwise a very well written story. Good job!
Group 3
"Princess Swap"
This is not a made up story. This is actually a play the seniors did 2 years ago for one acts. You could use some indentations and spell checks for this too. Also, you kept messing up who was with who.
group 4
"Divine Intervention"
This was a very interesting story indeed. It hooks the reader in and keeps them there for the whole ride. I have no problems with the story just compliments because this thing was flawless. Even with all the difficult words in it, it was easy to understand due to the great context clues. Nice job.
Group 3
“Divine Intervention”
This was an amazing story! By far it was the most exciting and well written story that I have read so far. You possess a very large vocabulary and utilize it beautifully in regards to the descriptions of the setting and your characters’ attitudes. This story also had an excellent plotline and was very creatively constructed. I quite enjoyed the arcane ending as well. My only suggestion would be to include more dialogue and possibly better explain the current situation. Overall great read!
Group 1
Unsung Heroes
I felt that this story was one of the way better stories. It was very well written and had great action. The story really kept the eye open and wanting to keep on reading. Great plot throughout the whole story and very well written. I especially liked the ending with Red walking and then giving a quick glance up at the sky. Very nicely done and a great job!
Group 2
"Unsung Heroes"
First of all let me say who ever wrote this story is brilliant! Was well thought out and very good descriptions of the setting. I could really picture myself in just about every situation that came up. Very unpredicting and thrilling to read. I just keep reading, and as I read the story it kept getting more interesting. I rate this story a 10 out of 10.
Group Fiv5
“Unpleasant Nightmares”
This story was by far the best I have read yet. I consider myself to be somewhat of a war story junky, but this one was really good. The author had great description and precise detail to aid the story. The only real suggestion I would give would be to clear up the time between when Jamaal got hit and his rescue; it was a little difficult to understand what was happening. That’s war I guess; you never really fully know what’s going on. Kudos on a great story.
Group 5
"Behind closed doors"
I like how the story immediately changed when the father entered the home. It end really abruptly, would have been nice to have known if the mother eventually did something. But the way you did was nice to because it left me wondering.
Group 5
“Virgin”
I thought that this story was really good and thought out well. This story deals with what a lot of teenagers actually go through and I thought it was very accurate. I like the point of view of the main character and that she didn’t know if her boyfriend really loved her or was just using her. In the end I wasn’t really sure if she did end up having sex with him or not. There are also some grammatical errors.
Group 5
"The Dream of all Dreams"
Where to start....First things first. I hold no grudge against against the author of this story, just the story that was written. Pleas excuse me if I seem to be a bit over-critical. I will start with the introduction and the conclusion. Throw out the first sentence. For the content of this story, the first sentence is an absolute wrong approach, in my oppinion. Unless, that is, you end the story with "This story conludes with a boy. A boy who never stopped dreaming." Even at that, I feel that the intro and conclusion could be tied together in a better, more creative way. I like what you were saying in the intro/conlusion but once again, I feel it could have been written more creatively. Secondly, you repeat the names a little too much. Not to be rude, but, I didn't forget the characters' names. Once in awhile a reminder of the names is good. Thirdly, you could stand to clean up the layout of this story. Recall when we learned about spacing and dialogue and when to start new paragraphs.
With the way you wrote this story, I feel like I'm reading a narrative rather than a short story. The only thing that really drew me to reading more was my interest on whether the style of writing would change. Other than that, I found it hard to continue reading.
Now, for every negative, I can give a positive. I like the genuine feelings you gave your characters. I can relate to the movie theater incident. I can also relate to the yearning for a lasting relationship. The theme behind the story was excellent also. I think with a little work, you could be an excellent writer.
Group 3
"Sunshine, Beach and Sunburn"
The way this story was told, could be read and proofread more than once as a suggestion.
Group 1
“The Killing Rage”
This story was good. It made me think of x-men at towards the end, and the people who were trying to get rid of the mutants. But overall I thought the beginning was very good because it got me right into the story. Also the middle was good. I like how you had made the ending.
Group 4
"Long Range"
I thought this story was pretty good. It was realistic and believable. Spelling and grammar is always an issue when anyone is writing a paper so don't worry about it. I wanted more in the end though. I know that is what you were going for but it might make people like your story more if you added a little more as closure.
Group 2
“Dancing in the Rain”
I found this story to be very touching. I thought it was well written and easy to follow. I really liked how the theme tied into the story and was fully explained in the end.
I think that some of the paragraphs should have been separated. They had thoughts and events that didn’t really go together. I think it disrupted the flow of the story.
I also thought that the ending was too sudden. It seamed to me like the main character changed her mind, about living in Geese, on a whim. Her reasoning was never really mentioned.
Group 3
“Virgin”
This story was interesting. A little bit unreal, but who knows. I liked how you had it narrated by the girl so you could get her thoughts. You describe things well and the friends’ pressure was nicely told. There were a few grammatical errors and quotations were incorrect, but I could easily figure them out. I like how you ended it with everyone hanging...Did they or not? Overall, I think that you did a great job on the story!
Group 1
“Behind Closed Doors”
This story was good. I think you could have described the description of the character a little bit more. I liked how you describe the three girls’ personality. Also I liked how you described the way the girl cares for her mom and her fathers insecurity about her mom.
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